Ex is Narcissist/ Child of Narcissist

[GAP]

I need some advice.  I have successfully weather the storm of divorcing a narcissist and in the processes of healing after I realized I was raised by narcissist.  I'm content in my knowledge and I'm doing what I can to help repair the damage to my children during their years of living in a disfunctional home.  I have seen them each make great strides at becoming emotionally healthier people. 

My authentic family is large.  Half of the siblings have had a similar awakening and understand narcissim the other half including my parents are cling to the myth of perfection.  I have no desire to convert anyone to my way of thinking and just want to live in peace, see the family on holidays and not engage in any conflict.  Unfortuanely, a couple siblings that I was close to have got incredibly angry with me when I explained that I contributed to the disfunction in my narcissitic marriage.  When I thought they were supportive siblings, I explained that due to role I played as a child (scapegoat to my mother's rage) I was able to function at a very high level during my marriage and that without me pretending everything was OK and never calling my husband on the abuse I hurt my kids and was not true to myself.  I recognized that if I had been an emotionally healthy person I would have walked out of the marriage in the second week.  My taking responsiblity for the divorce turned them against me and they went to my parents telling them I blamed them.

I have explained on several occasions that the therapy I went thru was about me and me getting stronger not about my family.  My divorce and strength has thrown the family into total breakdown.  My sister has gone off on me one two many times so I only see her at family gathers, smile and make small talk.  I have avoid all of her request to get together because I know it is pointless (she wants me to go to a therapist to have the therapist tell me what is wrong with me and why it frustrate her).  Although several members of the family and my parents have been mean and made disparaging remarks to me I ignore them and never react.  I no longer call all the family members when someone goes off on me and try to get them to sympathize and prove it is not my fault, I just know it is not my fault.

My behavior has them is such a state, they called a family meeting to address the problems.  It was an absurded meeting where they discussed how extrodinary we are and how we all must start seeing each other more and get along.  I was accused of having a funny look on my face and a bad tone of my voice when I made some simple responses to accusations.  I simply want to be left alone.  I will be pleasant, my children and I will go to family outings and holidays, I will socialize with the siblings I enjoy.  I know they are frustrated I stopped playing the game but I can't be the old daughter and sister they knew, I've changed.  Everyone on the outside world is proud of what I've accomplished and what I'm doing, my family is miserable.

Short of totally withdrawing and skipping family holidays, how do I end this nonsense?  The members that are clinging to the perfect myth are so angry with me but are not satified to just leave me alone. Somehow they think I'm responsible for their unhappiness.

[Hopalong]

Hi Gap,
You can't end their nonsense...but you have ended your own.
Congratulations!

I think over time as you persist in your new behavior, they will calm down some.
Right now, probably it's best to not try to change them, or even defend or explain your position.

Just don't change back...hold onto whatever rituals make sense for you and your children,
and keep your peace.

You've earned it!

And welcome here,

Hopalong

[penelope]

Hi gap,

I can only speak from my own experience.  I totally withdrew.  My N parents sound a lot like yours.  This especially rang true:

she wants me to go to a therapist to have the therapist tell me what is wrong with me and why I frustrate her

Well I did this, but not for my mother.  It has resulted in a much happier me.  I encourage you to try it, if you've not.  It is truly a gift you give yourself, to start the healing process.

Also, the family meetings sound eerily familiar, where they talk about how great they are?  Yeah..  That is an attempt to boost their injured egos - the pain and agony is your fault, ya know?  (tongue-in-cheek )

Welcome, and keep posting - you need to get all those toxic remnants from your FOO out!   

hugs,
p bean

[condeezi]

dear gap - it is sad to admit that when my father died i experienced a sense of relief and freedom. that was 5 years ago and i have only begun in the past year to understand why i feared him and tried to limit contact with him. likewise with my mother who died last year, although he had a much more negative effect on me. i have relalized the extent to which my parents, my ex-husband and ex-boyfriend and their families were "perfect", in denial of any truth and honesty. how they cut me out of their lives when i refused to play by their rules, when i simply wanted to be myself, when i wanted to freedom to express an opinion. my children and i have no extended family, but i don't think that is a bad thing. they have seen for themselves how disturbed these people were and are, and we are free to create our own family, where we can be ourselves. it is scary sometimes, that i have no one to depend on in difficult times, but i really never could count on them anyway.  i don't know how to say what i mean. i know i am not perfect, and i can certainly accept inperfection in others - see i am still doubting myself, wondering if i was too judgemental. but i'm not, they could not accept anyone who did not follow their rules, those people were cut out physically and emotionally. you know if someone is bad for you and your children, family, friend or acquaintence. if you are walking on eggshells that is a good sign. if you are in a constant state of apprehension, afraid of what you or your children might say or do that might upset someone, that is a good sign that you need to avoid those persons. i have tried my best to give you my experience. bottom line, you deserve to be able to relax , feel accepted and loved for who you are, be happy.  don't doubt yourself when you are motivated by what is best for you and your children. educate yourself about "toxic" people and relationships so you will be able to recognize them. i wish i have done this long ago. trust in yourself.

to everyone and anyone - how do i use this site? i know how to reply only. i don't know how to post. thanks

[Brigid]

Condeezi,

how do i use this site? i know how to reply only. i don't know how to post.

When you are on the main page for the message board, there is a "new topic" tile.  Click that and you will be able to create a new post.

it is sad to admit that when my father died i experienced a sense of relief and freedom.

My father died almost 7 years ago, and I felt the same way.  I felt guilty for some time for not ever shedding a tear, but once I got in therapy and began to understand who he was and what he had done to me emotionally, I no longer felt any guilt.

My mother died nearly 2 years ago and while I was somewhat more sad and conflicted at her passing, there still was a sense of relief.

Like you, I have no extended family and my one brother (who has never been married or had children), I have no relationship with.  So, it is just me and my kids and that often feels very small and disconnected.  Especially now that both kids are in college and away from home.

I can very much relate to your story.

Hugs,

Brigid