Another call.
OK, so I was manipulated into making the call.
But I had made a positive choice to return her call - so, although she had intended to manipulate me, I don't feel manipulated. I understood that she was not well, that she was in pain, that she felt abandoned by her support network, that she was frightened, that she was alone. I had interpreted her words correctly and made a choice about how I wished to respond.
I misjudged her true state of health tho' - I thought it was potentially worse than it really was. But it's amazing how strong she became during the call when she wanted to hold me by the scruff of the neck and start beating me again!!!!!!!
Do they ALL get their strength from beating and hurting others?????
How????????
I'd spent the day reading 'When you and your mother can't be friends' and, together with this HUGE new recognition of how others 'define' us, I've found new ground.
She's 'just' a person now, rather than my mother!! This has taken her to a distance where I can see her rather than experience her. She seems much smaller.
The biggest 'wow' came when she said :
"I did 'this' for you as a child and I provided 'that' experience (long list repeated ad infinitum over the years)...I did all that to give you confidence, that was MY confidence and when you went away you took it with you." She practically said I stole it!!
I'm still falling over - clunk! - at this statement. I mean, she meant it!!!! She really meant it!!!!!
No wonder I end every conversation feeling completely depleted. She's 'in' me, grabbing it all back!!!!! Except it's not hers! It's mine!!!!
And when my barriers are up to prevent her from doing that, she says I'm hard, that I'm strict, that I don't understand. Well, it was those words that led me to let down my barriers a year ago - and see the damage she did!!! No wonder, when father was ill, even tho he was dying, I was desperate to return to my own home in fear that, if I stayed any longer, I'd not have the confidence and energy to drive all the way back.
Perhaps the answer to the question I posed earlier in this post is that if they do things to us that creates in us fear and pain, they 'think' they've acquired our power, our energy, our strength, our courage!!!!!???
This is the thing that frightened me most about the 'N' style - the way they put their feelings inside you and manipulate them ('projective identification') - not knowing how they did it, how to be alert to it and stop it when I only ever knew 'after the event'. (And it not being something in everyday language to even begin to discuss with someone else)
The energy healing has helped protect me, but I've been worried that this would make me too 'different', 'closed down', no longer able to reach out to others and understand them. But I'd had a mega session the previous day in anticipation of a challenging event and I'm now much more confident it can help in a positive way - I understood her even better and was better protected.
My H was also a rock and very proud of the way I handled it.
She asked for all her jewllery back. An ancient sweet watch she gave me on my wedding day, a pretty little faux pearl pendant, and something she gave me as a birthday present. Of course, I said (enabling and generous to a 'T').
Actually it's not 'her jewellery', they were gifts to me from her which had belonged to her and I treasured them! And deep inside I feel very, very hurt. Interesting to reflect that they were not in perfect condition - the watch didn't work, there was a pearl missing from the pendant - a very 'N' kind of gift, I guess!!! And clearly, the object was never 'given' as, in her perception, it still belonged to her!!!
The positive side is that she wants them for going to the Day Centre - which implies that she's committed to getting out and about and mingling. It's also symbolic of her getting her confidence back (if she can't get inside me to take mine, then she'll have it back some other way) and that's fine by me. (But let me know if you think I've missed something I should be alert to!!!!!)
R
PS Of course, she *could* have called to say 'thank you' for the CD player I sent her for Mother's Day (yes, it was a gift she wanted - I guess you could say she hinted at it). She only knows to get what she wants by being manipulative. It's a constant downward spiral and I feel such pain for the constant rejection she gets from the world as a result.
