lack of empathy- hurts like hell

[pandora]

Hello,

My husband doesn't seem to be able at all to understand my feelings of hurt and betrayal after his affair and subsequent verbal/emotional abuse.  He has made changes in his behavior toward me and has become notably less critical, so there have been some positive developments, although I am not sure they will be permanant.  

I find the lack of empathy deeply deeply disturbing.  It means I have to deal with my feelings all on my own, or else sweep them under the rug.  I think it also keeps him from having to take any real responsibility for hurting me.  This more than anything else may turn out to be the reason I can't stay in this marriage.  

Am I just being a wimp?  I have several friends who were in marriages that were truly abusive - constant screaming, physical abuse - and mine is not nearly so awful.  

God, I am so depressed.  It hurts so badly to realize that the person you married is incapable of really seeing you.  A lot of the advice that I have seen for living with an N (if that is what he truly is) focuses on establishing emotional barriers and protecting yourself.  I don't know if I want to spend the rest of my married life doing that.  It seems like emotional suicide.

Thanks for letting me share.

[seeker]

Hi Pandora,

I can hear the hurt in your post.  I'm sorry I can't reach out and give you a real hug.  

My situation with an N was like being a moth to a flame.  I kept wishing for change that never came.  Kept being hopeful.  When I finally realized I couldn't expect this person to change, that the only thing I could do was change MY response, my wings stopped burning!  It was such a feeling of relief.  

OK, then based on this new knowledge of No Expectation of Change, what can be done?  In your case you could consider staying and looking for emotional support elsewhere other than your husband (including getting a therapist to work on your own individual feelings about the new awareness of his inability to change).  Another choice might be to leave and take it as a lesson in knowing what you want in a husband, that is, emotional connection as well as social, sexual, etc.  Another choice might be to write down your expectations and goals and review in six months or something like that.  You might just want to sit down and brainstorm all your options.  Write them down in black and white.

Don't compare yourself to others.  Only you can decide what is right for you.  I hope this helps a little.  Be sure to do some nice things for yourself, just for being you.  Take care Pandora.  Best, Seeker

[Anonymous]

Hi Pandora,
I just wanted to write to let you know you are not alone in feelings of not knowing if his changes are permanent, not knowing if you can live in a marriage without emotional respect...  Not knowing how to catagorize your marriage because your not sure if it fit the criteria for "overt" abuse. Not knowing what you will tolerate in marriage.  It is incredibly painful...  I don't think you are being a wimp at all!  I can relate to the same kinds of questions, and am still struggling with them.

Thankfully, I think I am over the depression part of it.  But in reading your post, I can relate and remember those feelings so vividly.  I think seeker has some great advice.  The things that have helped me to get over the depression are getting emotional support  and validation outside of marriage... doing things that made me smile without my husband, writing in a journal... These sorts of things have made me strong enough to stand up to my husband and set very strict boundries.  I can tolerate his neglect, lashing out, and making nice more now because I see it as his problem, and not mine.  But it is a slow process for me.  I still feel sad and afraid about it (but not constantly depressed anymore).

I have started to think of myself as the parent of a 6 foot 4-year-old.  instead of a wife. (not exactly what I thought I was signing up for) Nonetheless, suddenly  I am the mean mommy who sticks to boundries.  I hope that over time he will change permanently, but if not I don't know what is going to happen to our marriage either.  I don't know how it will be before I have clarity.

I agree with seeker in that one cannot compare oneself to anyone else.  That is certainly not my intent here.  We all have to trust ourselves.  I just wanted to share in hope of offering comfort in knowing you are not alone.  If any of this sounds familiar you might be interested in reading
The Solo Partner  by Phil Deluca.
Do take care of yourself!  you have my empathy!
Peace! sjkravill

[Anonymous]

Pandora,

An extramarital affair is a form of abuse. You don't have to be stoic about it. And the betrayer's lack of remorse/empathy in addition to his bad behavior is pretty ugly. But maybe that's the most he can do.

Have you considered seeing a therapist individually for support and empathy? It might help.

bunny

[pandora]

Thank you seeker, guest, bunny and skravill for your kind and insightful words.  

In addition to our couples therapy, I have been seeing an individual therapist.  It has been very helpful in getting me to see the truth about my marriage.  But it hasn't given me much hope for improvement.  

Right now it seems as if it will be too damaging for me to stay, although I am not taking drastic action - one day at a time.  In my heart I know that I am a strong person and that I can get through this intact and find happiness.

[Anonymous]

Pandora, a husband having an affair seems like the ultimate betrayal and in so many ways it is. It is not something that a spouse should ever have to deal with. I've been there. And the pain you are feeling is so deep and painful because he's violated the very core and specialness of your relationship. Does he want forgiveness or doesn't he care? Was it an affair of the heart or a spur of he moment or to get back at you? It doesn't really matter he had no right to abuse you, which is what he's done, or abuse your speciallness in his life which is what he's done. Learning to trust him again is the hardest thing I have found to do. He wants me to but I can't. And his affair was quite a few years ago. The thing that made it hard for me was that my husband and the woman left the door open by telling each other things like maybe in the future, maybe if we weren't married. This has nearly driven me to distraction at times when I've thought he could contact her again. Has your husband absolutely broken off completely from her and told her he was wrong and that you are the most important person in his life? Has he apologised to her for using her and admitted it and told her he can never and never will contact her again? I'd do what the other poster said and get a therapist to help me through this. It's too tough and painful to go through on your own and you don't know where you might come out. An objective voice is often what's needed, but I feel for you from my heart and know what you're going through.  Please look after yourself first, you need to. At this stage in your relationship he's proven to be a self-centred b-s-a-d to do this and be unempathetic later is even more inexcusable so get an outsider involved, either in couples counselling or individual therapy for yourself. You're worth it.

Guest

[shellirae]

Pandora,

        Your post is the reason I just joined the group.  I've been involved and married to an N for 17 years now.  Through all the ups and downs of our marriage one thing remained the same - he would continue to find new ways to hurt me.  As much as I hope your husband makes changes that are permanent, please protect your feelings and be wary.
          I am now divorcing my husband for the second time.  While it always seemed he had changed - his behavoirs just morphed into new ones.  Always destructive but at times less obvious than others.  Having an affair is a typical N behavoir.  This feeds his energy in several ways - he recieved the total focus of an outsiders attention, he now has you reeling, and all the while has no regard for the emotions of those involved outside of himself.
        One thing I read that really turned the light on for me - The "good man" the one who is charming, lovable and funny is not the real man.  That is meerly a mask that the real man has to wear in order to get what he wants.  Once he has what he wants and relaxes, that's when the real person is revealed leaving you with the narcsissist.
 
   Hope you stay strong, realize that being happy shouldn't be a job and take care of yourself-

[Leah]

 
Just though I would mention that Pandora posted this thread on: February 26, 2004, 12:49:49 AM

and the last posting was on: February 27, 2004

Leah