A cute message to pets that pet lovers will enoy... but please read afterward too as this is a huge issue with me:
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
My mother sent this to me. She added a note that she liked the last line the best (about the pregnancy).
If you all remember a while back, I wrote about my mother's pets and some people bristled. I realized that it is not the pets per se (I've got more than I should have
) but the fact that the pets have ALWYAS come before us (the kids). She spent tons of money buying new animals, but wouldn't get us stuff without complaining or freaking out that she then had no money. And, before, she would buy pets, but then freak out when she had to pay for vet bills and stuff... have to rebudget all that. (Money never met ends and everything is like a big surprise except the initial purchase).
When I got my Henry, she was way more thrilled than when I had my children. She adores stories about him and listens to stories about the kids. She even liked my guinea pig more than the kids it seemed.
And this little "joke" to me is far more annoying than funny, because it is utterly true. And I know she worried constantly that I would become pregnant (it was her worst fear and she was always looking for signs of it. She wouldn't talk to me about it but ran off with me to Planned Parenthood in 11th grade just in case. I wanted to think it was being prudent on her part, but she was just sure as sure that I would get knocked up).
So... One more big issue unraveled!!! One step at a time. It feels so good when you can pin down what bothers you!!!
Thank you all for being here.
Love, Beth
