Losing my balance again...

[spyralle]

Hi everyone,

Back again...  I disappeared for a while because I threw myself into the job of getting my house on the market and looking for a new job.  There I was doing really well.  I had spent the past year painting my house and finally plucked up the courage to put it on the market...  I hate it you see.  It holds so many bad memories for me..  so I am ashamed of anyone ever visiting me, let alone people traipsing through my house criticising it.  Anyway I finally did it and then I landed myself a fantastic new job.  it is a huge pay rise so should make things easier and something I really want to do.  Then I met a guy........  Course being me I went down the usual path of falling in love, then bang.... last Sunday I turned to look at him and suddenly hated everything about him...  no warning nothing..  From then I have have treated him really badly..  Not wanted to speak to him just been repulsed by him somehow....  I literally spun in an instant..  Since then I am backsliding at a rapid rate..  My house is looking darker and dirtier and I have gone off sick from my current job because I cannot bear the whole ending thing...

I have started controlling my food..  Which on the one hand is not a bad thing but I am putting myself through torture to lose 1lb a day....  I am rigid about that.  I am scared basically.  My mother is still not speaking to me because I will not let her come and live with me, in fact she has just been to Englant to visit the golden sibling and did not even get in touch with me..

I am having vivid dreams and they all seem to be pointing to the same thing.  Like in one I had put my baby in a caravan.  Someone else was supposed to be looking after her but she was crying and her cries magnetised me.....  When I got there  she was buried in suits and there was a stranger in there with her grinning..  I had one last night that I went back to see my therapist.  She answered the door with her dressing gown on her head and she had changed her room...  Then when we got to the other room I couldn't see her because her ironing board and washing was in the way.

Sorry if I sound like I am going mad but I am really struggling.  C (the guy) is being really understanding and keeping his distance.  It just feels like I will never be able to have a normal life and I am terrified..

So I came back here because this is the only place I feel safe...

Spyralle x

[Portia]

(((((((((Spyralle)))))))))

Good to see you again, although not for the reason that brings you here.

Amongst friends and not alone. I won't comment, sorry, I'll leave that to others. very best to you, P

[Margo]

((((((Spyralle))))))   Going in and out of uncontrollable anxiety is so frightening.  The self esteem spikes and terrifying dives.  It sounds like you were at the point where you were moving on and building something positive for yourself.  Sometimes we stop being so diligent about concetrating on HOW to keep moving in that direction..... and we lose track.  We get confused bc this isn't space we're familiar with.  It's unchartered territory, so to speak.

Try to go back to what you were doing when you got that new job and you were feeling better.  The guy is being patient.  Just tell him you need that space and you'll be in contact at some point.  Don't put any pressure on yourself about when that will be.  Focus on work and see a T...... this is just a dip in the road.  Don't concetrate on the fear of never having a normal life.  Concentrate on problem solving and figuring this thing out.  The dips in the road come and go for everyone.  You'll be Ok.  Was there some book you were reading when things started going well for you?  Get it out and start doing those things you were doing when you were building yourself up.  
 Margo

[camper]

Spyralle, Hi, I am fairly new.  By trying to be in control you are out of control.  You are a valuable person.  Your past is poisoning you.  Losing a pound a day IS NOT healthy!  It is contributing to your mental health.  Your body needs good nutrition and sleep.  At least do that for yourself!  Hugs to you dear.  I can't fathom your place.  I only see a hurting lady who is stuck.  I can see how well you were doing so you are very capable.  I hope we can all be your rope to crawl out of your pit.  Grab on....we are all pulling! 

[Hopalong]

(((((((((((((Spy)))))))))))))))))))

A good T...you can, yes? Please go. Several times a week right now, then you can ease off.

The "switch flipping" with the bf. That's a deep unconscious thing. A good T could help you excavate it.

It doesn't make you a bad person.

You have anxiety to deal with and a good T and the right Rx and some time will ease that. Don't add anger at yourself.

It's okay to be screwed-up Spy for a while. It's okay to be exactly where you are. You are good and worthy and fine and you will not always recycle the same stuff. Now you realize that you just went "off your program" a little bit. Maybe you have some deeply patterned maladaptive responses to things that recycle so much that you will need a structured program of T and Rx and perhaps a support group or community always in place.

If you haven't had those lately, perhaps the stresses (even good change, like the job and house, are still stressors) just piled up and triggered some panic.

You can get help for this. Please do...keep posting...

love
Hops

[WRITE]

Hi Spyrelle

it seems like you have a clear pattern of reactions to strong emotions?

I cannot bear the whole ending thing...

letting go- of anything- is a big difficulty for me too, I confuse it with all kinds of other losses and abandonments.

Your mother's behaviour is very traumatic that way- do as I say or I abandon you....that's a horrible message from our mother even ifshe is a nuisance you're also glad to take a break from.

I picked upa  book called 'he's scared/she's scared' about commitment-phobia recently, and was stunned to see a pattern of commitment phobia in myself, not just in commiting and saying yes to things but more strongly in saying no, letting go and moving on.

I'd never seen it like that before.

Have you got a therapist? This would be a time I would go back to mine, as I found myself overwhelmed.

Much love to you as you unravel this latest stage; you will get better, it is a process and setbacks will happen. They don't have to derail your whole life. (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[spyralle]

Thanks everyone,

I am having some difficulty responding..  Feels a bit like I have just switched off...  Started a new job this week.  I am most confused about who I am

S x

[CB123]

Spyralle,

It's okay to not know what to say.  If you can't write much, just let us know that you're still here and we'll rally around you. 

You are going through a lot right now--with a new job on top of everything else.  That's a lot to handle at once--you may have "switched off" in order to only concentrate on what is right in front of you.  That's possibly a really good coping mechanism that will help you get through the next period.  You don't want to be stuck there forever, though. 

It's okay to just put one foot in front of the other to get through this difficult point in your life.  What's your job like?  Is it challenging?  Is it something you've been looking forward to, or do you feel as though it's another disappointment?  If you feel like talking about it, we are here.

Love
CB

[axa]

Hi Spy,

Good to see you back and sorry that things are so difficult for you right now.  It WILL pass, though I know it probably does not feel like that right now.  What you need as others have said is time with a good T and time with yourself.

I know I have had a pattern in the past of being in relationships to ease my own pain..........it does not work.  I took Hops recommendation and read a book called Fear of Intimacy and it was hugely enlightening.  I think we have to know ourselves before we can share with another otherwise ime I just end up in the same dammed place.

You sound so hurt about your mother and yet she is being true to form, playing games with you AGAIN.  She is how she is and my guess is that she will not change, but you can Spy.

Hang on and stay in contact,

hugs,

axa