How do know if someone is narsistic?

[BonesMS]

I've become convinced that my soon-to-be ex boyfriend has N tendencies, if not NPD because he has consistently demonstrated NO comprehension of how his actions impact others....NO empathy, NO compassion.....just a blank look when it it brought to his attention.  I'm SICK and TIRED of CONSTANTLY explaining the OBVIOUS only to have him continue as if I NEVER said a word!

Bones

[Ami]

Dear Bones,
   Keep watching.The main thing is to face 'what is". This is one of the hardest things to do,also.IMO, we so much want to be loved that we do not always chose wisely. Also, we have our own"sick" ways that attract us to other "sick" people(. I am speaking for myself here.)
  Keep sharing and writing                                                              Love Ami

[BonesMS]

Dear Bones,
   Keep watching.The main thing is to face 'what is". This is one of the hardest things to do,also.IMO, we so much want to be loved that we do not always chose wisely. Also, we have our own"sick" ways that attract us to other "sick" people(. I am speaking for myself here.)
  Keep sharing and writing                                                              Love Ami

Thanks, Ami!

Bones

[reallyME]

And then there is the "child" who "promises" to take care of some adult responsibility, then conveniently "ignores/forgets" to follow through.  I HATE THAT!!!!!

Bones

Gosh how I can relate to THIS ONE!  Not paying bills on time, broken promises, so-called suprise gifts that rarely materialize.  ALmost 20 years of it!!!

My husband is that CHILD you speak of.  I can't tell you how often my phone has been shut off, lost electric, water, etc...because of his irresponsibility.  Like you say, too, he has no clue how painful it's been for the girls and me...nor does he care.

Here is an example of some childish behavior:  My dog got off his collar yesterday and ran the neighborhood (not good when it comes to lurking dog wardens who constantly try to take our dogs away).  I told him "I put the dog out, with his collar on, hooked up his collar, he got a running start, snapped the collar and jumped over the fence and ran."  Husband:  "oh, you didn't put the collar on him."  GRRRRRRRRRR

He acts so darn STUPID and IGNORANT and I just want to shake him, but if I did, he'd just look at me with a blank look on his face and then start talking to himself again or go back to doing whatever he was doing.  It's so annoying.

He is more than Narcissistic.  He has borderline, avoidant, anti-social tendencies as well.  NONE OF THIS WAS SEEN BEFORE I MARRIED HIM!  You sometimes just don't know.

He cheated on me once, denied it of course, and I had to decide whether to stay with him and risk my life and health again, or to leave.  I opted to stay, out of my own need for staying in the "comfort zone" and "Familiar" and out of not wanting to go through a divorce and have him turn the girls against me.  I do not regret sticking it out, cause God is really blessing me in other ways, through friends and jobs and just life.

It's been hard and sometimes it still is.  I'm seeing a psychologist to deal with my anger issues and before that, I was on meds.  I'm off all meds and doing well.

~Laura

[Hopalong]

Awww, Laura.
Hon.
I am so sorry.

Your life is not easy, friend.
And you have made lemonade maybe a thousand times out of all those lemons.

I'm also (other thread) very sorry to hear about the money struggle.

Sorry also that your husband was hurt, though it's a little harder to sympathize!

I know you and your children have a right to a peaceful life. That's what I know.

love and peace and hope to you,
Hops

[BonesMS]

And then there is the "child" who "promises" to take care of some adult responsibility, then conveniently "ignores/forgets" to follow through.  I HATE THAT!!!!!

Bones

Gosh how I can relate to THIS ONE!  Not paying bills on time, broken promises, so-called suprise gifts that rarely materialize.  ALmost 20 years of it!!!

My husband is that CHILD you speak of.  I can't tell you how often my phone has been shut off, lost electric, water, etc...because of his irresponsibility.  Like you say, too, he has no clue how painful it's been for the girls and me...nor does he care.

Here is an example of some childish behavior:  My dog got off his collar yesterday and ran the neighborhood (not good when it comes to lurking dog wardens who constantly try to take our dogs away).  I told him "I put the dog out, with his collar on, hooked up his collar, he got a running start, snapped the collar and jumped over the fence and ran."  Husband:  "oh, you didn't put the collar on him."  GRRRRRRRRRR

He acts so darn STUPID and IGNORANT and I just want to shake him, but if I did, he'd just look at me with a blank look on his face and then start talking to himself again or go back to doing whatever he was doing.  It's so annoying.

He is more than Narcissistic.  He has borderline, avoidant, anti-social tendencies as well.  NONE OF THIS WAS SEEN BEFORE I MARRIED HIM!  You sometimes just don't know.

He cheated on me once, denied it of course, and I had to decide whether to stay with him and risk my life and health again, or to leave.  I opted to stay, out of my own need for staying in the "comfort zone" and "Familiar" and out of not wanting to go through a divorce and have him turn the girls against me.  I do not regret sticking it out, cause God is really blessing me in other ways, through friends and jobs and just life.

It's been hard and sometimes it still is.  I'm seeing a psychologist to deal with my anger issues and before that, I was on meds.  I'm off all meds and doing well.

~Laura

Sounds like your husband and my irresponsible adult "Child" could be twins separated at birth!

Bones

[debkor]

Laura,

Ohhhh,, my God!!!  I feel the same way you do and had the same husband only mine was more nuts then yours.  Mine went all the way to jail but the personality you describe in your post was mine to the T.

Are they really just stupid and ignorant or do they just act that way. That I still wonder. 

The crap they do and think we believe makes me think they are just to STUPID to know they are even STUPID.

I had mine one time get a speeding ticket, hide it and when I found it and read what it was for the INK that the COP wrote and the DATE AND TIME AND WHAT FOR tried to tell me it was not. He even said let me see then read it and tried to tell me the DATE was different and it did not say speeding.  NOW THAT IS STUPID!!  I can see what it said. Then he said oh I was trying to throw you off so you would say F**k it and throw it on the side.  How the hell can you throw me off of this.  I HAVE EYES and know what I see. 
Which bring me back to are they really STUPID or just play STUPID OR THINK I'M STUPID and everyone else in this world all except them. 
I would be way to embarrassed to try to pull off some of the things they think they can. That's another thing I noticed they don't get embarrassed. 
Ay yi yi yi,

Deb

[BonesMS]

Laura,

Ohhhh,, my God!!!  I feel the same way you do and had the same husband only mine was more nuts then yours.  Mine went all the way to jail but the personality you describe in your post was mine to the T.

Are they really just stupid and ignorant or do they just act that way. That I still wonder. 

The crap they do and think we believe makes me think they are just to STUPID to know they are even STUPID.

I had mine one time get a speeding ticket, hide it and when I found it and read what it was for the INK that the COP wrote and the DATE AND TIME AND WHAT FOR tried to tell me it was not. He even said let me see then read it and tried to tell me the DATE was different and it did not say speeding.  NOW THAT IS STUPID!!  I can see what it said. Then he said oh I was trying to throw you off so you would say F**k it and throw it on the side.  How the hell can you throw me off of this.  I HAVE EYES and know what I see. 
Which bring me back to are they really STUPID or just play STUPID OR THINK I'M STUPID and everyone else in this world all except them. 
I would be way to embarrassed to try to pull off some of the things they think they can. That's another thing I noticed they don't get embarrassed. 
Ay yi yi yi,

Deb

Maybe we're dealing with identical triplets separated at birth!  Good Grief!!!

Bones

[BonesMS]

BTW, how do the other two males react when cornered?

Bones

[debkor]

Bones,

When mine was cornered.  He ran.  If he was not physically running he was running in his head through contradictions, lies, manipulation.  If it was not working on me he recruited other people by proxy to do his dirty work and they didn't even know it.  Or he would ignore that I was even talking. Or he would blow me off. Or he would project, or he would make me think I was crazy because I could not keep up with all the contradictions and forget what I was talking about in the first place and hope that I would say oh to hell with this and shut up.

Laura is right when she said they always have a way of telling on themselves.  Mine had a habit of talking in examples and statistics.
Something like this;

Do you know that 99percent of the men have cheated either once or twice while married and the other 1 percent will lie and say they didn't. 
So you are telling me you cheated once and are planning on twice?
NO! Not me I'm saying the statistics are what I just said. 
Ok so you are saying that you are the 1 percent that lies about it?
NO, that's the other guy, NOT ME, I'm just saying that I'm very smart and learn a lot. I don't think that is right. I would not do that. I'm just saying those other people.
What other people, you just said 100 percent do it. 99 per cent do it and 1 percent lies about it but do it.  So that means you fall into one of those categories.
I do not, ok I was wrong I meant that 99 percent cheat and I'm in the one percent that don't.  What I meant is that 1 percent really don't cheat they just make believe they do so the other guys will look at them like WOW!! Like boys talk, you know guys do that to make themselves feel big.

OMG! WHAT AN ASS*H**E, just told on himself and I loved watching him go from corner to corner running like a little trapped rat. 
They really are not bright! At least mine wasn't.

You know come to think of it my friends ex also talked like that.  With examples but NOT HIM, other people.

Deb

[reallyME]

Deb,

your post was BRILLIANT!  It was short, to the point and very picturesque too!

My husband does the same thing you said yours does, and you handle it the same way I do.  This helps to know that someone else "calls them" on their crud

The main thing with N's is they always seem to notice the flaws in others but NOOOOOOOOO NEVER themselves!  They cannot allow that image of who they THINK they are, be tarnished, or their cover will be BLOWN!  can't have THAT...no no no.

My husband grew up being told he was the GOOD BOY, cause he was a caretaker of his mother and sister.  His brothers got into alcohol and drugs, but NOOOOOOOO not him...he was the MORAL one, the GOOD one, the RESPONSIBLE one.

As a result, he grew up with a VERY INFLATED image of himself and of anyone else who ADORED HIM or even people he doesn't know.  When I did the online test for him, he turned out to be Narcissistic and Schizoid.  He does have some WEIRD notions about life for sure.

To him, EVERYONE ADORES HIM.  He finds it really hard to grasp that someone would NOT like him, but if they don't "oh well, that's THEIR problem."  He sees pretty much everyone as if "oh, they aren't MEAN, they were just expressing an opinion!"  A person could spit in his face, tell him to shove something up his $*&$&^* and go AWAY! and he would still totally say the behavior was NOT cruel and did NOT affect him and how SILLY OF ME to let it "get to me."


I usually feel very INVALIDATED when someone verbally attacks me and I go to my husband for help.  He will NOT defend or protect me.  He just tells me to leave the situation, ignore it, shake it off, etc.  He was taught that if you ACT LIKE IT DIDN'T HAPPEN, then IT DIDN'T.

These kind of things really P me off!  i've always been the "whistle-blower" on dysfunction.  I was the one who told people my step father was abusive.  I told people my husband's aunt was abusive.  I told people my husband's father was abusive and a child molester, so for him to sit there and defend the cruelty of people in this world...well, I'm LIVID at times about it!  He is SO deluded!

ok, I guess I've said enough here.  Just my feelings coming out and I know I have a voice to express them here, so I did.

~Laura

[reallyME]

Gosh! I have soooooooo much to share on this topic!

I will wait till I locate my journal, but for now, another way you can know if someone is an N, is that they will say things that tactful, kind people would NEVER say.  It's not that they say things that are NOT true; it's that they blurt out the most hurtful things, that most people have the decency NOT to say to a person's face.

Here are some examples:

Human: "I'm really upset.  That dress I had put aside for my son's wedding day just doesn't zip anymore."

Narcissist: "Ya know, you really are fat.  Ever consider that show on tv?  The one where they do makeovers?"

Human: "I'm so concerned about my grandmother."

Narcissist: "why?  Is she still sick from the cancer?"

Human: "Yeah, they don't give her long to live."

Narcissist:  "well, at least she paid on that boat before she kicks off.  That would have left such a burden on your mom!"



Human:  "I can't believe I just went out there and made a complete fool of myself ON STAGE!"

Narcissist: "Well, after all, I told you I'd make a better Cleopatra than you did in that play."


Human:  "I am in soooooooo much pain from that board hitting my foot the other day."

Narcissist:  "I have this huge lump on my head.  My daughter told me that these things sometimes form as you get older, ya know?  I think it feels like it's going away though. I really hope so, cause I have that big dinner date on Sunday with my boyfriend and it would totally not be good for me to walk in there as head of the club, with a huge, unsightly knot on my face!"   (totally ignored MY pain, notice)


Human:  "I'm concerned that you rarely seem to listen to me, or, even if you do, the topic goes right back onto you and your issues.  I feel invalidated."

Narcissist:  "My dear...your problem is that you expect way too much of me.  I'm only human.  If you expect me never to make a mistake, you are really setting yourself up for some disappointment.  What do you WANT FROM ME?"



Human:  " Oh my gosh!  did you see that?  The little girl around the block was raped and they think it was her uncle who did it!"

Narcissist:  "oh"

Human:  "didn't you HEAR what I said?  Mindy, that little girl around the block was RAPED!"

Narcissist:  "I heard ya."

Human:  "That's it?  That's all you are going to say?  You heard me?  Dear God, Francis! This little girl is about 4 years old!  Her UNCLE RAPED HER!"

Narcissist:  "What are you SHOUTING AT ME FOR?"

Human:  "oh my GOD!  Don't you have a heart?  Don't you even give a rip?  A little girl was raped...A little girl your neice is friends with!"

Narcissist:  "My gosh! I heard you already.  Why do you keep repeating it like a broken record?"

Human:  "Cause maybe I want you to give a dam*!"

Narcissist:  "What do you WANT ME TO SAY?  There aint' nothing I can do about it, so just LET IT GO ALREADY!"


THESE ARE THE KINDS OF COLD, HEARTLESS THINGS THAT YOU WILL HEAR FROM A NARCISSIST.  They act like idiots!  Only GOD can change most of em!

~Laura

[BonesMS]

I agree Laura!

An example of idiocy from my late Nmother, when she brought up the topic of her ex-boyfriend molesting and raping the children in the neighborhood (and she KNEW about it all along):

"Well, ALL children are NATURALLY whores so they deserve to be raped!"

BOY, did I go BALLISTIC on THAT one and tore her a new a$$H***!  I REFUSED to let THAT go unchallenged!!!!!

Bones

P.S.  She was in a nursing home at the time and I was SO LIVID that I didn't care who heard me!

[BonesMS]

One of the things I have become painfully aware of, with my soon-to-be-ex boyfriend, is that he is doing a LOT of gaslighting lately and has been caught at it time and time again.  Even my other friends and acquaintences have encountered it and ask me:  "What's up with him?!?!?"

Bones

[Ami]

I am sorry.Bones. You have had so many betrayals. My heart goes out to you   Love  Ami