((((Bones))) Sounds like you dealt with little miss N okay. When you noticed she was likely an N - did you say to yourself "sh**" or "no problem, I can handle her" or somewhere in between? I'm curious.
Talk about violating boundaries - on wednesday, I had a job interview. After that, I went to meet my brother, who I'd spoken to about having a "we are adults - we have boundaries" type discussion with NM. She's been causing havoc for both of us lately. My brother discovered 10 years ago in his first divorce that our Mother was BPD and was likely the reason he picked his first wife. He is going through T again, as he and his second wife have taken some time apart to work things out. He told me about this BPD discovery a couple of months ago and we seemed to have shared some information that has made me feel closer to him.
Anyway, so we met and it was an awful experience. He has become so one-sided about his version of the events and thinks his T process is giving him all the answers, including telling me what my problems are. But he was way off base. He berated me about my choices, the words I use (trying a semantic game play on walls vs. defenses vs. boundaries). I discovered that he really was not listening. Also, he threw out some BS about "choices" like I could sell my car or take a job at Starbucks, rather than the choice I did make, which was to ask my NM for some assistance until I get another job. ( I got laid off in dec 07, went thought 23k savings in 08, 09, had no debt and paid off my car) I've been very financially responsible. If you can pay off your car on unemployment and have 23 k saved - thats not too bad. He told me he has to move in dec and he doesnt even have moving expenses and first/last, so he's the last person to be lecturing me about $$$.) Going to her was dreadful and my last resort, but I dont regret it.
At one point, I was in his car and he kept going on and I was feeling abused. I was getting hot and faint at the same time. When he got to the corner I said" I have to get out of this car". I jumped out and walked the 12 or so blocks to my car. He never turned back ,never called to ask what happened or if I was OK. It was really awful. I felt violated as thought I trusted him with important information and he violated that trust by not being understanding and choosing to lecture me (and trust me, he has a lot of his own problems)
When I got back to my car, I called my T and went in on Friday for a session. He told me that my Brother was likely projecting his stuff, including the crap about choices, into me and it was about HIM not ME. I agreed, but what gets me the most is that he is now making assumptions about me based on misinformation that he might use to make conclusions, only to find they will be wrong in the future. Additionally, my Brother didn't think I should take the job, because it means that I will be in very close proximity to Nm for a couple of months. Ugh. I know this exchange will backfire someday. My T really helped me this time -he said it was nothing to worry about - I felt it needed to be addressed by email as in "I got out of the car because I felt.......and you violated my boundaries because...... and we cant talk if you are not interested in listening because....." T seems to think it was nothing to worry about since I cant control how he thinks, true, but I think I need to say "this hurt, I don't appreciate it". I'm still thinking about this.
Needless to say, Brother and I never got to discuss the part about the boundaries with NM - so nothing was accomplished. We (me and brother) have still not spoken about the "I have to get out of this car" incident.
There are verbal boundaries and he really managed to cross mine this time. I wont allow it in the future. Its a violation of trust to discuss something or relevance to us BOTH and have him dominate this way.
I'd apprecaite your feedback.
