Author Topic: 2 steps up, 2 steps down, 2 on the same place.  (Read 12412 times)

Lupita

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Re: 2 steps up, 2 steps down, 2 on the same place.
« Reply #15 on: September 15, 2007, 08:50:51 AM »
He was punishing me. He was mad because I told him that he was not leading me correctly. I hurt him first. He reacted. But I was being honest.  If I would have to be walking on egg shells all the time so he does not punish me, it would be a horrible life. How can such a little thing make him feel so bad?  I would have done almost anything for him. He did not see it. I mean, except to take care of a sick husband or support a husband with out a job. LOL
Lighter, why do you think I feel so sad?

Ami

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Re: 2 steps up, 2 steps down, 2 on the same place.
« Reply #16 on: September 15, 2007, 09:00:33 AM »
Dear lupita,
  I have made new discoveries that might help you. I am going to be starting some new threads. I am convinced(IMO) that it is the deep "sign" that we wear that "attracts' this type of behavior. I am "birthing" a whole new outlook on life. It involves JUST what you are talking about.
   I am seeing things with my heart right now. I had so much good information in my head. I have had 8 years of Al anon, 10 years of AA(I am not an alcoholic),  Masters degree in Psychology,and  thousands s of books,. What did I have- NOTHING b/c it was NOT in my heart.
  Now, from all my "work" on the board,I am seeing with my heart. My 'heart has eyes and ears. I have opened up a new dimension inside me. Normal people have it and don't LOSE it,I think.WE, abused  people,lose it. That might be the core difference between us and them. My mother stole my ability to perceieve from this dimesnsion. I am going to start a thread on it, today. I call it the "animal senses',instinct,inner cjild, or pre-verbal part of us. You could call it the "knower".
  We ALL have it,but when we are abused, we lose our TRUST in it. Maybe ,we don't even H EAR it anymore but it is still there--buried.
  THIS is the part that has to change in order for our life to change. On this very,very deep level is WHERE we have the sign"I can be abused". There has to be a very deep acknowlegment and undertanding of this deep level in order to REMOVE the sign
  I know for 100% sure that this is true(IMO). I feel it. I know it. I know that this is the
template"in me that MUST be changed for me to have a quality life. I will be starting some new threads on it,if you are interested                        Love  Amil
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Lupita

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Re: 2 steps up, 2 steps down, 2 on the same place.
« Reply #17 on: September 15, 2007, 09:03:04 AM »
The sadest thing is that we were supposed to be celbrating yesterday because I got my letter of aproval to become a citizen. I worked so hard on it. That was his celebration. I was working on that for ten years. I finally got. I am going to ahve my oath next week. He totally destroyed my joy. He punished me. He hates me. Like my mother. My mother always destroyed my joy.

Ritidectomy is plastic surgery to remove the wrincles and bags around eyes and chicks. "lifintg"

I want that!!!!!! yes  I do.

Lupita

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Re: 2 steps up, 2 steps down, 2 on the same place.
« Reply #18 on: September 15, 2007, 09:08:19 AM »
Ami, I agree, I thought about that. It is an attitud of begging for love. It is around friends around coworkers, around everybody, because we had to beg for love at home. That begger attitud is the one that is kiiling our lives. How to fix the attitud, that we do not need that love, because we can love our selves. Until we learn to do that.

Ami

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Re: 2 steps up, 2 steps down, 2 on the same place.
« Reply #19 on: September 15, 2007, 09:10:38 AM »
Dear Lupita,
  If pure "beauty" made you happy, why aren't the beautiful actresses in Hollywood happy?I understand about how we look, I really do. However,if you still are wearing the 'I can be abused sign"--- you will still attract the same type of person no matter how beautiful you are.
  I think that you 'know" this down deep, you are just really,really hurting right now.
  As I "birth" this new layer of myself(trust in my deep feelings), my life is ALREADY changing. I have changed three relationships,significantly.
  I am all for outside beauty,but DEEP beauty HAS to be there ,too. Then,you will be the WHOLE package,Lupita                                 Love  Ami
 
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Lupita

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Re: 2 steps up, 2 steps down, 2 on the same place.
« Reply #20 on: September 15, 2007, 09:13:43 AM »
Dont kill me for what I am going to say. I feel that I provoked that man because I was not humble enough. The bible says you have to submit to your man. That is why he had to punish me.
I know, I know, it is stupid, my reason tells me, my brain tells me, but I sitll feel that way. I know I know. Dont yell at me please.

lighter

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Re: 2 steps up, 2 steps down, 2 on the same place.
« Reply #21 on: September 15, 2007, 09:17:56 AM »
Eh... it's so sad bc you were wishing and hoping for those dizzy, tingly, happy, esteem inspiring feelings to go on and oan.  

This dance boy.... can't sustain them.

Sorry. ::shrug::

Get over and stop hoping in that direction.

Pick out the dress that makes you grin and go dancing tonight.... instead of being sad.

Go to a club that plays your music and do something out of character.

Ask a dance instructor, if you see one, to forcefully take you accross the floor, you feel the need to be driven competently to that particular song... then DANCE and enjoy.

Or not but listen..... this is just another wave, my dear.

With it comes understanding and the calm will follow, eventually.

You'll feel happy to be alive again, sooner than you think... so get used to believing in that.

You will get over this and you will feel better.... it will always come so stop fearing the pain and sadness.

Just sit with it for a bit then get moving.  

Pedicure, scruff... tan your face with a tanner and paint your nails red.

Put on your dress and makeup and swish your skirt around in the mirror.... do you feel better?

I bet you will; )



He was punishing me. He was mad because I told him that he was not leading me correctly. I hurt him first. He reacted. But I was being honest.  If I would have to be walking on egg shells all the time so he does not punish me, it would be a horrible life. How can such a little thing make him feel so bad?  I would have done almost anything for him. He did not see it. I mean, except to take care of a sick husband or support a husband with out a job. LOL
Lighter, why do you think I feel so sad?

lighter

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Re: 2 steps up, 2 steps down, 2 on the same place.
« Reply #22 on: September 15, 2007, 09:21:21 AM »

Ummmm... you do realize that those feelings, in your head, are wrong....

right?

Wouldnt' that little N boy enjoy it if you approached him, silent, eyes down....

and said these things to him?

::sigh::



Dont kill me for what I am going to say. I feel that I provoked that man because I was not humble enough. The bible says you have to submit to your man. That is why he had to punish me.
I know, I know, it is stupid, my reason tells me, my brain tells me, but I sitll feel that way. I know I know. Dont yell at me please.

Lupita

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Re: 2 steps up, 2 steps down, 2 on the same place.
« Reply #23 on: September 15, 2007, 09:32:48 AM »
WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE CELBRATING THAT I WAS APROVED TO HAVE MY OATH NEXT WEEK FOR CITIZENSHIP. I WORKED ON IT FOR TEN YEARS. HE DESTROYED MY JOY, LIKE MY MOTHER ALWAYS DOES, HE BEHAVED EXACTLY LIKE MY MOTHER, THAT IS THE WAY MY MOTHER BEHAVES. THAT IS THE WAY MY MOTHER TREATS ME!!!!!!!!!!
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lupita

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Re: 2 steps up, 2 steps down, 2 on the same place.
« Reply #24 on: September 15, 2007, 09:38:45 AM »
TEN YEARS AGO, I GAVE A CONCERT IN MY TOWN. PEOPLE WERE STANDING IN OVATION. MY MOTHER TOLD ME ALL THE MISTAKES I DID RIGHT ABOUT COMING FROM THE STAGE. BECAUSE SHE IS A PIANIST SHE KNEW. BUT SHE DID NOT HAVE TO TELL ME WHEN PEOPLE WAS EXCYTED ABOUT ME. SHE SABOTIZED ONE OF MY SON'S BIRTHDAY PARTIES.
THIS MAN IS LIKE MY MOTHER. I AM NOT EMULATING MY FATHER, I AM EMULATING MY MOTHER.
in my family everybody was abused. Everybody. My father was grab by his feet and thrown to the wall by his father. My grand father was tied to a tree to be punished. Dignity did not exist in my family for generations, in both sides of my family.

lighter

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Re: 2 steps up, 2 steps down, 2 on the same place.
« Reply #25 on: September 15, 2007, 09:41:07 AM »
And does it surprise you so much that you chose a relationship, like that with your mother, to work on....

to overcome....

to finally find the resolution you've been searching for since you were a toddler?

I'm not.

Time to give up that hope..... symbolically, literally and figuratively.

I'm up for a moonlit, candlighted ceremony if you are.

But don't let it defeat you, Lupita.

It's just familiar and you're so tired of that dance.

Time for a new dance.

Time to celebrate with worthy people.

It won't feel right at first....

saying yes to people who don't ring familiar bells when you meet them but....

it'll lead to support and healthier things.

It will lead to adult relationships that are based on the present moments in your life.

Not a script you've been following, up to this point.

It's not the surgery or the dresses that heal you.....

it's the fact that you're investing in Lupita's needs, wants and desires.

You're nurturing you bc that's your job.

Feeling good about yourself and trusting your instincts is RIGHT.

Feeling defeated and beating yourself up.....

remaining mired.....

is wrong.

Make some good decisions and stick with them.

Enforce boundaries.  That helps cut out a lot of the trouble, right there.

Do you want to do something, just for you?

Do it.

Celebrate your victory without dance boy.

You don't need him, I promise and the sadness will pass.

Fill that space with something else.  

I think if you just went dancing tonight you'd feel better.

Not a lot... you could manage that?

Count your blessings.

Remember the lessons when something doesn't turn out the way you'd hoped.

Don't assume you have nothing to offer.... I assure you.... you do.


WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE CELBRATING THAT I WAS APROVED TO HAVE MY OATH NEXT WEEK FOR CITIZENSHIP. I WORKED ON IT FOR TEN YEARS. HE DESTROYED MY JOY, LIKE MY MOTHER ALWAYS DOES, HE BEHAVED EXACTLY LIKE MY MOTHER, THAT IS THE WAY MY MOTHER BEHAVES. THAT IS THE WAY MY MOTHER TREATS ME!!!!!!!!!!
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Ami

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Re: 2 steps up, 2 steps down, 2 on the same place.
« Reply #26 on: September 15, 2007, 09:46:52 AM »
Dear Lupita,
  FIRST of all- you have to keep sharing ALL this stuff so that we can help you. Your reasoning is not "right". You need to bring it to the "light" of day so people can help you. KEEP SHARING ALL this pain.
You are doing exactly right.
  I want to say that I have used the Bible to whack myself over the head with thousands s and thousands of times. We are reading it WRONG- if it ever,ever leads to our abuse in ANY way at all.
 This submitting to the man thing is ONLY when you are married AND the man is TREATING you like 'Christ treated the church." IOW,it is ONLY  when you have a man who loves and cherishes you so much as Christ did for  the church.
 I think that if you have any Bible references that cause you ANY pain( from abuse), you should throw them out. You are reading  them wrong(IMO)
  I am going to re-read everything and respond again-if I think that I can help               Love  Ami


P.S. I think that you are "simply" repeating your pattern with your mother again. I have done it hundreds of times,too. Now, you can take what you are learning and try to face it. Grieve the pain. See that your M was distorted. What she told you about yourself( that you are worthless) is all lies.
 YOU may feel really horrible. I understand,BUT- you are at a really,really good place. You can start to heal NOW b/c you are facing the pattern. It is really good,Lupita . Keep writing and grieving. Many people will hep you
« Last Edit: September 15, 2007, 09:51:38 AM by Ami »
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

lighter

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Re: 2 steps up, 2 steps down, 2 on the same place.
« Reply #27 on: September 15, 2007, 09:49:11 AM »
Well that's really sad and improbable and I'm sure it's true and it's obviously left it's mark on you, Lupita.

But it's not going to change.  

You deserved better.... you didn't get it.

You'll never get it from her.... or dance boy.

Be sad about that... get into the shower (bring a scruffer) and cry and sink into that sadness.

Soooo unfair.

So sad that little child Lupita and her father were injured and damaged..... cry and just howl like an animal.

Feel all that sadness... talk to your mother and TELL her how it felt to hear her at that piano recital.

Tell her how it felt when you sabotaged your son't b-day.

Tell her how it felt to be unprotected and torn apart as a child..... tell her and cry and let yourself feel the sadness.

Then get your scruffer and diligently scruff it all away.

Wash your hair twice and scruff your face well.

pay attention to your ankles and toes and backs of your hands...scruff scruff scruff.

Deep condition your hair with that special condiitioner you never use in the drawer bc it takes too much time.

When you get out of the shower..... take a big breath and turn your attention to that pedicure and maybe sit in the sun with a nice cup of comfort and read a bit.  

Nurture yourself..... decide on how you'll celebrate that 10 year victory you've earned.  

It's yours and your mother can't take anything else away from you.... that you don't giver her.

((lupita))

It's gonna be OK.




TEN YEARS AGO, I GAVE A CONCERT IN MY TOWN. PEOPLE WERE STANDING IN OVATION. MY MOTHER TOLD ME ALL THE MISTAKES I DID RIGHT ABOUT COMING FROM THE STAGE. BECAUSE SHE IS A PIANIST SHE KNEW. BUT SHE DID NOT HAVE TO TELL ME WHEN PEOPLE WAS EXCYTED ABOUT ME. SHE SABOTIZED ONE OF MY SON'S BIRTHDAY PARTIES.
THIS MAN IS LIKE MY MOTHER. I AM NOT EMULATING MY FATHER, I AM EMULATING MY MOTHER.
in my family everybody was abused. Everybody. My father was grab by his feet and thrown to the wall by his father. My grand father was tied to a tree to be punished. Dignity did not exist in my family for generations, in both sides of my family.

Lupita

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Re: 2 steps up, 2 steps down, 2 on the same place.
« Reply #28 on: September 15, 2007, 10:24:11 AM »
OMG!!!!!!!!!! Lighter!!!!!!!!!!!  How did you know this????????????????????


"Deep condition your hair with that special condiitioner you never use in the drawer bc it takes too much time."


Did you spy me????????  LOL......it is so true!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did you read my mind?

Lupita

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Re: 2 steps up, 2 steps down, 2 on the same place.
« Reply #29 on: September 15, 2007, 10:27:02 AM »
It is amazing, I have been posting and reading since 5:30 this morning and I feel a little better now. Thanks to this board and the people who takes time to write and talk to me, whether I like it or not. That is friendship. Hope that one day I can meet you all. I can have coffee with you. I can take you to my dance school. I can go to the beach with you. I need you so much!!!!!!!!!!!!