back when i was nothing but a mess...when I could not have a conversation with X without feeling controlled and dispersed of and terribly needy of them...I began taking an anticonvulsant, prescribed by my doctor.
I remember feeling like I stepped into a different zone or something. I remember being suddenly able to talk to X without any confusion. Suddenly, i felt no need for X in my life, and suddenly I felt NOTHING.
For the time I was on the drug, I was unable to feel. I gradually realized that I couldn't cry, I couldn't feel anger, I couldn't feel joy either.
X and I got along wonderfully, but eventually she left me anyway, for another person (not meaning this as a homosexual thing at all...just close friends)...after that, I was left feeling NOTHING other than deepest depression from the drug. Eventually I tried other meds, all with similar results.
FInally, my doc took me off meds, told me my problems were situational. Since then, all the feelings are back again. It's awful and yet wonderful at the same time.
Now that the people of my past have decided to grace me with their presence covertly, by talking "about" rather than "to" me, the current feelings are meshing with the old ones and it's resulting in something new that I'm having to overcome once again.
But one thing I will NOT do, unless it's absolutely necessary, is go back on drugs again. I WILL feel and I will DEAL with those feelings I am experiencing. I willl NOT curl up in a little ball, feeling sorry for myself, pining away after people who have discarded me.
I will NOT die of heartbreak...and I thank GOD that the people of my past are not the only people on the planet who matter. if so, I truly WOULD be doomed to feel like the most despicable creature on the planet. If only their opinion was what mattered, and those of the people on this board who will now agree with it against me...well, I'd never want to live again. HOw could a person live, knowing that the only people whose view counted, have declared you to be "useless, rubbish, hopeless and unworthy of their time." No, I'm grateful that even if the world would turn against me, my Lord will take me up.
The one thing that all people of my past have shown me over and over again, is that THEY would not stick with me in life for the duration, though they promised they would...but GOD never leaves nor forsakes me and He never will. My life isn't of this world, anyway. I keep forgetting why I'm here. I'm just a vessel of His to use how He wants. Thanks to my experiences of the past and the reactions of the people to those things, I know there is NOTHING here for me on this planet anymore.
~later all
