Hello everyone
For all my might, I do not want to be in therapy for 10-15 years. If I were, I would hate myself. I put in 7 months, as that was conditional on my daughter's still speaking to me. Parts of her life she does not understand. It is familial. My mother was dysfunctional in dealing with me, and I was dysfunctional in dealing with my daughter. We have had email conversations, painful to both of us, last Spring, but we never want to go through that again.
We have been having pleasant emails and that is it! I accept what she tells me and the rest is very much of their lives about which I know nothing, but I have resigned myself to this position. It's the best it will ever be, and I am not depressed about it. She hears from me as well but not all the gory details. Oh!! Poor pity me!! I have a pressure sore on my heel and a big blister on my shin and I can't use my car and am spending a fortune on taxis. There is nothing she can do, just as there is nothing I can do. It's up to the Doctors and staff.
I learned a lot for these past 7 months with the therapist, and most of it I cannot put into words. Her very presence was enough for one to want to Be like her.
The number of times I have asserted myself has given me so much more confidence. There was never any harm to relationships when I did so. So YAY assertiveness! Nay aggressiveness!
.although I cannot ever remember being aggressive..those times are when I ought to have been standing up for ME.
As well, building that fence in my mind and putting all the toxic people, plus some others, on the other side is a vision of what I am content for my life to be. I allow anyone over to my side if I'm ready. If not, they cannot come. It's all in my mind the way I work it. Well maybe it is more like my living alone and I don't want any of them in my life unless he/she makes h/herself known about whatever.
My disconnection would likely take 10-15 years to reconnect
and for what? Whom? My age is a huge factor. My therapist understood all I said and I can go back if I am 'twisted and confused (my words) again.
Three times I was late for appointments because of having to use a taxi. I never became angry. They were just busy! Because of these I have decided to indulge in a cell phone very soon. My daughter wrote that she was relieved that I was finally doing this!
She told my that Mags, 18, is taking one year off to travel (hope she comes here) then will enter Queen's University, in Kingston, in English
She told me that at great expense she has learned that Matt, 15, has no learning disability. He is just plain lazy.
She told me she was asked to teach at Course at the University, but she had to refuse, because her student midwife is in the class..????? Conflict of interest!
I am not telling her that I have stopped therapy! There is no need, as I expect there will never be any harsh words between us again.
Love
Izzy
EDIT: I ought to have mentioned that there can be no change for me unlesss all FIVE of us siblings were in therapy together, same room, same therapist.................................................... and maybe a dozen BIG Guards.
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