Is The Golden Child An Abused Child?

[teartracks]

Hi everyone,

It seems most dysfunctional families have a Golden Child.  I personally believe that a parent who designates a Golden Child does so for selfish reasons and that it is abuse.

Any thoughts?

tt

[sunblue]

I firmly believe there is a "golden child" with N families.  I have an older sister who is the firstborn and most definitely the "chosen child," my Nmom's golden child.  In all ways, she has and continues to be treated differently.

I have also read a lot about NPD and how many maintain that the golden child is also abused.  I admit I find this difficult to accept.  It's not that I don't believe there is some abuse attached to this golden child, it's just that from my experience and level of abuse, I find it really hard to have any sympathy for the golden child.  My sister has gotten all the attention, interest, time and "love" from my Nmom and co-dependent dad.  She could become a serial killer and they would still place her on a pedestal.  She has done really terrible things to my brother and I and others, yet she is forgiven anything.  In fact, my Nmom will never, not once acknowledge that my Nsister has any faults, weaknesses or made any mistakes.  As a result of all this special attention, my Nsister has led a successful and productive life.  Thanks, in no small part, to my Nmom's efforts, she has excelled in her career.  She has found a partner who has doted on her through their entire relationship as any co-dependent would.  She has been successful in ensuring that my parents all but eliminate my brother and I from their lives so they can devote all their time to her.  In my eyes, she has won.  She has gotten everything she's wanted.  And she's deeply hurt others in the process.

So I have a hard time seeing how this "golden child" is abused or been hurt by my Nmom as I have.  She has gotten every break in the world, in large part to the attention and interest she has received by my parents along the way.  Like I said, she has done terrible things yet suffered no consequences as a result.

Thus, I really don't see how it's fair to equate the "abuse" of the golden child to the others.  Some would say the golden child experiences abuse because they are so closely tied to the Nparent(s).  But it just seems to me they get their cake and eat it too.

Just an opinion....but I really find it hard to have any sympathy for the golden child, who by the way, is often N him/herself.  From what I've read, the golden child is often the firstborn or at least the child who closely identifies with and mimics the behavior of the Nparent.  Thus, they became Ns themselves.  Not fun.  But not easy to be sympathetic with either.

I'd be interested in hearing what others think.

[JanetLG]

teartracks,

I'd say that the Golden Child DOES suffer abuse, but that it is a completely different KIND of abuse from the kind that the people who end up on here, trying to make sense of it all, suffer. I agree with Sunblue that 'we' suffer more. But the abuse that the Golden Children suffer is that they subsume their personalities so much to the N parent that they in turn become N's themselves, just to survive. Yes, sometimes they do have 'charmed' lives, but ultimately they become an N, whereas we don't. We can grow beyond what was done to us, and be (relatively!) normal. They can never be. And they often pass the curse of an N on to their own childern, which is a terribly abusive thing to have done to them - the normal, caring relationship that a parent should have for their children is taken from them by their own self-serving parent, for their own reasons. My younger sister is the Golden Child in my family (I have an older brother). I used to think she was 'lucky' to get everything - now I don't think so. Her life is completely enmeshed with my NMum's.


Janet

[tayana]

I do think this is a form of abuse.  My mother alternately ignored me and painted me as the golden child.  When there was someone to impress, then I was so smart and talented and my accomplishments put up there for everyone to see.  "Oh, my daughter went to college on an oboe scholarship, and there just aren't that many oboe players.  The dean told me that female singers are dime a dozen, but oboe players are pretty rare."  The funny thing about this comment was that playing the oboe was an act of defiance.  My mother didn't want me to do it, and she resented having to rent an instrument for me.

Or on the subject of grades, she always glowed about what a good student I was, how smart I was, etc.  Then to my face she would tell me I wasn't good enough, so I always felt like I had to do more.  I never realized that all parents weren't like that until I started seeing the school psychologist my last year of school and he says, "Do you know how rare it is for a student to maintain a higher GPA in college than high school?  Do you really think these expectations are normal?" 

I was my mother's chosen one to go to for her problems.  I got to listen to her complain about my dad's drinking, hunting, gun collecting.  I listened to her rant and rave about him lying to her or looking at "dirty magazines."  I hated it.  I'd just sit and be silent because I didn't know what to say.

I'm reading "Healthy Parenting" by Janet Woitizt right now.  One the points that had me bobbing my head in agreement was, "Parentifying children isolates them from other children and makes them feel as though their peers are more immature."  That pretty much sums up my young adulthood.  I thought other kids my age were so immature, and on one hand I liked being my mother's confidant, but at the same time, I hated it.

I think GC's are just as abused as other children of N's.  It's just a different form of abuse, and it ends up making the GC constantly search for approval and acceptance from parents who always ask for more.  The sense of self gets sublimated until there is nothing left.

[reallyME]

But the abuse that the Golden Children suffer is that they subsume their personalities so much to the N parent that they in turn become N's themselves, just to survive.

So true, Janet

We can grow beyond what was done to us, and be (relatively!) normal.

I am glad you qualified the adjective of "normal" with "relatively."  Personally, the majority of children of N's that I have encountered, were, as I've said before in other posts, either struggling with codependency issues or borderline personality disorders...or some other disorder that distorted their relationships.

tayana: "Do you know how rare it is for a student to maintain a higher GPA in college than high school?  Do you really think these expectations are normal?" 

Is that really true?  I thought it was very common for people to maintain higher GPA's in college.  I was terrible grade-wise in high school, compared to college.  I didn't realize that is rare for people to do better in college.

They can never be. And they often pass the curse of an N on to their own childern, which is a terribly abusive thing to have done to them

yes and I often wonder about some of the children of N's that I've met.  I ponder which of them will be the N and which of them will have other issues, and then, I PRAY for them to be spared, either by somehow coming to the end of themselves, or by someone

sending them information about personality disorders and abuse, or something.

 - the normal, caring relationship that a parent should have for their children is taken from them by their own self-serving parent, for their own reasons.

yes and the child often learns the behavior because it gets the n parent ATTENTION that is wanted.

[tayana]

Is that really true?  I thought it was very common for people to maintain higher GPA's in college.  I was terrible grade-wise in high school, compared to college.  I didn't realize that is rare for people to do better in college.

I only know what the school psychologist told me, that it was very rare for a student to maintain a higher GPA all through college than in high school.  I guess they have to take into account that in college a lot of kids get their first taste of independence.  Mom and Dad aren't there to make sure work gets done, etc.  The psychologist explained that it's much more normal for grades to be lower with more difficult work and more responsibilities and freedoms.

My parents harped on my grades relentlessly in college.  I remember I got a C in my astronomy class.  I thought it would be a fun class, an alternative to biology and chemistry.  It was the single most boring class I've ever taken.  The professor was horrible.  I used to read in class all the time because he just read the book to the class, and the book was more interesting than he was.  Then he would test over things not in the book that were a brief mention in class.  I remember my father saying, "A C?  Why did you get a C?"  He totally ignored the fact that I'd gotten A's in all of my other classes.  He just didn't understand how hard the class was.

[Leah]

I was my mother's chosen one to go to for her problems.

Likewise, that was my role.

"Parentifying children isolates them from other children and makes them feel as though their peers are more immature."

In my role as PARENT never had a childhood and matured by the age of thirteen to such an extent that it was briefly assumed at one point  by a shopkeeper that my baby sister was mine!    At the time I thought the lady was just 'silly'

Makes sense that my peers and I had very little in common as I was light years ahead of them.

Must be why I married so young - or was it a subconscious effort of escape?

Love to all,

Leah

[tayana]

In my role as PARENT never had a childhood and matured by the age of thirteen to such an extent that it was briefly assumed at one point  by a shopkeeper that my baby sister was mine!    At the time I thought the lady was just 'silly'

I went someplace with my dad once, and one of the vendors thought I was his wife. 

I was so far ahead of my peers at thirteen and fourteen that I thought all of their games silly.  I remember in high school it was great fun to go out "cow tipping."  I never went, but I thought it was the dumbest thing I'd ever heard of.  Any of the other things my peers were doing fell into the same category.  I think I finally had a taste of adolesence in college, but even then it was tempered with the level of maturity I'd attained.

[JanetLG]

tayana,

What on earth is 'cow tipping'??


Janet

[tayana]

I think it's exactly what it sounds like.  They would sneak out into fields at night and try to tip cows over while they slept.  I thought it was pretty stupid, but other kids thought it was hilarious.

[JanetLG]

tayana,

Oh. It does sound stupid, but I thought there might be more to it, that I didn't understand.

Never mind how much N contact you've had, I think *anyone* in their right mind would think that's a childish thing to do!


Janet

[reallyME]

I know what cow-tipping is.  At a church outdoor day that we had a while back at my former church, there was a pig-wrestling competition.  YOu got to try and knock a huge greased pig onto its side.

Guess who actually accomplished this one! HEHE...I am your champion HOG tipper here   believe it or not

[tayana]

RM, that's so funny.  Although in high school they were cow-tipping without a contest.  At least you were doing it as part of a contest. 

[mudpuppy]

I'm not sure what the answer is to TT's original question.
But I have one of my own.
Why is the Golden Child the Golden Child? Especially when the Golden Child is often the most screwed up one.

I'm sure there are different reasons in different family's especially depending on whether the parents are Ns.
But I wonder if sometimes the Golden Child is chosen not because he or she is seen as superior but precisely because he or she is perceived as defective or weak. Perhaps parents protect and idealize the screwballs out of some misguided parental over-protection not realizing or caring what effect it has on their other kids. If the other kids are "normal" and well adjusted perhaps they're seen as strong enough to fend for themselves and overcome parental favoritism while the Golden Child is placed on a pedastel precisely because the parents don't think he or she can make it on his or her own or out of some feeling of guilt that they are somehow responsible for the nuttiness.

mud

[isittoolate]

The Golden Child~~~
~~~~~always makes me think of Scott Peterson, as he was called that in the media. After previous marriages, he was his parent's only child. His mother appeared to be an N.

He was not only and N, but a P, as he murdered his wife and unborn baby, while having another woman on the hook.

So my opinion is that the Golden Child is so accustomed to receiving whatever he/she wants, that the sense of entitlement carries on.

Since you will all know the story, just think about it~~~~
~~~and YES it was abusive of his mother to treat him as the GC. She raised a murderer.

Izzy