So, I feel less afraid now. It WAS worth it. It is always worth it to face things. It does hurt terribly. However,IF you don't face them, they will come out 'sideways"-addictions, crazy life styles, depression, phobias etc.
Thanks for being there,Lise Love Ami
Last night I felt sick with the flu/sorethroat. I took some theraflu and fell into bed drifting in and out of sleep. Suddenly, I awoke in terror -- I knew that this was old pain.
One of the things that triggered me into spending 5 years working with Dr. Freud was the pain of a love affair that ended in rejection. This was over ten years ago. I recall waking up one morning shortly after "the dear Lise Call" in intense emotional pain. My body was litterally burning so much I had to take a cold shower to cool off from the intense layer of shame that was surfacing. I could not get out of bed for a week. At the end of that week I knew that I needed help.
That is when I found Dr. Freud. I'm glad that I had common sense to tell me that my emotions were out of proportion to the present experience. I loved this guy but something told me that it was really more a wish for fulfillment than love fullfilled that was being grieved out of me. I knew this even before I entered intensive therapy -- I was ahead of the game
. I used to beat myself up just for wanting and for moving on so slowly from this guy...but now I realize that I was healthy in the sense that I did not act on these strong emotions and try to manipulate him back or loose my dignity in anyway. My intuition usually proves me right.
Those 5 years of Dr. Freud were intense to say the least. The first two were just working through layers of defenses; the next year was reliving the emotional memories of what exactly it was like to be age 3 and 4 and without parents, who were my entire world.
Dr. Freud and I did dream analysis and wish probing -- in other words I persued my unconscious so that I could be more conscious.
It was at that intense emotional pain time that I read
Necessary Losses -- What We Have To Give Up In Order To Grow - by Judith Voirst. I started doing the work -- just like you are, peeling back the layers and looking deeply at what happened that I did not want to happen and what never happend. I cried more tears and deep sobs, I pounded my pillow and sometime I just would crouch in a little ball in my bathroom, hugging myself in agony.
Through it all I never took medication, drank, smoked or overate. I used to swim laps and jog to get my endorphins up. I would nurture myself with cozy pajamas and warm cups of tea. It was a two year existence of this kind of pain.
I'll never forget the weeks when the pain started to subside and I told myself -- wow..."that was intense"..no wonder I was so messed up! I had so much pain in me that had never come out. It was like going into a time machine, and reliving from and emotional point of view, the grave trauma of what it is like to loose your parents when it is not time. I would say to myself no wonder you repressed this pain - it would have literally killed me if I had to experience it, back then, at age 4 -- I'm a survivor.
When you get a chance - read the thread "feelings as reality." LOL --- How about -- reality HAS feelings?
Anyway, my original point, was that last night I was in terror and it was not about now, it was about back then. The terror was overwhelming. I curled in a little ball and agonized all over again. It was the terror of letting go of more defenses, especially my anger. It was the terror of feeling the trauma of being so left alone emotionally when I was a baby. The good news is that the layer is gone now. I no longer will ever have to go through that again!! Whew...another layer down and about 2000 to go
!!
