Thank You Cats Paw, CB and Gabben For Sharing Your Own Painful Memories, Crying With Me and Understanding-
I have finally been able to work through the layers of inchoate pain and see the deserved guilt beneath- I was desperately trying to get things at my house in such a state that it would take 1 minute to go through everything, and 1 minute to get all of my animals away. I have a security camera now, and will not open the gate again for police. They will have to take the time to get in. I would just get everyone in crates and chuck them over my neighbor's fence if I saw trouble now. I had everyone segregated and their crates nearby. Only Baby Sammy could not be quickly dispatched to the neighbor's, and I have him in the dog run a great deal just in case, the rest of the time with me. I was afraid the cops would shoot him last time they were here, they looked back there and mumbled something! Oh God my life is a stupid mess, I read this and it looks likje I am stark raving mad.
My husband still has not picked up his things, and he and his lawyer have no problem with physical and legal violations. I have been having work done, and did not want the old kitty to get outside due to negligence from the workers, and did not want any major messes- I don't mind making things right, usually, but was afraid that someone could come in when I was gone, etc, and everything would be knocked off the dresser ( the kitty did things like that) or urinated or worse on the linens, etc or my papers, and something happen to the animals using this perhaps as an excuse.
The kitty hated to be segregated in the "pet" room, he wanted to be with me that night (he loved to sleep curled up tightly next to a person), and roam freely through the house every day as was his routine. The younger cat may have eaten everything as well as drinking all the water that day (I don't know)The arrangement was supposed to be only for a few weeks according to my little scheme and it looked like it would be back to somewhat normal early (no furniture in much of the house, but still free roaming) by next week , and I was mitigating his stress and unhappiness by giving him special attention- it seemed to work. That weekend I had a law school final , house stuff, and was sick, and I didn't do what I had planned to for him that night and he died. Any other cat would have been fine and cozy with no problem, but I should have done differently for him. I did wrong and that innocent baby suffered and died.
I do think that the problem with my husband created and worsened things and I do think this is symbolic, but my main pain stems from the loving kitty boy and my inability to make things right. I am also afraid that I will not be able to maintain my other pets in security - how did I come to this? I think if I had a normal support system, perhaps things would have gone better for the kitty., or i would have used better judgement...
I appreciate everyone's help and patience in assisting me to face this and work out the reality of the situation, and figure out what I did wrong. I was in too much agony to relally dissemble the situation. I only wish that I had gotten to him in time, or figured out another way of handling things. Thank you again.
