Reality check

[Lupita]

This was written at 4 am. But guess I need to start a new thread. Am I distorting? Am I right? Am I jealouse? A little of all? Is she too egocentristic and possessive isolating the boy constantly? If they get married, she os going to want to stay home al he time. That is a recipy for failure for a people's person.

My mom and my sil are horrible enemies. I am terrified that it couls happen to me. She anatagonizes with me. She does not humor me, not even that it is Chrsitmas and we are supposed to be together. She just absorbes my son totally, isolating him from the other people. That is no good.

She does not talk. She only answers yes or no or a movement of lips or head, she never talks, it is exasperating. I do not know if her mother has her mute because she is not NPD but very very N, interrupts conversatioons, attracts attention, never listens, ask questions and turns to somebody else, she is selfish, I am very worried.

My son is going to pay very serious consequenses if he married thie girl. Just yesterday he was telling me in our way to that house, about how much he loves her and that he would like to spend the rest of his life with her. I think GFM washed his brain. Or he is infatuated because she has a nice body, or maybe sex. Who knows.


HI, am home, my son is sleeping. I cant. Just one thing bothered me. I wanted to have group activity with the girfrield and son and the rest but the GF kept taking my son to an isolated room, away from the group. It was Christmas, they just spent one week away in a foreign country, they have a lot of time alone, this noght was to spend together, and he kept coming to the group adn inteact woth everybody and she kept taking him away. I came to them and told them why were they isolated. He told her to come sit with all of us, she did, and a few minutes later there she was taking him away. Everybody was dancing, I asked my son to dance with me, since we take dance lessons together, she held him, and then he said "I came to be with my girlfriend". She won. Or I felt she won. I have lost my son in the hands of a possessive woman. My son is a poeple person. How is he going to survivie in an isolated world? He is only 22. Ready for a master degree. She wants to get married. She will ruin my son. He will never be able to do a master degree with a wife if they get married. I want my son to be happy. But he odes not relizes that he will get bored soon with a possessive person. I was upset all night. There were other girlfirend and boyfriend in the family but they were sticking to the group. There even was a russian boyfriend to one of the cousins. He did not speak Spanish nor was American and he was sticking to the group. Knowing my son, how sociable he is and talkative he is, was isolated, he does not know that he will miss that in the future and if they get married prematurely and she gets pregnant, his life will be ruined.
I wish I did not have reasons to worry. I guess I have to leave everyting in God's hands becuase there is nothing I can do. I told my son in the way home that he should be with the group in a Christmas party and he replied that I never like anybody that I always complained after how nice they are to me. GFM tried to attract my attention several times, but when she finally got my atnetion she suddenly left and there I was alone trying to invent another conversation with somebody else, she did it three times.
My son says that there is no woman perfect and that hse is a good woman and faithful, and she pleases him a lot. She just want his attention exclusively all the time. He will get tired of that with time, I know that.
GFM got everybody to the table and then disappeared, the she dragged everybody to dance and ten disappeared, like she wants to control everybody. She does so many things just like my mother.
I never get Christmas presents, but GFM got me Christmas presents, still, I was wishing that my mother and GF were at the table with all of us having conversations with the group.
Do you have a reality check? Am I thinking worng?
She does not read, she loves shopping, she does not work, her mother provides everything ofr her, I work three jobs, my son works several jobs too, he reads a lot, he is very intellectual, she is not. GFM does not work either, her husband left her a house all paid, a pension, how can my son relate to a person who has no idea what insight is, what listening is, what phylosophy is, what sacrifice is, what delay gratification is, what effort is, what a trigger is, what abuse is.
I do not know if I am owried about me or about my son or both. I do not want to be selfish. I want my son to be happy. Is he right that nobody is going to make me happy about girlfriends for him? Am I being unfair? I dont want my son to get mad at me. I love him with all my heart. She seems to love him too. But of she loves hi just as a tool to satisfy her needs my son is going to be very unhappy in the long run. Short time is OK.
I need to pray about this.

[Lupita]

At the end, my son is going to do whatever he wants and pay the consequences of his decisions. There is nothing I can do to protect him. He already told me that I am never happy with anybody he chooses. Hi is 22, has had only two girlfriends. This is just the second girlfriend in his life. How can he say that I am never satisfied.
I just do not want my son to work like a beast to pay manicure and pedicure for a lazy woman to watch soup operas adn have children, too much time in their hands, going to the internet and having cybersex because boredom. I wish a hardworker, side by side, 50-50 relationship where shoulder by shoulder work and have a career, meditates, has insight, Oh God. I am powerless. My son has no idea of the potential damage.

[Certain Hope]

Dear Lupita,

Two of my children are grown and living on their own. I have had to just repeatedly tell myself that it is not my business what they do, lest I offer them my unsolicited advice and drive them away. They know that I will always speak my mind, so they don't ask unless they truly want to know. In my opinion, my role as a parent is to give them my blessing whether I approve of their decisions or not... as long as what they're doing is not immoral or illegal, of course. But yes, basically, "It is NONE of my business" is what I say to myself over and over when I get the notion to critique their lives. Also I am so very glad and relieved always to remember that God loves them even more than I do and so they are in the very best Hands.

Love to you,
Carolyn

[CB123]

I just do not want my son to work like a beast to pay manicure and pedicure for a lazy woman to watch soup operas adn have children, too much time in their hands, going to the internet and having cybersex because boredom.

What??????????

Lupita.  I'm concerned.

How do you get all this out of one evening?  

There are a thousand explanations for why they kept going in the other room, Lupe.  And probably most of them have to do with them.  They are young and in love.  Maybe she couldnt keep her hands off of him.  It happens.  

I know from your past posts that you have a good relationship with your son.  Good communication, good empathy.  If he is resisting your opinion now, what can you do?  If he is saying that you don't like anyone he dates, I think you should ask him questions about that statement--don't argue with him.

You are setting the stage right now, Lupe, for the relationship you will have with this girl for years.  She may be your daughter in law, in spite of your worst fears.  How you respond to her immaturity now will have everything to do with your future relationshp with her.  Accept her where she is, so your son will have no reason to write off your opinion when you offer it.  If he remains convinced that you don't like anyone he likes, you will have absolutely no voice in his decision.  

That's my reality check.  We'll see if you get some better advice this morning.

Love
CB

[Lupita]

Not one night. Three months. I have posted about it in the past. Observer was helping with GFM. Yesterday I just had the opportunity to confirm several things.
We have been shopping several times. I buy nothing and GFM and GF buy several things. Not one night. We have been together several times. My son spend one week In my mother's house last week with GF.
Observer said that this was the opportunity to prove my skills. I beaved well. I did not stop smiling. I did not do anything to ashame my son. But I was upset almost all night. They ahev time alone. Why did she had to keep him away on Christmas eve? Familty time? She has no insight. No feelings for others she is spolied. They see each other several times aweek. She stays at my son's apartment several nights a wee. They have time on thier own. Why Christams eve? I have not seen my son alone in a long time. Today is the first day I have my son in my house all for my seld. We are going to visit cuban friends. She wants to go too. She wants to ruin today too.

[Lupita]

OK CB, I do not mind you refuting my ideas. You can be the advocate of the dible. If you find my thnkng error I will be grateful. I wish I can educate this girl. Maybe that is not my Job as Certain Hope says. But I want to have friendship with her, but I do not want her to do certain things with me, that would be one of my bounaries, like I want if we are in a group that they would include me in the group and not just separate. Like everybody else did.

Come on CB, discuss with me.

[Lupita]

Now we have New Year. I want to be with my son. What a pain in the a*s!!!!!!!

[Certain Hope]

Lupita!  Oh, dear. Well.. you have not invited me to discuss this with you, so I feel that I'd best ask you whether I may... and if not, that's perfectly okay. For now, I'll just tell you that as I put myself into your shoes and consider how I may feel about my own son at that age, I know that I'd absolutely have to make up my mind NOT to take that perspective. That may not be easy, but there is no other option if I don't want to be miserable and make others around me miserable, too.

Love to you,
Carolyn

[Ami]

Dear Lupita,
  IMO, your thinking is not "right" in this. I am trying to get a handle on it. You are seeing life through a lens that is your own--not your son's, his g/f, her M etc.
 You have the fear of her "sponging" off your son. Perhaps ,she is like this. Perhaps,not. Are you sure she is that type of a person? Are your own fears for your son distorting this girl,in your mind?
 How much of what you see in her is just "youth" rather than "deception"
 When they want to be alone, is it an actual "insult" to you or just "young love".? I would not feel that way about my sons. I don't feel that way about my S's and girls. I trust them ,but they have always proved trustworthy and 'smart" about relationships.
IF they were to have a g/f that I didn't like, I would not act badly to her. I have made so many mistakes in my own life . Even my own M told me to "run" from my H, but I would not listen.
 I can only give my son's my opinion. That is it. It is very hard to see your son going down,if he is. I can appreciate your pain in that. However,it is not about "you", anymore, but about "him"
 I have been a DIL and a mother to son's who are dating. I bet that your S's  g/f can feel your dissaproval. Maybe, she is going in to the other room to simply "regroup.". It really hurts to feel that a b/f' 's    M does not like you. I am sure that she looks up to you,as s/one who  has good sense. I bet that she hurts ,inside, when she picks up your feelings toward her.
Just some thoughts---compost what does not fit.        Ami

[Lupita]

My son told me that I was his hero. I raised him by my self, no child support, no help, just him and me. Now my life has no purpose. He said that with out me he has nothing. But he cuts me off his life in a way. I just have to stay away and see how he ruins his life with out saying anything. I do not like lazy women. Women who are acostume to get her needs satisfied by a husband who pays the bills, and takes them out, and come tired from work to help in house work while the woman stays at home talks to friends on the phone, go to the internet to have affairs and spend credit cards in the mall.
I do not care about house cleaning and cooking, anybody can clean abd cook, not everybody can make money and pay bills. Lazy women do not.
I am extremely sad, depressed, GFM is an N. My son is being sucked in, in a world of lazy women. GFM has a beautiful house that she did not pay, credit cards that she does not have to pay. Sleeps late, does not exercise, the other daughter is 300lb.
I work three jobs, never remarried in honor of my son, keep working very hard, go to the gym, OMG, I am so tired. That young lady is very self centered. I go to conseinment stores. I told her and she said that she would never put on something used. I want to vomit.
We went to restaurant and GFM was talking to the waitress in a very boosy manner. I said to be nicer of we would get saliva on our food. She wanted to pay the bill, i cannot let her. I cannot reciprocate. I cannot spend 50 dollars in one hour sitting. I only can spend no more than 10 dollars only once a week in a restaurant. Now she wants to decide where we will eat for new year, what to do and where to go. I refuse.
Sometimes I think my life has no purpose. So much sacrifice for nothing.

[Lupita]

Certain Hope, I do not have to invite you. You can discuss with me. If you can convence me, I mean show me the evidence, like observer did, show me my thinking error, I mean, something that shows not criticizm, but like scientific method, observation. hypothesis, etc. No Bible.
The bible says honor your parents, but sometimes parents are very abusive, and you cannot honor them, etc. no bible.
If you show me my distortion I will be grateful. Cognitively.

Ami, I do not think my son is going down, he is just falling in the trap of a bad style of living, where the man ends up paying the bills for too many people, working like a beast. I have seen it. My borther is like this. I have an uncle like that too.

[Lupita]

I believe that everybody can throw clothe in the washer maschine, you do not need to feed, clothe, and roof, and pamper, and give credit cards, to a woman just to push the start in a washer or dryer. That was a job when there was no technology. Now, there is no need for that. There is more need for two salaries, so they can have a better living.
I work three jobs and I wash and clean and cook.

[Certain Hope]

Hi, Lupita,

I don't think that I can convince you of anything, really.
Especially since I've been a homemaker/housewife for a good portion of my married life, I don't agree with your view of those who stay home to care for their homes and families. Raising four children and caring for every aspect of our home and personal business is the most difficult job I've ever had.

Most definitely I disagree with your statement that "anybody can clean and cook".
Honestly, Lupita, you sound like you very much resent the fact that you had to work so hard to earn a living and support yourself and your son...
and although I surely can understand your feelings about that, I can also see that you appear to have developed strong prejudices toward women who have chosen the role which I myself chose for many years. We're not all lazy bums, Lupita.

So there is your cognitive error, imo...
you are clearly generalizing and stereotyping and thinking with extreme prejudice toward an entire segment of society whose life choices you have not shared. If that cognitive error is based on bitter resentment and/or envy, then all of the thoughts proceeding from that corrupted foundation will be tainted.

Said with love to you, dear Lupita... that is my true view.

Carolyn

[Lupita]

I am scared that my son is going to end paying child support to a woman who has another boyfriend. Like amny women who post here. I have read several threads of women who sue husbands for money, and they already have affairs, and do not work, and complain about husbands, but they do not want to go outside and cooperate with budget, make a salay, have a job.

I am mad, depressed, sad, scared, losing the person which was the light of my life.

I have seen my borther saying, "I have nothing to talk about with her"

My ex husband did not like the beach. The sand itches him, the sun burns him, the salt dries his skin, etc. I love the beach. Melancoly attacked me when I could not go to the beach for years, because of him.

My son is very profound, very intellectual, reads a lot. This woman does not read at all, just watches soup operas. Oh, of course, shopping, with credit cards that she does not have to pay.

[Certain Hope]

Lupita,

I do understand your feelings and don't wish to negate them...
I do not desire such an empty, loveless life for my only son, either.

Please know that I am not angry with you because our perspectives differ.
I have also been forced to work and support my children alone, and so I've experienced both sides of that coin.
I hope that you're not angry with me... and I thank you for allowing me to express my views openly. In the past, I would have remained silent rather than risk a difference of opinion. In fact, I've heard you many times express this view of lazy women and not addressed it.... so I'm thankful for this opportunity and for the growth I've experienced in being able to respond without anger or avoidance.

With love,
Carolyn