Author Topic: New member  (Read 2355 times)

fiddlinblues

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« on: June 21, 2004, 12:21:27 PM »
Hi, I'm a new member trying to learn how to move on with life. How to deal with life.
I've been through two abusive relationships. The second one wound up with a court restraint and 20 wks anger management for my husband. Since the day I left, he has not had a single drink, going on 18 months. He is very, very different than how he used to be.
He's not what is troubling me, though. Our relationship has been slowly rebuilding from the ground up.
During the time I was dealing with the abuse, I fell for a married man. He seemed to be everything--intelligent, sensitive, well-spoken, and our interests and philosophies seemed to be so similar. Our friendship quickly progressed into an emotional relationship, with no physical culmination. He told me many times how much he loved me.
The story gets very long and hairy. But ultimately, he "broke up" with me, (right as we had made plans for our first time "together") said his wife refused to let him go. Said he asked her to  "allow" him to leave, that she refused him. So for the next 9 months we saw each other and wrote as "friends" , though inevitably one or the other of us would come up with that "L" word. He always told me that he loved me more than her. One night toward the end of that nine months he even brought wine and we danced etc.(and I believed it....duh....) That's when he told me he loved two women, and I finally woke up and said that wasn't going to happen. I would not be in that relationship if he loved his wife.
When it finally came out to his wife about those 9 months he had continued seeing me, then she started digging years into my past and posting things online on a forum, and showing up places, etc. After 3 months of that I finally blew up and sent many of his past emails to her. It was quiet for several months, then about 1 1/2 months ago he started attacking every post I made online, questioning my sources, insinuating that I was making up "questionable trivia", making fun of me, and baiting me with posts that he knew no one else would catch.
This past week I began talking with his wife via email and learned that he had lied to me, and to her. Many of those lies came out. One of them?She had him out the door--he said, if it doesn't work out can I come back? And of course she said no. So he stayed. Not because she made him. And nine months after that he continued to tell me that it was me he loved.
I went through a severe clinical depression, three meds, and have been in many months of counseling. My doctor believes that this person is suffering from NPD and played second degree rapo with me.
Anyway, this finding of lies out was of course not well received by him, and I received the most scathing of emails from him last night. Accusations of being mentally deranged, mean, a monster, a hooker, a snake and a viper, narcissistic, charlatan, a quack, l...that's not even half of what he accused me of. He said I showed fake concern for his wife (when I realized what he had told both of us I saw a very human side to her and felt very bad for her) He twisted around every thing I told his wife and justified everything.
He said in one breath, I was still trying to get over you and confused, of a certain night, and that he found me very desirable that night, of the same night, I had to tell you I loved you more to give you something to hold on to so you would keep quiet and not reveal....because he claimed he was afraid I could not handle it and he was expecting the worst.
We are also involved in an environmental group together, a group that means a lot to me. He does very little work for this group, I am very active.
I feel so torn to leave the forum that I am part of -- many of us spend a lot of time together; and I feel torn about the environmental group.
I do not know how to make this man stay out of my life. I cried so hard when I read all of these accusations. I began to wonder if it was all me....but it's not, I know it isn't....I don't want all of my life to be like this...it has been a year and a half of this pain and it never ends....how do I stop it?

If I could do it all over again, I would walk right past him. I have apologized til I am blue in the face to both him and his wife for my part in all of this. I was most certainly not without blame--no two ways about this. But there is something about this, something that seems so very, very not right to me.

thanks for listening...
fiddlinblues

sonia

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« Reply #1 on: June 21, 2004, 12:34:48 PM »
It seems like your immediate problem is of the stalker variety IMO.

There are many web sites dealing with stalkers. Usually ignoring them completely is best.

Sonia

Anonymous

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« Reply #2 on: June 21, 2004, 07:10:54 PM »
Quote from: sonia
It seems like your immediate problem is of the stalker variety IMO.

There are many web sites dealing with stalkers. Usually ignoring them completely is best.

Sonia


Sonia,
I've been on them. My therapist told me that as well. It's funny, that's what he accused me of, and told me I was paranoid, that it was laughable.  :(
fiddlinblues

cdnwoman

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« Reply #3 on: June 21, 2004, 10:54:54 PM »
I am sorry to hear about what happened to you.  I understand how deeply it hurts when someone you cared for does a 180 degree turn.  I have been in a similar situation myself.  Even though it is a year since our break-up, I am still recovering.

This man is a major player.  I am glad that you and his current partner were able to share information.  Because now you both know how deranged he is.  The only reason this man is calling you every name in the book is because HE KNOWS he has been caught.  HE KNOWS that you can see through him.  To be found out is a very scary thing for him.  So I am not surprised that he is doing the things that he is doing.  Keep reminding yourself that you are not to blame.  Although you played a role in it, you are wiser for it now.  Take care.

juliajayne

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« Reply #4 on: June 22, 2004, 12:53:57 AM »
I won't be popular for asking this...but why date a married guy?

Just wondering.

JJ

fiddlinblues

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« Reply #5 on: June 23, 2004, 01:37:53 PM »
Quote from: juliajayne
I won't be popular for asking this...but why date a married guy?

Just wondering.

JJ


No, I don't take offense. I've never been one to date a married guy, and I can count my sexual experiences on one hand.
We didn't start out as dating. I wasn't looking for someone to date. I just fell really hard for this guy. He was there at a vulnerable time (I was dealing with abuse at home) and he offered what seemed to be his support. It started as friendship, I thought...
He played a game of second degree rapo, in the course of a year the relationship was never consummated, though he frequently told me that it was me he loved.
He told me he felt like he was "finally home" with me. Why? I was vulnerable, he seemed so different, so intelligent, etc....I don't know....
in retrospect, I can see the things that didn't sit quite well with me at the time, the things that were actually big glaring red signals, but I couldn't place why---now I know why.

Renee

fiddlinblues

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« Reply #6 on: June 23, 2004, 01:39:53 PM »
Quote from: cdnwoman
I am sorry to hear about what happened to you.  I understand how deeply it hurts when someone you cared for does a 180 degree turn.  I have been in a similar situation myself.  Even though it is a year since our break-up, I am still recovering.

This man is a major player.  I am glad that you and his current partner were able to share information.  Because now you both know how deranged he is.  The only reason this man is calling you every name in the book is because HE KNOWS he has been caught.  HE KNOWS that you can see through him.  To be found out is a very scary thing for him.  So I am not surprised that he is doing the things that he is doing.  Keep reminding yourself that you are not to blame.  Although you played a role in it, you are wiser for it now.  Take care.


I wish I had recognized the signals at the time. He would make comments that seemed so odd....asking me if I would ever kill myself over a man, commenting that he wished something would happen to his wife....so many different things warned me to get out, and I didn't catch them, or wrote them off.