Hi, I'm a new member trying to learn how to move on with life. How to deal with life.
I've been through two abusive relationships. The second one wound up with a court restraint and 20 wks anger management for my husband. Since the day I left, he has not had a single drink, going on 18 months. He is very, very different than how he used to be.
He's not what is troubling me, though. Our relationship has been slowly rebuilding from the ground up.
During the time I was dealing with the abuse, I fell for a married man. He seemed to be everything--intelligent, sensitive, well-spoken, and our interests and philosophies seemed to be so similar. Our friendship quickly progressed into an emotional relationship, with no physical culmination. He told me many times how much he loved me.
The story gets very long and hairy. But ultimately, he "broke up" with me, (right as we had made plans for our first time "together") said his wife refused to let him go. Said he asked her to "allow" him to leave, that she refused him. So for the next 9 months we saw each other and wrote as "friends" , though inevitably one or the other of us would come up with that "L" word. He always told me that he loved me more than her. One night toward the end of that nine months he even brought wine and we danced etc.(and I believed it....duh....) That's when he told me he loved two women, and I finally woke up and said that wasn't going to happen. I would not be in that relationship if he loved his wife.
When it finally came out to his wife about those 9 months he had continued seeing me, then she started digging years into my past and posting things online on a forum, and showing up places, etc. After 3 months of that I finally blew up and sent many of his past emails to her. It was quiet for several months, then about 1 1/2 months ago he started attacking every post I made online, questioning my sources, insinuating that I was making up "questionable trivia", making fun of me, and baiting me with posts that he knew no one else would catch.
This past week I began talking with his wife via email and learned that he had lied to me, and to her. Many of those lies came out. One of them?She had him out the door--he said, if it doesn't work out can I come back? And of course she said no. So he stayed. Not because she made him. And nine months after that he continued to tell me that it was me he loved.
I went through a severe clinical depression, three meds, and have been in many months of counseling. My doctor believes that this person is suffering from NPD and played second degree rapo with me.
Anyway, this finding of lies out was of course not well received by him, and I received the most scathing of emails from him last night. Accusations of being mentally deranged, mean, a monster, a hooker, a snake and a viper, narcissistic, charlatan, a quack, l...that's not even half of what he accused me of. He said I showed fake concern for his wife (when I realized what he had told both of us I saw a very human side to her and felt very bad for her) He twisted around every thing I told his wife and justified everything.
He said in one breath, I was still trying to get over you and confused, of a certain night, and that he found me very desirable that night, of the same night, I had to tell you I loved you more to give you something to hold on to so you would keep quiet and not reveal....because he claimed he was afraid I could not handle it and he was expecting the worst.
We are also involved in an environmental group together, a group that means a lot to me. He does very little work for this group, I am very active.
I feel so torn to leave the forum that I am part of -- many of us spend a lot of time together; and I feel torn about the environmental group.
I do not know how to make this man stay out of my life. I cried so hard when I read all of these accusations. I began to wonder if it was all me....but it's not, I know it isn't....I don't want all of my life to be like this...it has been a year and a half of this pain and it never ends....how do I stop it?
If I could do it all over again, I would walk right past him. I have apologized til I am blue in the face to both him and his wife for my part in all of this. I was most certainly not without blame--no two ways about this. But there is something about this, something that seems so very, very not right to me.
thanks for listening...
fiddlinblues
