(((((Carolyn)))))
because I don't know how to reach out to the cognitive ones without losing myself
again... and maybe that's just how it is.
I feel lonely around a cognitive friend
love, besee
(((((((((((Besee)))))))))))) exactly, yes. It's a lonely feeling indeed... and just reading this from you gives me so much relief... thank you! See... I'm so conscious that at my current stage of life... I shouldn't necessarily trust my own feelings when they start to emote... lol. I mean, they can go pretty bonkers, at the drop of a hat... and by the patterns, the ebbing and flowing, it must be mainly hormonal. And I shoulda known better than to say that I rarely get angry anymore... famous last words

cuz then, of course, that was tested... but it's okay now, I didn't explode. Just had a very damp and weepy couple days feeling pitiful. Sometimes I think that I would be far more suited for a desert island. And then my hormones shift. ugh. Anyhow, thanks... you are a blessing.
((((((((((((Lise)))))))))))) I have missed you alot and wondered where you were. I've not read the board much past couple days, but saw your name here and rejoiced! So happy to know you were able to take a brief retreat... and very glad to read you again.
You wrote:
Exactly, this one line causes me to reflect on how much I am addicted to safety in my life. I depend on security, emotional, financial extra.
However, I am not as attached as I used to be but the fear is what is under and generating so much of the hurt and rage against the world so to speak. The primal infantile fears of not getting my needs met which could lead me to die. At least for me because so much of this pain and anger that had surfaced this past year was infantile and first three years of life rage and hurt as just the deprivation of genuine love and the pain of what toxic love at the hands of a N parent did to me.
Miss you Carolyn! Love.........Gab.
Lise, I am extremely security-conscious still, in some regards... and here I'd thought I had that beat, you know?! I mean, I've lost so much (materially) over the years... yet the deep yearning for emotional safety is still there. At times, I've felt the need to repent of this, because that fear runs so counter to the faith which generally keeps me afloat. But other times, I don't wanna repent, doggone it... I want to be able to control my own destiny and not have to always be so far out on that old limb... waaaa. Yeah, it's been a rough couple days. I got angry... and upset... and wanted to run away from home. Too old for that nonsense... lol. Anyhow, I'm babbling.... but I hear you, loud and clear... and you're not alone!!
Hope you'll be able to post some more, Lise... your contributions are invaluable.
Love,
Carolyn