The "when push comes to shove, mini-Titanic, narcissistic parent poll"

[Dr. Richard Grossman]

Imagine the following scenario:

You are in a motor boat on the ocean, alone with your narcissistic parent.  You are 8 years old and your parent is 40.   Suddenly, there is an small explosion in the boat.  No one is injured, but it is clear that the boat will sink.  There are no lifejackets, but there is a lifeboat.  Unfortunately, the lifeboat will hold only one person.  (If  2 people try to get in or hold on it will sink).  Therefore, it is obvious that only one person will survive.  What would your parent do?

Best,

Richard

p.s.  Of course comments are welcome!  But please vote before you read people's comments!  Also, please vote before you check the results of the poll!

[Overcomer]

I cannot participate in the poll on my phone but just the thought of this makes me want to cry because my gut is she would take the boat.  She may even drown me to put me out of my misery.

[Gabben]

It was not easy to choose just one option because I kept thinking about my mom and her mood swings.  I could picture my mom doing each option all contingent on her mood on that particular day.

[Iphi]

This is a real poser, because in fact my dad did stay as our parent though our mom was schizophrenic - he could have abandoned us then and justified it.  I've often wondered about that and for many moons it was a justification for me staying in a state of idolization and denial about many other things.   

But based on how things went after my mom was out of the daily picture, I'm pretty sure that my dad would not allow me to get into the lifeboat and would not get into the lifeboat himself either.  We would both go down with the ship and the lifeboat would bob away, empty.

I would have to stay to prove my loyalty.  He would accuse me of betraying him anyway.  It's also possible that he created the conditions for the explosion ahead of time.

[Ami]

I am going to have a strange answer. My M might save me. I see that she loves me, BUT she must always protect her image of herself, at all costs,even to  my destruction, emotionally.However,she just might save me,physically. I like to hope so--(lol)      Ami

[Certain Hope]

I think she'd find a way to split the boat asunder and then take the biggest piece.

Same with my ex... as far as splitting the boat, but he'd convince himself that he could survive by clinging to the smallest piece, because he has magical super-abilities.

Just considering this question made me nauseous 

[Lupita]

My mpther wook me up after surgery, knowing that I was agonizing in pain, after sedation, she wook me up and told me she did not have anybody to talk to. I am talking about coming out of the surgery. She cooked ald bacon and gave it to me, I got sick, and she said she was happy she did not give it to the dog and she would be very sad if the dog got sick. She accused me to flirt with my step father. And many more. So, I thought she would put me in the boat and tell me she was a hero, but after analizing that I do not know if I voted wrong. If she had to choose bewteen my sister and me she would definitely choose my sister.
I am just very upset today.
 

[sunblue]

Dr. Grossman:

LOOOOVED this little poll!  The options are so typical of what an N parent would do.....When submitting my vote, my other thought was that there was absolutely no question, no hesitation that my Nparent would be the one going in the lifeboat.  She wouldn't try to come up with alternate solutions....she wouldn't say she loved me or that I was strong enough to weather this storm...and she certainly wouldn't even consider that it would be best if her 8 year old child was the one saved.....

I think that's what's at the core of an Nfamily...at least in mine.....There is never any question that any and all thoughts should be first and foremost with the Nparent or Nsibling....As the child of an N, even an 8-year-old, you were taught to think only of the Nparent and his/her needs, never your own.  The other comment I had about this scenario was even IF the parent was so self-absorbed that he/she insisted on being the one saved in the lifeboat, there would be no words of comfort, love, caring, angst, guilt or anything else that would help the child through the terrible scenario.  Without hesitation or a single twinge of guilt, the Nparent does what is best for him/her, never the other person, even if that person is their own child.

But great poll.....I'll be curious to see how the results break out....

[Hopalong]

I said Mom would take the boat with the practical justification that I wouldn't have been able to row.

What does it mean, Richard?

Hops

[flowerpower]

I didn't vote because none of the answers fit my mother. I believe she would leave me and get in the boat herself while telling me (and herself), despite all obvious evidence to the contrary, that she would go and bring help back for me. Then she would rewrite history and tell others how I drowned while she was trying to save me.

[finding peace]

My father might tell me I was a disappointment (he has in the past), but I think he would have been more likely to tell me that it is more important that he survives – that in the bigger picture his life is more important to the world than mine.  Capped with a “You do understand don’t you?”  But close enough.

My mother – none of the above.  She would panic and look to me to fix the situation for her.   At age 8, I would have put her in the boat and told her I loved her.  She would row to shore, tell everyone that she tried everything she could to save me but it was hopeless and that I died in the explosion.  She would then convince herself that this was the truth.  If I washed ashore on some flotsam and told the truth, she would have told everyone that I must be confused because of the <<<in a hushed tone>>> trauma………

Peace

[Overcomer]

I change my reply to the exact same as flower power.  That is a more accurate explanation of my mom.

[SilverLining]

It's hard for me to decide.  I guess I'm lucky I never had to face any life threatening situations with either of my parents.  I suspect my father would be far less rational than any of the choices.  He would be freaked out at the prospect of death and wouldn't do much of anything.  I sure can't imagine him doing anything heroic.   Maybe he'd say "you're young and strong, you can swim"  while taking the boat for himself.  Or he'd decide he has to save himself for the sake of the other offspring.   So I voted choice 3, which seems to be rationalizing saving himself. 


It's an interesting exercise, because it makes me realize how hard it is to imagine either of my parents doing something really altruistic. 

[papillon]

Well I just changed my vote from option 3 to option 4. I'm thinking both would probably happen - therfore I'm selecting 3 based on my logic that because I've mostly likely drowned I'd only have heard what was said to me. I wouldn't know what excuse the parent made to others later. Sounds about right.

Papillon

[jordanspeeps]

Hiya,

I chose the C option, however I agree with Gabben, that it most certainly depends on my mother's mood during the crisis.  If there was some predisposing factor, like say, I clumsily tripped over the whatchamicallit that triggered the boat's sudden misfortune, yeah then the knee-jerk reaction may be to panic and drop the whole "parents are supposed to do the right thing" facade..  Or maybe in the throes of her world-class paranoia, she would believe I was finally taking my opportunity to "off her" and she would quickly move to one of the more sinister options like D or E.  My father would most definitely attempt to do the rowing with me in the boat, but mostly because he wouldn't trust me to be able to save us.  I think the C option would be the most characteristic option of a narcissistic parent because, these personality types tend to want to cover up their real intentions.  Say, by some twist of fate, the child left to die were to survive, the very appearance of such brutal inpropriety to the outside world would destroy the N's facade of having superior morals, regardless of their true selfish intentions .  Taking the "highest road possible" while still maintaining self-preservation is going to be the N's best option in any scenario in my opinion.

Tiffany