Passive aggressive partners

[flowerpower]

I would be interested in descriptions of any experiences others might have in a relationship with someone who is passive aggressive.

[Ami]

Dear Flower,
 I can't think of any right ,now, but I will try to think during the day.       Love   Ami

[debkor]

Oh let me think here I'm sure I have had many.

Hmmm.

Two adults in household and shared responsibilities both working and child.

Ask for more help. Repeat please can you do the dishes and straighten up before I get home. Oh yes I sure will.

Dish in sink, toys all over.  You take over

Ask again
Dish in sink, toys all over. You take over. Oh you know I will, sure will.

Again and
Again

Dishes  half done, toys all over.  You finish the dishes, re do them, and clean toys

Constantly, yes, yes, yes'd to death but the opposite of what was yes'd. 

excuses all the time. I couldn't I was taking care of the baby.  The dog made me not do them.  I don't feel good. I am tired from working. Why should I you just re do them anyway. Your friends kept calling and I had to answer the phone.   

Then when you finally get NUTS and explode they say something like, Are you Pmsing, did someone at work make you, and something as stupid even as the dog must have made you mad.  Nothing I do is ever good enough.  I work hard.  Then you feel guilty and (Yes) I have said I was sorry. They got away with it because I just come home to doing it all myself and feeling like I was the only adult in the household.

Love
Deb

[Gaining Strength]

I have had so many.  My mother is extraordinarily passive aggressive.  Both of my husband's were passive aggressive. 

When I read your thread name I suddenly realized that Passive Aggressive behavior is no longer a struggle for me.  For years it put me under.  Now I am free.  I just move on and don't get into relationships (friendships) with PA people.

My husband would agree to do something and then not do it and if I brought it up he would rail at me and go into a harangue about how a man needs his wife to respect him and how I did not respect him.  Suddenly, his broken promise was all about me. 

Once we had been out of town and we had asked his grown, disfunctional son to pick up the mail and newspapers.  As we were driving down the road approaching the house he began to hyperventilate and then as soon as he saw the papers strewn across the drive he began railing at me for taking things out on his son.  (This actually was a transference rather than PA. But the feelings evoked are very similar to me.)

[Gaining Strength]

I have been able to stay in the relationship all these years by accepting this and being very alone.

I understand this.  In my first marriage, I found myself more alone that when I was alone.  For me, being alone in a marriage was one of the loneliest experiences ever.

[dandylife]

flowerpower,
this is my experience just yesterday.

Our washing machine ended up leaking water all over the laundry room floor. Did it once, and I thought - fluke? I'll do another load and watch it and see what I can figure out. Did it again.

He happened to be around when it leaked the second time. He stomps over and starts cleaning up, muttering to himself things like, "I hate cleaning up other people's messes. This is why I take care of MY things so I don't have to sit and do stuff like this. Someone somewhere is going to have to start treating things RIGHT around here. I can't believe it always comes down to me having to do this." On and on and on muttering under his breath, but he keeps on because I am standing 4 feet away mopping up water and he knows I can hear.

But, he won't look me in the face and say any of this. "I think you messed it up." "I think you put too big of a load in." Or whatever. Directly. To. Me.

he just mutters "to himself" so he doesn't have to have the courage to say something directly to me.

Well, after the service person came, and said there is nothing wrong with the washer. I didn't do anything to it! Surprise! It was a slow drain backing up.

And of course, he never apologized for what he "muttered" because he never "said" anything to me. So he gets away with it.

Although, I did get right in HIS face and said "I am paying for any repairs or replacements myself - then it will be MY machine and how I treat it will be MY business. I won't have to listen to any guilt statements."

And I paid the $65 bill.

Dandylife

[dandylife]

Kimberli63,
Thank you for this! Very thorough and helpful.

I'd have to say that my partner falls under "Fear of Dependency", "Fear of Intimacy", "Fear of Competition", "Feeling Victimized", and "Sulking".

Those are perfect descriptions of what it is like.

I do think that the only antidote to these things is confrontation.

I'm doing my best to be more diplomatic in my confrontations. He can make them blow back at me. More mutterings of, "I always get YELLED at." or some such nonsense.

The sulking is very tiresome. I now become productive or just read a good book when it's happening.

Thank you again for sharing this info. Illumination is good.

Dandylife

[dandylife]

Flowerpower,

I can tell you are frustrated. The loneliness is hard to bear.

Do you know much about his growing up - beyond what you said, "his parents are one big narcissistc unit". If you know this about him, you can extrapolate out certain things. Such as:

1) He was objectified and used as necessary as a pawn between his 2 parents.

2) He was demeaned and minimized. He subjugated his own needs to his parents'.

3) He has a hole where "loving parent" should fit in his life.

4) He his angry about a lot of things - it's safe for him to be angry about politics and the like. It feels good for him to be able to express anger this way.

5) He is probably dissociated since his childhood was so tough.

There is a really good book by Tara Goleman, I believe, called Emotional Alchemy: How the Mind Can Heal the Heart. This books talks about all the deeply entrenched emotional patterns in place since childhood, and how to heal them.

If YOU read the book, you can become more aware of what he is experiencing internally - and get him the help he needs.

He could live a more fulfilled life and be more loving towards you if he can burst through those blockages.

Good luck on your journey.

Dandylife

[towrite]

Everything Kim posted describes my NF to a 'T'. I thank God every day he's dead b/c he was so-o-o toxic.

[Gaining Strength]

I won't miss my NF.  I mourned his "death" or loss years ago.