dealing with dissociation

[James]

I have been disociated for most of my life. It took the form of De-realization, it's when the mind makes everything look unreal and you feel very numb. It in itself has been very difficult to live with because it seems to short circuit everyday reality in a way that's hard for me to explain. There is no one in my 3D life who has a clue what i'm talking abt with the exception of my therapist.Most people just feel like i am sorta nuts when i tell them. The last yr in therapy i have experienced it starting to subside a little, but it's still strong. recently when i shared my sexual abuse here it really started to breakdown and even though this is what i want the memories and feelings of my childhood came pouring in,  When this occured i felt overwhelmed from it all and eventually found myself dissociated again. It's frustrating to say the least.  Has anyone ever experienced this? My therapist tells me i can control it to where there is a comfortable amt of imput coming in. She just told me this and i am only starting to think of how to do it. If there is anyone who has gone thru this i would like to hear your story. I think it's possible that hearing how "it happens" might reduce my anxiety.  Thanks  James

[darren]

 I have my share of quirks about myself that tend to make people think I'm a bit crazy when I share them.  Thats never a nice response, and its always VERY hard to find those kinds of people who can accept you and understand what it is you are going through.  I don't think I've ever had a derealization moment, but there was a time that makes think I might know what its like.  It was after I found out my ex wasn't who I thought she'd been the past few years, and my life wasn't exactly what I'd thought it'd been.  In reality, real life all turned into something completely different from what my reality had been based on.  It was a big shock to my system, and a very unreal moment.  I suppose that moment had some actual triggers that caused it, but its not something I wanna go through again.  I imagine it would be tough to have those kind of moments coming out of nowhere.  For a while there, though, I didn't know what was real anymore, or even what I should think about it.  I bet there are forums out there for just such a thing.  Its always helped me to find people who could understand. 

[Ami]

Dear James,
 I have not been in therapy for a long time, so I have not been " diagnosed"  with anything. However, I think I had dissociation. I can relate to what you are describing.
 When Scott died, I went in to shock. What was "interesting" about it was I realized that I had gone in to shock, at a lesser level , at age 14, when my F told me my NPD mother was "fine".
 What happened to me when the police told me about Scott was a repeat of what happened at 14. I did not know that I went in to shock at 14,until I did with Scott.
 So, I think that I have BEEN in shock since age 14.
  After that I always felt numb. Prior to that,I was not numb.
 I stayed numb from 14 on. I felt dissociated from reality.
 After my children could drive and  I did not have to take them places , I gave up, at a deeper level. I had no idea HOW not to be numb, so I just gave up.
 I knew my thinking was not right ,but didn't trust therapists and nothing I tried , such as support groups , helped.
 I started feeling like I had my M with me all the time, in a strange way. I "knew" she wasn't, but I felt like her "presence" was with me and I felt a sense of comfort and also, "unreality". 
 I don't know what that was,but I "knew" I was not 'present" in reality,but removed.
 I think that what you have ,James, in 'my own" terms ,is "shock" from your life , which was too much for a child to handle. As you face the truth, I think the shock will go.
 For me, the more "scientific' the name is, the more scary it is.This is JUST my opinion. I am not a working professional and cannot diagnose, but I like to think in simpler terms , for  myself.
 I think you have been in shock , like I was with Scott ,b/c there is just so much a body and mind can take before they 'go numb"
 That is my opinion, based on my own experience. I could be wrong,of course. Compost what does not fit, dear friend.   
                                  Love   Ami

[James]

Darren.....what you experienced is a taste of what i live with. Mine is constant and rarely goes away. It seems like i'm looking thru thick glass. I have found several online groups that deal specifically with this but i have not joined. i found out it is caused by severe anxiety and when a person focuses attention on it the anxiety builds and it just gets stronger. i will have to reduce the underlying anxiety a lot more before it will leave. The worst part of this is it distorts everything in an emotional way. Sometimes i cannot follow what people are saying and get things confused especially when it is of emotional origin. I wish this would go away. I think my life would be so much easier................James                     Ami.......the shock you experienced with Scott may have been similar to this at least for awhile. I read there are two kinds. The one i have makes everything unreal and the other makes you feel unreal on the inside. I don't know which you experienced but it sounds similar. this happened in one day years ago . I had a terrible pressure in my forhead and then something happened where i saw double and triple of everything. This vision abnormality lasted for maybe 5 yrs. Its better now but still a long way to go. After talking abt the sexual abuse it tried to vanish altogether and then i saw how much trauma it was protecting me from. I just keep hoping i can let the steam off gradually and make this go away without so much all at once. It's weird when it goes i feel lkike i have woken up from a coma. very strange feeling..................james

[Ami]

Dear James,
 That is interesting about the two kinds of "unreality". I have had both. With Scott, everything on the outside was unreal. I was standing next to his casket and NOTHING was real, not the casket, death, the funeral, all the people. It was SO not real that I could have said,"What are you all here for?"
 The other unreality I had when I went in to shock at 14. I was not real, on the inside. I have had  this until,now , when I am only  coming out of it.
 James, for me, the Bible verse ,"You shall know the truth and the truth will MAKE you free is the answer, even if you do not believe in the Bible. I think that whatever type of dissociation you have, whatever the name, love and truth will heal it---period(IMO)
 I would just keep facing the truth and telling the truth, just as you did on the sexual abuse thread. You really started to heal after that, so you could see how it worked. That is how I see it, anyway.
  I think the ingredients for healing are s/what simple---love and truth.               Love   Ami

(((((((James))))))))))

[Gaining Strength]

James when you wrote that the dissociation comes from severe anxiety I decided to share with you a book that has helped me tremendously.  The book is "The Mind, The Brain" by Jeffrey M Schwartz, MD.  Schwartz's specialty is OCD which is also an anxiety disorder. 

In this book, Schwartz describes a four step method for "observing" your own brain disfunction, labelling it as a brain disfunction, identifying the correct thought pattern and encouraging the new thought. 

Here's a website with a description: http://www.curledup.com/mindbrai.htm

I have found this very, very helpful.  Maybe something in it will speak to you.

[James]

thanks GS i will take a look at it. I really feel like things would be so much easier if it would just go away..........James

[James]

Ami............my therapist said not long ago she thought the dissociation would leave when i could see who my parents really are and i am assuming also the reality of the abuse. This is finding the truth for me and i have experienced the freedom this brings at times. Its the only way..........James

[Ami]

Yes, James.  I think it is  facing truth as the therapist said, that will heal. However, it is very,very painful. I think that you are VERY strong  to face all the pain that you have ,already. That is real strength. Most people could never have done as much as you, ALREADY , have, James.
  Don't think you are "whining" etc. That is just 'garbage". It takes REAL  strength to face what your childhood  was like.
  I appaud and admire you for it, James, very much.     Love   Ami

[James]

Ami ,thank you for being here for me...........Love James

[Ami]

James
 It is MY honor to be there for you!
I had an experience last night that I wanted to share. It was "new' to me .   Many  people have called expressing their feelings"whining".
 Last night, I healed   a deep emotional  issue.. I saw that I "wanted " to stay sick and fearful b/c it made me feel close to my M and not "alone". It was  a way of not facing my "aloneness" in the world.
  I was not being  'baby'b/c I had these issues. I had emotional and mental "illness"as a result of my NM. It was not my fault. It was NOT about whining . It was a legitimate "response " to having an NM and trying to cope with ALL that entailed. I got emotionally and mentally ill(as I call it)
 When I went in to shock,  from Scott's death, that was NOT being a "baby" or "whining". My body and mind had  defense mechanisms that allowed me to survive without facing reality.
THAT is how and why we have these screwed up patterns, James. It is not a "baby" or a  non baby" thing. It is not a good or bad . Our emotional and mental problems are  legitimate defense mechanisms  which HAD to kick in  b/c of our N parents and the way they treated us.
 It is nothing to be ashamed of. I started to kick myself for being a baby,but then I realized  this .My mental and emotional illness was as "real", legitimate and involuntary  as my shock at hearing of Scott's death.
 I hope this helps, James. It helped me very much.     Love   Ami

[James]

Ami......I don't think being emotional ill is in any way a bad thing . Mostly i think it comes from how people are raised and the defense mechanisms we develop are a cause of much pain as adults. Your breakthru sounds very exciting. It appears you are coming to terms with early abandonment issues, is this correct? I would like to hear more about this if you care to share.........Hugs James--

[Ami]

Dear James,
 This is what happened. I have been healing ,from board events and the help of friends.. Last week, I felt a sense of God's presence. I felt a sense that I could "trust", that He would show me the way in my life. I did not have to struggle with "What should I do about this or that?' God would lead me in the way I should go and I could relax.
 I felt it down deep, not in my head.
 So, b/c of this ,I was able to see a long held pattern. The pattern was that I wanted to be sick and afraid b/c it made me feel close to my M. I felt, emotionally, that my M would come and take care of me if I was sick and fearful. I felt it, emotionally, even though I "knew" it was not "true", if you know what I mean.
 It was a "pattern" that did not make  logical sense, but emotional "sense".
  I 'saw" that I was keeping these patterns b/c I was afraid to be "alone".
 I was able to see that these patterns were NOT keeping me company or "safe",but were hurting me very badly.
 It was an emotional breakthrough b/c it was a deep kind of insight. I have had superficial insight many times ,on this, but not deep insight.'
 That was my breakthrough. Thank you for asking,friend.      Love   Ami

[darren]

Darren.....what you experienced is a taste of what i live with. Mine is constant and rarely goes away. It seems like i'm looking thru thick glass. I have found several online groups that deal specifically with this but i have not joined. i found out it is caused by severe anxiety and when a person focuses attention on it the anxiety builds and it just gets stronger. i will have to reduce the underlying anxiety a lot more before it will leave. The worst part of this is it distorts everything in an emotional way. Sometimes i cannot follow what people are saying and get things confused especially when it is of emotional origin. I wish this would go away. I think my life would be so much easier................James                     Ami.......the shock you experienced with Scott may have been similar to this at least for awhile. I read there are two kinds. The one i have makes everything unreal and the other makes you feel unreal on the inside. I don't know which you experienced but it sounds similar. this happened in one day years ago . I had a terrible pressure in my forhead and then something happened where i saw double and triple of everything. This vision abnormality lasted for maybe 5 yrs. Its better now but still a long way to go. After talking abt the sexual abuse it tried to vanish altogether and then i saw how much trauma it was protecting me from. I just keep hoping i can let the steam off gradually and make this go away without so much all at once. It's weird when it goes i feel lkike i have woken up from a coma. very strange feeling..................james

Yah, it was most definitely related to a panic attack type situation.  It was the first time I ever felt like I was loosing my mind and thought I might go crazy.  I'm sorry you go through it often.  I find I have all sorts of defenses myself that seem to protect me from feeling any emotional trauma.  I think as a child it was a good thing but as an adult I'd like to find a way to not need them anymore, but its really tough.  I feel like I woke up from a coma myself a year or so ago.  I think I might have been in a deep emotional sleep for most of my life.  I'm a bright guy, but I seem to lack emotional intelligence.  I'm not able to recognize my own emotions or what I'm feeling most of the time. 

[Ami]

Dear Darren,
  A big key for me is to accept my  emotions , as human , not "bad".
 The worst thing my NM did was to make me think my human traits were "bad. My healing is a direct result of seeing they are human.
                                                                                    Love,  Ami