LilyCat posted a reference to an article on "Entitlement" or more precisely, Lack of Entitlement to Our Feelings. I read a portion of it and was hit hard by the profound points made. It as taken me several days and several sittings to read the short article. It really elucidated significant points and answered questions that I have agonized over for years.
The article is:
http://bapfelbaumphd.com/Entitlement_to_Feelings.html Here are some substantive sections.
THE NEED TO NOT UNDERSTAND (just past half-way)
What you find in those who want to act but find themselves unable to want to is that something is missing. It is an absence of inner congratulation, of an inner feeling of reward—something that, when it is present, functions smoothly and without notice. It should be familiar to students of object relations that when we are motivated to do something, it is to be approved of by an internal object, and the more we get this inner approval, the more independent we are of external approval. There are all kinds of other reasons people carry out willed actions, but when they can’t, a good place to look is at what is happening in the person’s relationship to internal objects.
the husband who berates his wife for not having dinner ready when he gets home, or the wife who berates her husband for getting home late without calling her and so dinner is burnt or cold. We simply condemn the complainer, which usually makes it impossible to see that their complaints are a symptom of low or depressive expectations—that is of not feeling entitled to their feelings, the consquence being that they have reduced the expression of their wishes—and probably their awareness of them as well—to these tokens.
LAURA’S CASE (near the end)
We need an example of how feeling unentitled to an experience keeps it from our conscious awareness, then affecting us indirectly.Then our ability to empathize and hence to understand is limited but we don’t know it. This is not a refusal to understand. What happens is that we develop a pseudo-understanding that is unwittingly condemnatory.
AN AUDIBLE CLICK
I was proud of myself for being able to use identification to kind of make sense of a situation. I had lunch with Mona and she was kinda getting on my nerves, as she often does. I expressed an opinion and she went on and on about how that opinion couldn’t possibly—. She went on and on so much that I had this impulse to scream at her. I mean, "Don’t I get to have an opinion?" —you know. I felt I kind of—. [Here he seems free to be disgusted with her, contemptuous. Then:] Of course screaming at her wouldn’t produce much. Then I thought about how—I began to think about how—the vulnerability in her that requires her to eradicate any opinion that differs from her take. She just went on and on about how her opinion had to be the right one. And so as soon as I thought about her vulnerability, it was almost as if an audible click happened. It was like suddenly the whole situation came into focus and I could sit there and listen to her and kind of see this vulnerable girl just not in touch with her vulnerability at all, and just going on and on, from this way and that. But I could have compassion for her, and I began to enjoy the interaction. Really listen and nod and be able to really take in what she was saying. It was just really almost fun because I knew she had no insight into why—and this is a repeated thing where she just has to have the last word. And I could tell she felt identified with.
I*****
I
really want to discuss this article with someone. I so hope it will catch someone's attention who is willing to read it and talk about it.
