Counceling

[Berri]

Has anyone had any sucsess in finding counseling as a couple when one of you may be narcissistic?

How did you get a counselor to see the narcissism in your partener and deal with it vs. treat you as the one who was co-dependant and therefore had no ability to be objective about the other's behavior? He snows everyone who takes him at face value even the councelor we saw for 2 years. How do I find real help?

[Anonymous]

Berri,

I've had some success. We got referrals from my individual therapist and I kept bugging him until he got us the best one. He initially referred us to two lame people who we both rejected. Then I told my therp. specifically what I wanted and he immediately knew the right person.

I told him I wanted someone who was knowledgeable in object relations theory - who would see projections - and who wouldn't be fooled by my H's maneuverings in therapy. The therapist we saw was really sharp! She didn't let me or him get away with anything. The problem was, he refused to keep going to the therapist because he was being confronted (albeit diplomatically) and it was too uncomfortable.

So we have stopped going - but my H is behaving much better! So I think the therapist had a good effect.

It also depends on how narcissistic your husband is. Some people can't be influenced at all.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Hi Berri,

Welcome to the board.  Well, from all my reading and from other threads here on the board, it is very very difficult for therapy to make a difference with an N.  I think it is a minor miracle you have your N in couples therapy with you.  

The reason for saying that is because of the built-in Catch-22 of Nness.  Narcissists must undermine ANY threat to the illusion of perfection.  You can't even reach them with the promise of improving on a "good" thing, because they believe they are already perfect.  

In addition to what others posted on your codependency question, I believe another characteristic of C is focusing all one's energy on getting another to change their behavior.  Another approach for you to consider is to get individual therapy to help you cope with your partner's narcissism, to help you discover the hooks inside yourself that get caught up in any problematic behavior.  Another idea that others here have tried is to schedule individual appts or phone calls with the T to see what their read really is on their partner and on the relationship.  Some Ts recognize the narcissism and do not confront the N with it directly.  If they did, that would be the end of therapy and they are hoping to work towards it gradually.  

Only one author espouses hitting the (usually male) N directly between the eyes: Terrence Real.  You may want to look into two books by him.  I Don't Want to Talk About It (about male depression and includes a chapter on N) and How Can I Get Through To You?

Good luck to you.  Seeker

[Anonymous]

I have read that it is a good idea call and sort of interview your marriage counselor on the phone.  Ask about their experience with narcissistic tendancies.  Would it be fair to tell them about your partner's tendency to allude therapists?

I didn't catch if your partner is a man or a woman.  But some narcissistic men have so little respect for women (even if it is covertly so) that they will not be influenced by a female therapist.  

 H and I have been through a few, and we have not found an effective one yet either. Twice, I have been in the position of being manipulated by the therapist.  In the sense that the therapist sees my husband as rational and me as over-reacting/unreasonable... etc.  N is just so darn charming!
Best of luck to you!

[freetobeme]

Well, I tried for years to get him to counseling with me.  He kept saying that he would be delighted to go and tell the counselor what was wrong with me if I thought it would help, but he had nothing wrong with him at all!  

I ended up going by myself. Took three tries to find the right "fit" with a counselor, but I am delighted I did.

I finally realized the problem with myself, fixed it, looked at that N I was married to and left one night while he was raging.  

Best thing I have ever done!