Author Topic: Outing the Narcissistic/Emotionally incesting Parent  (Read 17232 times)

Life is Precious

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Re: Outing the Narcissistic/Emotionally incesting Parent
« Reply #15 on: August 18, 2007, 12:59:10 AM »
Hi everyone,

I'm so glad I found this site. I would have liked to have had this kind of community a long time ago.

I have knwon for several months now that my so-called parents must have been Narcissistic. They were certainly pathologically abusive. I am posting my story here in order to see if it helps me to get some positive feedback from other individuals who have had similar pasts, as well as the courage to face their pasts and the integrity/strength of character to get beyond narcissistic abuse from parents.

Please pardon me for the length of this posting, but I would like to share my childhood history. I would like to receive feedback from anyone who would care to send me any encouragement in my journey.

"N.parents" for me, stands for Narcissistic-Parents and also Non-Parents, because the N.Parent cannot really 'parent' anyone. They can only conscript the yung child's life and resources in the service of their own ego and personal drama. So, they are the least qualified psychologically to be good caregivers.

In my particular case, the N.Parents were very well educated and upper-middle class. They demanded absolute loyalty and a kind of adoration from my older brother, myself and my younger sister. When we were children, they frequently "spoiled" us with material gifts and would tell us how unworthy we were to have them as parents. How they were the 'best parents' anyone could have. They were constantly telling us how they had financially difficult childhoods and how they were sparing us all that misery. And how ungrateful we were for all that.

I used to tell them that it was not MY responsibility that they suffered. I used to tell them: "Is that why you are trying to make us unhappy too?" They hated me for talking back to them. As I grew older, it becmame more and more difficult to live with them and even have a decent conversation with them. My borther used to go around chanting "You are the best paretns in the world".  He was so fearful of them.

When I was 13, I had a full scholarship to an international school (I come from an Asian country - I will leave out details here). The N.Parents were seriously upset by this. I think they realized that I was growing up and living my own life, bit by bit and. This made them feel like I was losing my childhood dependence on them. They took this as a serious attack, aimed deliberately at them. In their warped view, this must have looked like abject ingratitude in the first degree. They were both medical doctors so they were used to everyone kow towing to them.  But, it was not in my character to just give up and become their slave.

The result of this was that they told me I must be mentally derranged. That children who are mentally well do not behave like I did. My siblings and I were by now living in an extremely anxious environment. The N.Parents were extremely unhappy in their marriage. My N.Mother used to complain to my aunt about how her N.Husband never paid any attention to her. They took out their personal fruistrations on us. We became their  scapegoats. They would tell us how life would have been perfect without us. How we were useless, worthless children.


In an effort to control me, when I was 13 , my own N.Parents declared me mentally ill. In the third world country where I was born, children have very few rights. Parents who are doctors often prescribe medicines to their own families and no one bats an eyelid. If a parent gives you enough to eat, they cannot be considered bad parents. It is unthinkable to an Asian mind that paretnal abuse could even occur. So, I was very, very much alone in this situation. From the ages of 13-18, the N-Parents subjected me to psychiatric abuse. They formed me to take psychotropic medications, forced me to see a friend of theirs' who was a psychiatrist, threatened to incarcerate me in this frightening mental institution etc. They got a psychiatrist friend of theirs to give me shock treatment. This happened several times. I was emotionally and socially degraded and reviled for 5 years. During those years, I suffered tremdous stress; developed obsessive complusive disoreder (I was always washing my hands, trying to 'clean' myself up from the horrors of each day); I put on 30 Lbs. of extra wiehgt and chronic eczema, which covered my body like a rash of burn sores.

No one helped me at all. My brother and my sister, no doubt afraid for their own survival, became the N.Parents' best helpers and fans. I think that these N.Parents had no fear of retribution or consequences, so we were in very real danger. I think this is typical of third word countries, where children have very few right at all. NO ONE listens to children who complain of abuse by parents becuase in that culture, it is take for granted that parents are like gods and that they can do no wrong, especially if they are socially and professionally high achieving.

I know now, looking back, that they were also emotionally incestuous. Back then, I had no idea that such a concept even existed, I simply knew that I hated them and and their attitude. My N.Mother viewed my growing up as a serious threat. There was one time when she hid my teenage bras and refused to let me have them. I had to complain to my N.Father until he got very angry with her and told her to give me back my  bras. Can you believe this? When I think back, I reject her for this disgraceful abuse of a young daughter.

In the meantime, they were constantly degrading each other. He was never interested in being her friend or acting like a couple. In this world view, everyone was against him and beneath him, including the N.Mother. He would tell her how she was an inferior doctor and that she was jealous of other women. I think she felt really worthless both intellectually and personally, because in return, she did everything she could to try and get his approval, including throw us into the fire of his anger, just to show him how far she would go to be a great team with him. There was one incident where she took my underwear from the laundry and showed it to him pretending that she had a 'medical concern"! I was absolutely MORTIFIED. That was when I realized that I did not have parents. I was living with emotional Nazis and I had to bide my time until I could legally get away from them.

I honestly cannot think of worst people than these, except for perhaps the mass murderers who occupy the history books. Ironically, I think my N.Father's particular selfish brand of Narcissism is probably why they did not gang up on us to hit us or pyshically/sexually abuse us. Even when they were cruel to us, he was clear that she too was beneath him in the final analysis.  In retrospect, I wonder whether she was really trying to use us as bait in order to have some kind of relationship with him, even if it meant creating the "shared enemy" out of her own kids. I think his self-absorbed N. would not give her the satisfaction of thinking that he was her ally or her equal in anything, including their abuse of us.

When I look back on all this, I think they felt like they were 'acknowledged' when they were cruel. They relished it when all their friends would tell them what a shame it was that their talented daughter was mentally ill. How much they had done for me and how incurable  my 'illness' was. They were the martyrs, and I was the evil child. They were satisfied when it was clear to them how much suffering they had unleashed on me. I think this is another reason that they did not actually physically abuse us. I do not think it was because they had any concept of respect for us or for our lives but rather because they had pretty much spent their anger on psychiatric cruelty.


It was a family from hell. Now, when I look back, I cannot imagine how on earth I came through that except that God Must Be Real.

My freedom from them came suddenly, when at 18, the N.Parents shipped me off to school in England, where my N.Father tried to collaborate with his elder sister, also a doctor in England, to send me to a spychiatrist and get me on medications. Well, guess what? In England, it is not possible to put someone on medication just because you are a petty-dictator in a back in your third world country. The doctor that I saw flatly refused to give me any medications. In fact, he said he was astonished that I had pulled through all that hell. Because my N.Parents were never British Citizens, British law against child abuse cannot affect my Asian N.Parents.

This was almost 20 years ago that I made my great escape, away from N.Parents who degraded me for 5 long years, subjected me to systematic abuse and used their education and social influence to destroy my crediibility and to disable me psychologically and socially - why? Because I DARED to speak up for myself and be an individual. Because I refused to be a clone of their egos.

I have not seen the N.Family for over 10 years and I will not pressure myself to even look at them again. I am glad to give myself that much. I moved to the USA some years ago and I'm doing fine. I've had many confrontation with them in the pasdt and told them exactly what I think of them and now, I just don't want to feel strong negative emotion any more because it can be damaging. And I don't want that for myself.

These days, I often have moments of terrible anguish, the most horrible pain and emotional suffering when I remember that time of torture. I want to stop suffering when I remember things. I hug myself and I tell myself that I did great. I want myself to heal and have fewer moments of anxiety, stress and emotional suffering. There were times in the past when I had major stress episodes, pushed away people who loved me, had serious anger and rage. Time helps to heal eveyrthing . I do know that if you honestly want to let go of the past and disable its power to harm you, then you can do just that. I see a therapist and am considering group therapy, because I think it would be great to share with other people who understand suffering and the task of moving on.

I think my survival and my life are a MIRACLE. I can't take credit for that, because I honestly don't know how anyone can go through all that, but I am just immensely grateful that I am in one piece and that I am still standing. AND that I am not on drugs, or getting into abusive relationships of just destryoing my life. I owe my survival to God and this innate ability I have been given to keep my sense of self, even when my N.Parents were threatening my life. I absolutely believe that God can heal me and give me freedom beyond my highest expectations.


Life Is Precious. And I will NOT let the N.Parents  steal my life or the JOY of my life from me.

So, that's my experience. Thank you all for listening to me. I know this is a lot to tell/share, but I hope that talking to you online will be another positive step in the direction of healing and restoration.


dandylife

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Re: Outing the Narcissistic/Emotionally incesting Parent
« Reply #16 on: August 18, 2007, 01:06:09 AM »
Life is Precious, you wrote, "These days, I often have moments of terrible anguish, the most horrible pain and emotional suffering when I remember that time of torture. I want to stop suffering when I remember things. I hug myself and I tell myself that I did great. I want myself to heal and have fewer moments of anxiety, stress and emotional suffering. There were times in the past when I had major stress episodes, pushed away people who loved me, had serious anger and rage. Time helps to heal eveyrthing ."

Glad you could share here and that you felt safe enough to post. I hope that life has brought you joys to feel to counter that anguish.

Hugs,
Dandylife
"All things not at peace will cry out." Han Yun

"He who angers you conquers you." - Elizabeth Kenny

JanetLG

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Re: Outing the Narcissistic/Emotionally incesting Parent
« Reply #17 on: August 18, 2007, 05:13:19 AM »
Life is Precious,

What you've been through sounds appalling. :shock:

You are very strong to have survived that.

You're obviously very intelligent, and have worked out/through a lot already.

The realeasing the anger and hurt, and getting to a stage of acceptance is the rtricky part, IMO, but keep posting here and you can get a lot further forward.

Your family were awful to you, and you didn't deserve that.

I'm so sorry.


Janet

Hopalong

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Re: Outing the Narcissistic/Emotionally incesting Parent
« Reply #18 on: August 18, 2007, 02:42:29 PM »
Hi Enough...

Just checking in with you on Saturday afternoon. Is everything peaceful?
Any response to the letters?

I hope you take comfort in having spoken your truth and now that it's done,
you've released a lot of the past by describing it openly.

It's almost like "giving it to time" -- when you tell the truth of childhood.

Let us know how you are when you can.

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

enough

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Re: Outing the Narcissistic/Emotionally incesting Parent
« Reply #19 on: August 18, 2007, 02:58:24 PM »
hi hops,
thanks for checking in.
mom called last night, at 11 pm...they go to bed religiously at 9:00 so i didn't answer; i knew she would be drunk. (on a regular night, she gets drunk between 7-9 pm.  EVERY night. so i knew that if she had been drinking from 7-11, i definately didn't want to talk to her !)

i have not heard anything since, but i am really on edge this weekend!!!!!!!!!!!

thanks again...i'll keep you updated!
peace,
enough

enough

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Re: Outing the Narcissistic/Emotionally incesting Parent
« Reply #20 on: August 18, 2007, 03:06:09 PM »
oh! so she got the answering machine and didn't leave a message. thank goodness for caller I.D.

enough

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Re: Outing the Narcissistic/Emotionally incesting Parent
« Reply #21 on: September 28, 2007, 03:56:03 PM »
wow, an update:

my brother emailed and said that i NEED to call my parents and "make peace".

my mom emailed and finally responded to my letters.

she said that by bringing up the past, i was acting like a teenager who didn't get her own way.  she told me to grow up.

in response to my telling my parents that it isn't just past stuff; that it is all still happening to this day, she told me that i need to 'get help'.

she gave me the old, "raising 3 kids is hard!  your father worked and worked for you!  i bet you know a lot of people whose parents disowned them because they are gay" (i'm bisexual)...."we didn't disown you!  grow up!"

UGH.


JanetLG

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Re: Outing the Narcissistic/Emotionally incesting Parent
« Reply #22 on: September 28, 2007, 05:08:27 PM »
Enough,

Thanks for the update.

Unfortunately, what has happened is not unusual at all. An 'obediant relative' is often sent with a message to get the 'bad one' to 'change back'.

This idea that you are being childish, etc, is so typical, but still wrong. I hope you know that. You are still right in what you are doing, but obviously they would rather you didn't make them face the past, and what they've done to you.

Did you want your parents to respond at all? Or did you just want to tell them exactly how you felt, but not have contact any more? What do you want to happen next? (You don't have to answer these questions here if you don't want to, but it might help to think about them  :)  )

I hope things work out OK.

Janet

enough

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Re: Outing the Narcissistic/Emotionally incesting Parent
« Reply #23 on: September 28, 2007, 06:15:28 PM »
hi janet,
thank you for the supportive words.

well when i wrote my parents the letters, my hope was that we could, as a family, address the issues i brought up.  it took them a month to respond, during which time i had resigned myself to the idea that they were not going to respond (communication and honesty do not sit well with my parents!)  once i accepted their silence, i felt free; for the first time in my life (i'm 37) i felt like an adult.

i have just a couple issues with my mother; its my father who is the MAJOR manipulative control freak (and my brother is turning out exactly like him...) and yet its my mom and brother whom i have heard from; not my dad (my parents are still married and in the same house! its not like he didn't see the letters i wrote!)

reallyME

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Re: Outing the Narcissistic/Emotionally incesting Parent
« Reply #24 on: September 28, 2007, 09:37:21 PM »
I was just thinking about something one of your posts said about reporting the abuser and having nothing done and even returning the child back to the abuser.

The person I reported, apparently is going without being dealt with and supposedly the abuse victim is doing fine, although I heard otherwise from the graphic descriptions of blood and bruises on the child's body. 

It is just disheartening to me, how, when people report abuse, the abusers are given a slap on the hand, are able to dupe the police and/or judge, and, most likely the child "gets it" even worse after the fact, which, of course, puts the blame for reporting it, back onto the one who dared to take action.

Sorry, but this sux as far as I'm concerned.  Stepping out and reporting abuse has cost me many things...friendships, dignity, trust, etc...but I can tell you, I will report every instance of it, for the rest of my living days!

~Laura

JanetLG

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Re: Outing the Narcissistic/Emotionally incesting Parent
« Reply #25 on: September 29, 2007, 04:03:33 AM »
Enough,

I wish it was the way that once things had been 'outed' to a family, that everyone involved would rally round and try to make things less painful for the person who has blown the whistle. But it's not like that. What happened to you (the actual abuser - your F - doesn't reply at all, and the others take weeks to respond) is just so typical. In a NORMAL family, that wouldn't happen, but that's not what you are dealing with, and neither was I. In dysfunctional families, what is 'normal' is the same pattern of abuse that's been happening for years, so the 'bystanders' (your mother and brother) probably have a  lot invested in things staying the same - after all, if you stopped getting abused, then perhaps the focus would shift onto THEM?! :shock:

I'm glad that the respite of a month gave you time to start feeling like an adult. That's not a sarcastic thing to say, although reading it back over, it does sound like that! What I mean is, it's given you time to see clearer what needs to change, and if they won't change, then you can make the changes yourself. No Contact is hard at first, but becomes much easier with time, as you see how much better you feel once you are out of the sphere of influence of toxic people. Whether they're your parents or not should be irrelevant (but it does confuse the issue) - you still need to protect yourself from dangerous people, whoever they are.


Janet