Am I a Throw Away Person?

[Ami]

As I get a little distance from my M, I see that I took her POV,hook,line and sinker. I thought I WAS a discarded person. I would fight to the death that I wasn't, but that was b/c I thought I was. Thou doth protest too much. The people who have quiet confidence don't need to keep asserting their value
 As I feel deep pain, I start to come out of the fairy tale.
 I was made to eat the poison apple but if I am willing to face the truth, I can leave it's poison behind.. Realizing that I have needs is a big part. I can identitfy them ,as a non discarded person would. I can try to meet them , as a nondiscarded person would. I can honor them.               Ami
 

[James]

It was never a fairy tale . It was a horrible nightmare. I know you know this, but just wanted to say it...James

[Overcomer]

Ami:  You have been practicing fighting back on this board.  And although I want it to stop, I feel that you are learning to assert yourself.  Your mom holds no power over you now.  It is just a matter of you figuring that out.

I got a book from my doc called "Who switched off my Brain?"  It is by a Caroline something or other........anyway it talks about how when we have so many negative and toxic thought, it establishes trees and trees of dendtrites that take over our brain.  Somehow those toxic thoughts trump all other thoughts.  The key is to practice positive thoughts so that in the long run you can undo all those negative thoughts.  I am reading through it a second time to help me get over all the negative things that seem to filter through my brain.  (the cymbalta has helped me but I am trying to remember those things that made me mad so I won't be like some zombie who is led to the kill.............and doesn't even care..........)

I suggest this book to help you understand the toxicity that flows through your brain and to help you undo all that junk..

Love, Kelly

[LilyCat]

Ami,

You most certainly are not a throwaway person. Your mother may have discarded you, but that does not mean that you are to be discarded. It means that she is sick, unable to mother.

You, my dear, are this sweet, sweet person who has this quality I can never name or describe, but who so touches my heart.

No, you are not a throwaway. You are to become a champion.

xoxo,

Lily

[sea storm]

Ami,

How simply and humbly you describe yourself. I am touched by how genuine and real your pain is.

You are not a throwaway person. No one is.   Not one person.   People who throw away others are just a tribe of curiously inadequate people without empathy.

Some people we have to let go of.  Usually this hurts a lot.  Some people are dangerous and they have to go.  But you are not a throw away person.

How true that the people with quiet confidence dont need to keep asserting their value. That thought is like a beacon of inspiration.  We all have value.  See what happens when one doesn't assert their value.  I think that is when you start to live and be, instead of striving and trying to create some loveable personal that always ends up wrong.

Sea storm

Thanks for your post. 

[dandylife]

Ami,

Interesting how your opinion of yourself is so wrapped up in what "she" wanted you to believe about yourself?

I am always amazed at the different reactions of different kids that I observe in certain situations.

When I was very small (5-6 years old), my mom would invite some relatives over for coffee visits. These ladies were nuns (very catholic upbringing!) and anyway, they were old ladies to me whom I did not know very well at all. When they came over, my mom would call to us (me and my brother and sister, very close in age.) and we would come and greet the nuns and then, one of them would inevitably say, "Come, sit on my lap!".

My heart would fall as I had no desire to sit on her lap. (I wanted to go play!) But out of obedience and my mom's drilling into me You must be polite! You must be NICE at all times! I would dutifully sit in the Sister's lap for as long as I could possibly stand it. I don't remember ever being the first to indicate that I wanted to get down. It was usually after a while, she'd say "Go on and play now!" And I would only then get down. I felt tortured the whole time, trapped, imprisoned and betrayed by my mom, who I thought should have known the pain I was feeling.

My sister and brother, on the other hand had their wits about them and either refused to get on a lap, or squirmed so much they were released after a few moments.

I watch my son's friends to see how assertive they are. Only one has shown signs of having been abused.

I always stand up and cheer in my heart when a child steps up and says, "I don't want to right now. No thank you." Polite and firm.

Yay for little ones who have healthy boundaries!!

Ami, have you ever experienced "chair therapy"? Where you sit down with your mom (not really - it's just a chair sitting there representing your mom) and you tell her all the things you wish you could have said as a child. Only now you have the words, as an adult, to express them. It's very cathartic and helpful, I think, in getting those pathways in the brain laid down - for future times someone may stumble over your boundary and you have to firmly push them out of your space.

Love,
Dandylife

[Overcomer]

The book endi have specifics.  I read it quickly-it went by quickly.  But I am sure she told how to undo those thoughts.

[cats paw]

Hi Ami,

  I was flipping channels the other day, and I saw Louise Hay.  What an attractive lady !  I only watched briefly, but they were talking about affirmations and the way we speak to ourselves.

  Besides the poison apple, I have hopes you will learn to discard the matches you learned to light.  We all do this, but learn if that's all we do, we'll freeze.  I remember you saying you identified with "The Little Match Girl".

  The title of your thread- could it perhaps benefit you more to say to yourself, "I'm learning that I'm not a throwaway person" ?  It seems that would fit better with what you've expressed in your post.  I'm not suggesting you change the title, I was just reminded of seeing Louise Hay the other day, and how we speak to ourselves.  Sometimes it's so hard to catch it, because it's automatic.

  As you say, please compost what doesn't fit !

cats paw

 

[Ami]

Thank you James, Bean, Lily, Sea , Dandy , Cat and Kelly,
  I feel very affirmed  by your replies. Thanks so much!    Love   Ami

[Hopalong]

She tried really hard to throw you away, Ami,
but I don't think you're letting her get away with it.

 

Hops

[debkor]

Ami,

No hon you are not a throw away person..... you know your not...maybe that is how your mother feels... ...maybe she felt like a throw away person and wiped it off on you..projected all of what she felt, her shame onto you....maybe when you felt good, fought back...she tried even harder to make you feel that way.. because she would have to own it then......in a way do you think it was self punishment through you... I don't know.. I wonder sometimes... do you think they treat others how they really feel deep inside...project it out.... lash in anger.. punish...cause they really hate themselves..and this they cannot allow.. so they seek out people vunerable like thier child...someone inferior to them...and make them take all the shame that they own and then blame them for it....... they are sick people....you just got her sickness smeared all over you.......

Makes me think the words throw away..... I think really they feel that way..... interesting... projected onto others to feel.. wipe them selves off on others...

You were just a child... you could not have rationalized this...no way......It was not you....


Love
Deb

[Izzy_*now*]

Ami
Have you ever met a throw-away person?
All of us have value for some reason and I don't understand why you would ask this.
No one is a throw-away person!
Izzy

[Ami]

Dear Hops, Deb and Izzy,
  Thank you for your replies. I AM seeing little by litle that my M and her views are separate from me. It has been very painful to come out of the denial that I had a M  wanted my well-being.
 It has hurt like childbirth, sometimes.
 However, I get breaks in the pain and clarity that I am indeed separate and that is a wonderful relief.
         Ami

[Overcomer]

I like to use the term, "kicked to the curb."  I have felt that way many, many times by my mom.  Almost like a little kid who crowds his way to the front of the line.  ME! ME! ME!  Now she tells me she feels kicked to the curb because I finally said ENOUGH IS ENOUGH..............SHE CANNOT STAND IT.