Treating my mental health problem

[Juno]

One thing I wanted to mention--I was nervous about calling my regular doctor about this.  Not because I was embarrassed or anything.  It's just that my doctor has a reputation for "firing" her patients if they don't follow directions or if they commit some kind of faux pas like calling another doctor for a second opinion.  She fired my uncle for just that thing and he was in the middle of important treatment at the time!  And she is kind of difficult in other ways too. 

I was nervous that my having gone through EAP and gotten the counselor first, and then calling and asking for specific medicine, would put her off.  I imagined the worst--that she would think I had gone about it wrong and would "fire" me and I would have the hassle of getting a new doctor in the middle of this.  I had to rehearse in my mind what I would ask for so I wouldn't end up with a bigger problem.  And I was also mad at myself for thinking this way and wanted to just ask for what I wanted.  So difficult.  But it turned out okay.  The secretary was helpful and got me in right away on Monday.  She didn't sound like I was being unreasonable or asking for something nobody else ever asked for.

I hate worrying this much and second-guessing myself all the time.  I turn simple things into burdens.  I just want to relax and be laid back.  I hope that is the kind of person I turn out to be.

[Certain Hope]

One thing I wanted to mention--I was nervous about calling my regular doctor about this.  Not because I was embarrassed or anything.  It's just that my doctor has a reputation for "firing" her patients if they don't follow directions or if they commit some kind of faux pas like calling another doctor for a second opinion.  She fired my uncle for just that thing and he was in the middle of important treatment at the time!  And she is kind of difficult in other ways too. 

I was nervous that my having gone through EAP and gotten the counselor first, and then calling and asking for specific medicine, would put her off.  I imagined the worst--that she would think I had gone about it wrong and would "fire" me and I would have the hassle of getting a new doctor in the middle of this.  I had to rehearse in my mind what I would ask for so I wouldn't end up with a bigger problem.  And I was also mad at myself for thinking this way and wanted to just ask for what I wanted.  So difficult.  But it turned out okay.  The secretary was helpful and got me in right away on Monday.  She didn't sound like I was being unreasonable or asking for something nobody else ever asked for.

I hate worrying this much and second-guessing myself all the time.  I turn simple things into burdens.  I just want to relax and be laid back.  I hope that is the kind of person I turn out to be.

Oh, Juno... that is SO so so the way I get to thinking, too.... even still, at times...  trying to consider every aspect. It can be so cumbersome!
On a good day, I can "check" myself and let it go, before it begins circling... and then it doesn't even have to be tangled with worry - just awareness.
On a bad day... well, it's easy to get lost in that tangle and wind up accomplishing nothing.

I researched a bit today about prescription anti-depressants.... and SAM-e, too. Sounds like the SAM-e might be safest, all the way around... especially if you have high blood pressure and elevated intra-ocular pressure (precursors to glaucoma).  Of course they all have their pros and cons... but I'm gonna continue reading and check with my doc, too.

Love,
Carolyn

[Certain Hope]

Posting backwards here, Juno, but I didn't want to miss this:

I sure was taken aback by my emotions when I started telling the counselor about how we had left the area for ten years when my husband was in the Navy.  Then we came back here and nobody cared about us.  Family didn't go out of their way to welcome us and neither did the few friends who were still in the area.  I got so choked up about that.  She didn't know what to say at first but then she finally understood what I meant.  That everyone had established their "circle" all those years we were gone.  We came back and there was no room for us.  I can't believe that still hurts so much after all these years--fourteen years we've been back.  Anyway, I was just surprised at myself.  Of all the things I could and might tell her, that I know hurt, that one seemed so small and old.  And when I have told that story to people over the years, they have dismissed my ideas about it.  People who have never pulled up roots as we have, so how would they know?  But they always dismiss me when I talk about it.  So I don't talk about it much anymore.  It just popped out yesterday.  Surprise!

This makes perfect sense to me. Although it might seem small and old, it's one of those impact-full events which caused you great heartache...
and it has never, to date, been fully appreciated and acknowledged!  I've had several of those lately... and it can really be a shock.
This was a major turning point, for you, I am sure. It's the "you can't go home again" mile marker...  an end to the illusion of sanctuary.
I still have some powerful feelings about my parents selling the home in which I grew up... and that was 28 years ago.
It's because nobody has ever received those feelings in the re-telling and given them weight, value.

Juno, you are working your way through stuff already... because you've made up your mind to do this. It shows.

Love,
Carolyn

[James]

Juno.....Thank you for writing and sharing how you are feeling. I think I understand because it hasn't been all that long ago that I was almost in a state of collapse. I'm doing a lot better now. You only do what you feel is best and if I can ever help you please let me know. A college of Dr. Miller runs a very good website that you may be interested in. It is very safe and although it doesn't have the realtime feature as here, certainly not the excitement, I have used it and found it very helpful. IMO it would be a good addition to almost any therapy especially starting out. You don't hear Miller's name used a lot here but there are a number of people on the board that are interested in starting a thread where it functions, in a small way like an enlightened witness, along with understand what she is writing about. Perhaps you might benefit from this also.  In any case, I wish you the best and want you to know that I am on your side...........Love, James

[lighter]

Lordy Loo, Juno.

Having all that added stress heaped on you by the medical profession's version of the Soup Nazi.

You don't need more stress in any area....

esp one where you're trying to find healing and relief.

(((Juno)))

Big hug, take a breath...... make a plan.

Lighter

[teartracks]

PP,

I'm not diminishing the feelings of vulnerability you are feeling now by stepping out and asking  for help.  In that, I am hearing an overcoming strong voice too.  You've taken ownership of the fact that something is wrong, it's bigger than you, and you're willing to ask for help.  To me that is really big step.  I hope your therapist and you work well together, even the part about her that reminds you of your mom.  I'm so glad you're taking this step.  I hope you'll keep us up to date as appropriate.

tt

[Juno]

It's the "you can't go home again" mile marker...  an end to the illusion of sanctuary.

The Illusion 0f Sanctuary.... that says it all.  This place where I am from has never ever been a sanctuary for me.  And yet all those years we were gone, an entire decade, I was often quite homesick.  We had taken maybe three or four trips back for quick visits and I had enjoyed all of them very much.  We stayed with friends or in a motel and there was an excitement in the air.  Our families were excited to see us.  We even flew back for a high school reunion and enjoyed that immensely.  They really all had me fooled.  I guess they were happy to see us because it was special and a small dose and we were maybe glamorous on some level having left and gone on adventures.  I thought it would be like that when we came back for good.  I thought people missed us.  Wrong, wrong, wrong.  They didn't know what to do with us once we came back for good.  Now that it was every day.

On the other hand, when we did come back it was under less than ideal circumstances.  I had incredible amounts of stress to deal with and I consciously chose to come back here because of two obvious reasons and one less so.  The two obvious ones were--I knew we would need to take care of my ailing father and I always wanted to know why I was so unhappy here most of my life.  The less obvious one was--I was scared to try over again someplace new without the safety net of being in the military with all its guarantees.

So, I guess this all could have been predicted.  I am satisfied with having come back to take care of my father.  Now..... I wish we could just leave.  It feels like there is nothing here for us but struggle.

The Illusion of Sanctuary.  I really need a good sanctuary in some part of my life.

[Juno]

James, I think I will keep in the front of my mind to look into Alice Miller.  When I have more stamina and all that.  I think it is exactly what I believe in.  I just don't know that I am able--in the condition that I am in now.  When I was in the counselor's office it was overwhelming to me to sit face to face with this stranger and all that was going through my mind.  I nearly froze up.  I kept stumbling.  I think I'm going to have to edge my way into Alice Miller. 

I can be so bold at times and then at others so very meek and shrunken.

I think I have lost almost all my trust.

[Juno]

Oh lighter--the Soup Nazi!  That is so funny.  I hadn't thought of it that way, but that is exactly what this doctor is like!

No meds for YOU!

[Juno]

tt--It is those reminders of "bad" people from the past that is driving me crazy lately.  It keeps happening all the time.  I am constantly triggered.  Which makes it hard to separate out what the person is really doing from what they are making me feel like.  In other words, I am feeling constantly betrayed and back-stabbed.  Maybe some of the people are doing things innocently and some of them are not.  But it all feels the same to me.  It all feels bad.  It is a struggle to keep reminding myself, okay, this person doesn't seem to really have it in for me, but this person has a history and her bad actions have just confirmed what I suspected all along.  This person might be okay and even an ally but this person is an enemy.  I just want to get away.

I don't think I am being paranoid, I am being very touchy and very hurt.  It so distracting.  A good indicator of needing this therapy and meds, I think.

[teartracks]

PP,

I read something recently that made me think that hypervigilence and paranoia can sometimes look the same.  On reading further the distinction seems to be that folk who are paranoid don't have a clue that they are.  OTOH, hypervigilent folk sometimes think they may be paranoid when they aren't.  I'm not saying you are hypervigilent.  I am saying that if what I read is right (can't remember the source, but it is in a post I made here about three weeks ago) your acknowledgement that how you are thinking could look like paranoia, is  evidence that you aren't.  Sometimes, just being able to derermine 'what it isn't' is freeing.  I think you are on target in what you say here:

 
tt--It is those reminders of "bad" people from the past that is driving me crazy lately.  It keeps happening all the time.  I am constantly triggered.  Which makes it hard to separate out what the person is really doing from what they are making me feel like.  In other words, I am feeling constantly betrayed and back-stabbed.  Maybe some of the people are doing things innocently and some of them are not.  But it all feels the same to me.  It all feels bad.  It is a struggle to keep reminding myself, okay, this person doesn't seem to really have it in for me, but this person has a history and her bad actions have just confirmed what I suspected all along.  This person might be okay and even an ally but this person is an enemy.  I just want to get away.

I don't think I am being paranoid, I am being very touchy and very hurt.  It so distracting.  A good indicator of needing this therapy and meds, I think. 

tt

[Juno]

tt--that hyper-vigilance rings a bell with me.  I think I was always that way.  I thought I had to be.  How else would I know what to do to make everyone else's life easier?  Nobody actually said, "Uh, we don't really like you, it's just that we got stuck with you accidentally and now we just keep you around to do the dirty work.  Otherwise stay out of the way."  Nobody said that but it is often implied.  All my childhood I always wanted to know if somebody really liked me or not.  I remember once thinking that I wished I had a lie detector so I could find out for sure what people really thought of me.  Isn't that an odd thing for a child to wish for?  Maybe not so odd for a voiceless child, though.

tt, I appreciate your insightful remarks about paranoia and hyper-vigilance.  It's getting to the point that I am doubting myself constantly.  Very stressful and tiring.

[Hopalong]

Junopop,

I am so happy for you I feel like crying.
(Even if you don't feel instant results. You've taken Step One on a path, and pretty soon you'll stop fussing about where you are on the path, whether it's normal or not, and just start noticing what grows there.)

It's an experience you'll have. It's a good one. It doens't ALL hurt. There's often moments of such huge sanity-mking relief that you drive home feeling as though your BRAIN lost weight!

I'm sending you much love and support and also wanted to tell you I think it's important to respect your own sense of yourself, your own inner wisdom, so this, in my view, is a healthy statement:

I'm not ready for Alice Miller

love to you,
Hops

[teartracks]

PP,

to do the dirty work.

I don't mean to brag, PP, but I'm going to talk in the past tense and say, I remember that feeling.  Wheewww!  Not saying I don't slip sometimes and do the old, 'self appointed' thing, but often I catch myself and remember, it's not my bag, my responsibility, my right (that was a big one), to act on this.  It feels so good to be free of it.  You will get there.  I'm so glad you have a therapist.  I hope you'll give us tidbits on how it is going.

tt