My Truth

[sKePTiKal]

I see little Helen twirling around with daggers like a tasmanian devil.

like a whirling dervish... who channels god to the earth and other people... all things good...
which can also be limits, boundaries (to stay safe and unaffected from nar-people)... karma...

also:

Society, people & the world ASSIGN a value to various "doing".... that value changes with the times...
but BEING is the real "stuff"...

it's like the dancers, the elders, a whirling dervish... the gifts...

BEING can't be "judged" or criticized... being just IS. A homeless person can have way more "being" than one of the walking dead, who wears a suit and thinks him/herself indespensible.

Ever see Evan Almighty? (I think) the one where "God" appears in this all white building as the janitor? And Jim Carrey is like "Right, you're god..."  Anyway, that's being vs doing for me.

My philosophy is that is really doesn't matter what you do for money... as long as it's OK with your Being and it's enough money to take care of things to your satisfaction.

[Meh]

Hi Little Helen or Big Helen or Monsters and Spirits whats up today? What am I going to write about this day. Is there anything that needs to be said?

Mainly I feel like a mummy, by body says to me "why the hell don't you do something about this"
I'm not sure what to do.

How to write? Maybe lets go visit the smoofs for a while.

[Meh]

So, I have this porch, the porch is a large wrap around porch, goes around the perimeter of the house, it's big enough to have a
party on.

There is a garden next to the porch, has some dinner-plate dalyas and purple & brown sunflowers. There are stepping stones and some thyme that carpets the ground in green softness.

I think the cushions of the patio furniture are a Burgundy color or maybe they have a Hawaiian print on them. There is a vase sitting on a table on the porch that has some velvety red roses in it. I'm sitting on the porch just reading. Kicking my legs up.

There is a bee-box nearby and I can see the bees flying in and out of their hive.

I'm going to wrap a quilt around me and watch the clouds pass by. Feel the fresh air on my face. Breath. Dream. Wish. Hope.


I'm flying on a hang-glider looking down at the ocean.

[Meh]

I know there is something that Helen wants to say today. I just don't know what it is.

I want to go hiking on a path near the ocean and get pummelled by wet wind.


Alright that is if for today.

Maybe next time, I write about some weird creepy dreams..

Or a gratitude list...

[Meh]

Last night I did some accessing of parts of my essential self. My essential self seems to be really physical, wants to exercise take care of itsself and does not appear to have a whole lot of interest in this writing that I'm doing here. But maybe that is only part of my essential self. Maybe parts of the essential self can be at odds with one another.

HOPES AND DREAMS
Hopes and Dreams are Taboo for me, this is related to voicelessness, I'm suppose to be invisible, unimportant and non-existant.
I dare not put my hopes and dreams on this board. I don't wish to.

I think in the midsts of stress and depression the whole area of HOPES and DREAMS is also deeply submerged in that sea, maybe the deepest cave in the ocean has a treasure chest with hopes and dreams but it's impossible to get down there, it's too deep, too dark, too cold.

I don't feel that far away from my hopes and dreams at the moment. I never bothered to question myself where my hopes and dreams come from though, If they come from me or from someplace else. If me essential self wants them?

I know this goes against pop-selfhelp crap. I think sometimes parts of the essential self don't know everything, are not right about every thing. If I let my essential self rule my life. Well my life would probably be a lot more exciting. There is also the chance I would be dead, or some other thing.

I have a don't rock the boat lifestyle, Don't rock my own littel boat because there are sharks, I see there shadows in the water. They have nothing else to do but swim and hope that the boat sinks.

[Meh]

Questioning myself:

Can I trust my essential self to run my life?

Can my essential self do it all by itself?

[Meh]

In the evening I got to ruminating.....the results.....


I had a good boss ask me about how I like to work, and she would ask me if I was happy and so forth, she asked me about the kind of work structure I liked and so forth.

My coworker told me, that boss could not read me, she didn't know if I was happy or not.


I adapt, have adapted my whole life, I put up with anything to survive. I take this for granted that I have to adapt myself to any situation. I don't tend to "fake it" too much instead I just shut down parts of myself.

Last night I was thinking about what if I had the opportunity, the freedom, the power to decide what I wanted? What I liked?
What if I did not have to adapt myself to every situation. What if I had the ability to find the niche that my essential self fits.
Rather then fitting myself into places where I don't belong.

I had to do this to survive, at least that is what I believe.

[Meh]

Don't most kids and people put up to survive, and convince themselves that they want what they have even if they don't?



Last night, I talked to parts of me essential self. I heard it loud and clear. I asked it questions and it YELLED/screamed back answers at me. Answers of YESSSSS!!! And Nooooo!

It was pretty much a monosyllabic response method. I wish it would respond with Whole ideas.
If I ask it what do you really want?
Maybe I just don't want to hear the answer. Accept the answer.

At some point I felt my heart open a little and it connected with my neck (only temporarily). I think this was when I said to my essential self.  "OK sweetie, I HEAR you".

Apparently there is a part of me that is censoring my essential self. This personality I have.
I think that my personality or Ego or whatever it is has a narcissistic relationship with my essential self.
My Ego/personality tends to ignore the essential self.


I just cant picture this part of me running my life, it seems so wreckless, unrealistic, unsophisticated.

[Meh]

My personality is Narcisstically attacking my essential self.. Is this statment true?
I'm not sure about attacking, no it feels more like controlling.
So I see this big ear hovering in space right next to me. It's going to listen.

Maybe the most powerful and dificult task I have is to choose what I like instead of adapting.

There is a real world, not every thing is just in my head.

I'm telling myself that when my essential self comes up against the real world there will be no place for it in the real world.
That it does not fit.

I'm telling myself that letting my essential self dirrect and run my life is unrealistic idea.

This may very well be a fact.

Maybe there are only a few places, a few people where this can happen, when the SELF can come out and breathe.

Where is this going?

Find a space, a place.

[Meh]

I feel like I'm in a war zone and I'm bunkered/hunkered down. Whatever the word is.

I'm crouched over in an empty bullet riddled structure. I must survive. I'm too afraid to go outside.
I'm waiting for the war to end, the combat to subside, the bullets to stop flying.
But the war goes on and on, in the mean time I'm starving and cold inside the building where I'm only sort of safe.
I'm not sure if I am safe or not, someone could come in at any moment, a grenade could come through the window.
It seems like I am the only person in this deserted town besides the fighters.

[Ami]

(((((Helen)))))))                                      Ami

[Meh]

My essential self is telling me to get the heck off of the computer.

I tell myself that the weather is bad so I might as well...be on the computer.

Do I have the will power to listen to my Essential self.


I wonder what my essential self would think about me taking a writing class.
I have a friend who teaches creative writing.

I think my essential self might join a circus.

Ummmm....should I let this happen, my essential self.

Can I trust my essential self to keep me safe?

[Meh]

Ok, Ok, Ok,

I have to give my essential self some time every day. Maybe I don't hand over the whole day to the essential self.

My essential self doesn't care about this writing, it jumps up and down impatiently.



My essential self would probably never choose to do the TAXES. So that is my answer. NO the essential self can not run every aspect of my life. That doesnt mean that I can't hand over part of my life to my essential self.

This seems reasonable.

Its a concession. A compromise. A good compromise.

Ok essential self there you go, I'm handing over a little slice of the pie to you right now.

[Meh]

This is so weird,
I'm starting to see my depression as a psychological veil. Not just metaphorically but I can actually start to see it's shape in my "aura" or Psyche. The depression is a rather thin veil. Thinner then I ever would have expected.

Physically I loaf around but my body does not want to do this. My legs want to sprint. Some part of me wants to go run a marathon.
Is this correct?

Well then I guess, maybe I could start training for a marathon.

[Meh]

I asked my essential self about my coffee intake and it did not give me a resounding yes or no, it went into a flipping sort of thing like an animal banging around in a cage.

I think maybe I like the taste. Maybe my essential self is addicted to it. Maybe that is the flipping.

It was the only question that I didnt get a clear answer on.

I owe my essential self an apology.

I feel my whole body change somehow when I wrote the above statement.

I feel like I'm starting to access myself instead of struggling against myself.

I 'm pleased with this.



To: Essential SELF

I'm (ego?) appologize for ignoring you for so long. I'm going to start listening to you more often, asking your oppionion more often. I'm not going to tell you what you should be like. I'm going to just ask and listen for the answer that you give.
Ok, essential self, if you can please tell me more then yes and no, that might help me.