Need some advice, please

[DOBA]

  Hubby quickly found my new location.  Son was trying to make repairs to the new apartment while I was at work and broke something, in a panic, he called hubby who was all too glad to stop by and wait for me to come home from work to "say hi".  Now I am being bombarded by Christian/religious emails, small bible-based gifts on my car, IN my car (he doesn't have a key that I know of, it's a keyless entry!)  He has not "just showed up" but makes his presence in a more sinister manner.  It's a difficult call for the local police in terms of a PFA because of the nature of the notes and gifts.  Hubby abused religion and was strictly legalistic as means to oppress and beat son and I into complete submission.  He would go on tirades, misquoting bible verses as a way of justifying his emotional, spiritual and psychological abusive behavior.  I am now apparently going straight to hell because I stood up to him and left the situation, because "Divorce is sin" (uh, so is abuse).  Local police are reluctant to jump in here, womens shelter tell me to keep a detailed log of everything,but to be honest, this is creeping me out.  I cannot afford to move again.  Any advice?

[Hopalong]

Hi DOBA,
I'm not an expert in this but would like to send you courage (and determination).
I second the detailed documentation.

I would fight back. A car alarm. Hell, a DOBERMAN that goes with you.

Seriously, a protective big dog?

If the police are "reluctant" does that mean if you bang your fist on a desk and say, "Don't wait until my husband has harmed me to grant me a protective order!" -- will they still refuse? I'd like you to find out...

I think some serious self-assertion is in order. I know he tried to beat it out of you.

But you DID leave. You DO have courage and determination.

I know other people here have experienced what you're going through and will have more savvy advice.

Please keep us posted....

Hops

[Ami]

Dear((( DOBA))
 It seems clear the the authorities will be of no help.Have you read Gavin DeBeckers  The Gift Of Fear. He talks about trusting yourself. I think your weapon will be your gut.
 Did your H actually beat you and your son before? Does he have this pattern of violence or is it more of verbal and emotional abuse?
       Ami

[debkor]

Hey DOBA,

This appears to me to be stalking, harassment, and terror by...gifts, notes, and very clever done.

You go to the court house and tell them you want to fill out the papers for a PFA..and you tell him exactly what you told the police.  You tell him as you have told us.   He will either grant you PFA right there and then or Order you both back and then determine what is going to be done.

This is not as of yet a police matter but You can and Should petition the court before it becomes One...You have been harmed by this man, you have divorced this man, and you are feeling stalked, terror, and harassed by this man. 

You did not invite him in to your home.  You did not reveal your residence it was a mistake by your S and it Now must be Clear between him and you...with a court order...to Stay Away from you and your Personal Area or it will be enforced by law to do so.

Fight him back.  You know what he is doing.  Yes he is being Creepy.

Do not wait  for you to tell them...I told you so...After you have been harmed. 

Petition and you are on record of fear of harm...they will pay attention to that ...it's also part of your documentation....through the courts...Help me Protect myself.  Either it's granted or not granted but on record.

Then yes if you can A Large Dog...It made me feel better. 

Pepper Spray

Self Defense Class

and try not to be intimidated (easier said then done) but these things will help you.

You divorced him.  That shows strength.  Now you keep him away with a court order (petition) 

Call your courthouse, your legal aid, your congressmen....and find out Legally what you can Do!!!

Is this stalking, Is this harassment, how do I stop this (my personal space,)

That is also part of your documentation.. spoke to, date, time,

It was a court issues first for PFA before it became a police issue without black and blues, eyes, broken bones, bleeding And that is not what I wanted to wait for...

Try the Court House.....You petition them.  Make your statements, tell your story, tell your life, divorce, move, fears...Ask them to Grant you Protection through the court....

They will listen and so it will be noted.

Love
Deb

[lighter]

DOBA:

I second the advice here.

You can ask for an Order of Protection yourself.

If granted, you'll need to use the police to document any infractions on ex's part.  Keep the Order on your person so you can show the police that you have it.

Feeling threatened..... repeated violations of your space and privacy...... unwanted cards and notes.....

along with past physical abuse, may very well be enough to get an Order.

Be hyper alert and pay attention to your surroundings..... do you have a back entrance?  Is it secure?  All windows locked?  Have a plan to egress should you need to at a moments notice.

I know it feels awful to ask for help, esp from new neighbors, but...... figure out who you can ask to keep any eye out.

Explain your situation, it's not comfortable, but....... there will be some who understand and want to help.

DOBA..... how's your son doing in all this?

I'm sure this is very difficult for him.

Mo2

[JustKathy]

Hi DOBA,

A restraining order is always a good idea, because it places a document on file with the police should anything happen. That said (and I don't mean to scare you), MANY women are harmed or killed each year despite having a restraining order. It's just a piece of paper. It will help to convict a man for murdering his wife, but rarely stops the murder from occurring. If the level of stalking is limited to what your H is doing - leaving notes in your car, letters, emails, and and such - a restraining order will probably stop that. But if there is a threat of physical violence, don't depend on the police to get there in time. Definitely follow some of the advice here and do what you can to protect yourself. Some of this is coming from my own experience, many years ago, but with an abusive boyfriend. He wanted to kill me (the typical "if I can't have you, no one else will" stuff), and the police told me that they couldn't do anything until he actually made an attempt on my life, which wasn't acceptable to me. So I had to empower myself.

Will your apartment allow a dog? If so, I really believe that a large dog is your best protection. The dog only has to LOOK aggressive. I have a 70lb Samoyed who would allow entry to any burglar with a dog treat, but he looks like a wolf, and men will steer clear. I once had an attempted break-in, and they ran as soon as they saw the dog. A dog will also prevent your husband from gaining access to the apartment while you're away, and will sound off if anyone is lurking around outside. If your apartment will allow it, I'd give it some thought. Pepper spray is also a good idea. Let your husband know that you are NOT weak, and are not to be tangled with, and he may give up.

Also, tell ALL of your friends, co-workers, etc what is going on. Make sure that everyone knows about this. That way, if someone sees your H lurking about, they'll alert you to it. If things persist, have a friend call and check on you at night.

A personal alarm is also a great thing to have. I used to have one (batteries ran out). It's a small device that you carry with you, if threatened, you press the button and they are absolutely deafening. Will definitely scare an attacker off. Not sure where you would buy one, maybe a sporting goods store? Just another thought.

Hang in there and hang tough.

Kathy

[lighter]

The dog's a great idea.

You can even borrow a dog....... 

it'll help a lot.

Mo2