Being An Adult

[Ami]

Hi Ami,

I also thought that when I got away from my FOO I would be in control of my life and that I would never let any person hurt me again. When I left home it was a spur of the moment reaction to my overload of frustration, I didn't know where I was going.
For a few days I stayed at a friend's house. Then I lived in some campus housing at school, then I dropped out of school and got a job that barely paid the bills... And I guess I've been struggling ever since.

When I moved away from home it was a culmination of rejection from my mother. My heart was broken. That was the first time I had a broken heart. Of course I've since had broken hearts from guys but those were a piece of cake- sort of.


The feelings of grief are unbelievable.. I experienced this also. That is why I feel like there are 1,000 mourning old widows inside of my soul.
Yep, I had to take sleeping pills after I felt my first spell of grief. My body wasn't functioning correctly the grief gave me so much anxiety.
I popped out of my body, I don't know how far, not a total out of body experience but definitely it was too scary for my consciousness to stay in my body so my consciousness became herniated. I was floating. Soooo scary. That was the most frightening time in my life ever I think.

1000 mourning old widows in my soul. THAT says it!                                                        Ami

[BonesMS]

Sometimes making grown-up decisions is SCARY as HECK!!!!!   

This may sound weird but when I was in the process of buying a condo and preparing to move out of the apartment I was living in, (I was pushing 50 by this point), I felt like I NEEDED TO ASK SOMEONE PERMISSION TO MAKE THIS DECISION!!!!     Otherwise, I felt like I was evil or something!  Then I started analyzing what that was about and WHERE it was coming from!  (I did not know about being a survivor of N's at this point so NOTHING I was feeling was making any sense!)  Does that make sense now?

Bones

[newfoundchildhood]

Oh yes, thats my truth, too. In fact, I have this "learned helplessness" down to the point where I've had life long panic attacks. I fear constantly what others think of me and I'm always thinking others are "thinking" I'm not good enough. I've been no contact for 4 months now and I just pray that I get some relief soon. It willl be a slow process since I've felt like this for so long ... I'm 43 btw. I do though .. I don't feel like a "grown up". I feel like an imposter in the real world, totally NOT KNOWING what I'm doing. Like other people have the secrets but I missed the class! lol

[bearwithme]

Oh yes, thats my truth, too. In fact, I have this "learned helplessness" down to the point where I've had life long panic attacks. I fear constantly what others think of me and I'm always thinking others are "thinking" I'm not good enough. I've been no contact for 4 months now and I just pray that I get some relief soon. It willl be a slow process since I've felt like this for so long ... I'm 43 btw. I do though .. I don't feel like a "grown up". I feel like an imposter in the real world, totally NOT KNOWING what I'm doing. Like other people have the secrets but I missed the class! lol

Newfound:  I'm 42 and this is so me!  I missed the class. Everyone knows stuff and they are all on it!  They are all AHEAD of me and I'm just following along trying to keep up with the Joneses.  I don't feel grown up but I feel old.  I feel worn out emotionally, like someone already took what I needed away and now I'm scrambling to find some way of thinking that will work out for me...and it's taking too long.  I feel like I'm waiting for some big answer or something. Like someday I'll wake up and go "Oooohhhh, that's what that was all for!"  Then I'll leave this shell of anger and hurt and move into another one of peace and happiness and wealth"  Like a Hermit crab!

[Lucky]

I like the hermit crab thought!!

[BonesMS]

Oh yes, thats my truth, too. In fact, I have this "learned helplessness" down to the point where I've had life long panic attacks. I fear constantly what others think of me and I'm always thinking others are "thinking" I'm not good enough. I've been no contact for 4 months now and I just pray that I get some relief soon. It willl be a slow process since I've felt like this for so long ... I'm 43 btw. I do though .. I don't feel like a "grown up". I feel like an imposter in the real world, totally NOT KNOWING what I'm doing. Like other people have the secrets but I missed the class! lol

I get it about feeling like I "missed the class"!  What complicated things, at the time I was preparing to move to my condo, was dealing with a HOARDING N who was throwing a temper tantrum!

Bones

[HeartofPilgrimage]

Dear Newfoundchildhood,

My own personal "aha" moment came when I realized that in my family, people were expected to read minds. If you could not read minds, you had committed a sin. So I went around trying to read other people's minds --- and in the process, tended to assume they were thinking negative thoughts about me or about what I had just said or done. (Because, of course, in the FOO, you would get blasted for your behavior and for not KNOWING better even though KNOWING  would have required being a psychic).

I had another "aha" moment when I realized my mother did not know what the heck she thinks about anything. So even if I were psychic, I couldn't read her mind because she would be just as likely to change her mind in mid-thought as anything. She can flip-flop from one opinion to the opposite in the blink of an eye. This was a terrific insight because ... you will never be good enough because there is no set standard. The standard moves around all over the place. And you will always be faulted for not being able to predict where the standard will show up next.

So ... what I did (and still do, I'm not totally over the knee-jerk reaction to try to read other people's minds) ... is always, always ask myself, "So, why do you think he/she thinks that? Why do you think he/she had that reaction to what you said/did? Is it their facial expression? Their body language? Their words? Or is it just because you feel embarrassed and assume that the other person 'must' be thinking bad thoughts about you?" I have found that sometimes when I was berating myself, the other person hadn't even heard what I said or seen what I'd done! They had had NO reaction to what I said/did because they didn't know about it! Yet I was castigating myself because they thought badly of me!

Of course, the next step is to learn to evaluate what I say and do according to my own standards, not whether or not somebody had a bad reaction to it (even if that reaction is real!). That's hard. But the very first step is beginning to recognize when you have no way of knowing WHAT the other person is thinking, and recognize when your prediction that they are critical comes from your past, not from what is happening in the present.

I actually think this process I have described in my post has been the most healing of all of the things I have done.

[Ami]

Dear Newfoundchildhood,

My own personal "aha" moment came when I realized that in my family, people were expected to read minds. If you could not read minds, you had committed a sin. So I went around trying to read other people's minds --- and in the process, tended to assume they were thinking negative thoughts about me or about what I had just said or done. (Because, of course, in the FOO, you would get blasted for your behavior and for not KNOWING better even though KNOWING  would have required being a psychic).

I had another "aha" moment when I realized my mother did not know what the heck she thinks about anything. So even if I were psychic, I couldn't read her mind because she would be just as likely to change her mind in mid-thought as anything. She can flip-flop from one opinion to the opposite in the blink of an eye. This was a terrific insight because ... you will never be good enough because there is no set standard. The standard moves around all over the place. And you will always be faulted for not being able to predict where the standard will show up next.

So ... what I did (and still do, I'm not totally over the knee-jerk reaction to try to read other people's minds) ... is always, always ask myself, "So, why do you think he/she thinks that? Why do you think he/she had that reaction to what you said/did? Is it their facial expression? Their body language? Their words? Or is it just because you feel embarrassed and assume that the other person 'must' be thinking bad thoughts about you?" I have found that sometimes when I was berating myself, the other person hadn't even heard what I said or seen what I'd done! They had had NO reaction to what I said/did because they didn't know about it! Yet I was castigating myself because they thought badly of me!

Of course, the next step is to learn to evaluate what I say and do according to my own standards, not whether or not somebody had a bad reaction to it (even if that reaction is real!). That's hard. But the very first step is beginning to recognize when you have no way of knowing WHAT the other person is thinking, and recognize when your prediction that they are critical comes from your past, not from what is happening in the present.

I actually think this process I have described in my post has been the most healing of all of the things I have done.

BRILLIANT!                                                                                         xxxxooo   Ami

[Gabben]

\That's hard. But the very first step is beginning to recognize when you have no way of knowing WHAT the other person is thinking, and recognize when your prediction that they are critical comes from your past, not from what is happening in the present.

Did you ever see that bumper sticker that says "My Therapist took away my mind reading powers." Something like that.