Sorry it has taken me so long to reply but this is the first opportunity I've had to check the board. The feedback really hits home and I appreciate it... it is cathartic to know you are not alone... which is why:
Genuine:
Conspiracy is a weird word, but, it is accurate. The word actually derives from latin: Con & Spire: to breath together. I'm not a fan of conspiracy theories, but, people in proximity have effects on each other's behavior to varying degrees. In the case of a family, even more so because of the heirarchy in place. I can only assume that this is magnified in a dysfunctional family. To whatever degree there has always been 'unwritten rules' of abuse in my family; directed primarily at me (as far as family members are concerned). Ironically, now that I have departed, my father and aunt are both dead (the other suppliers, to a much lesser degree, in my family) they behave like this directly toward other people (as opposed to talking behind their backs). It has cost them friendships and strained others. (I actually only know one person who is still friendly with my mother... they have guests at their beach house, but, even when I was around guests always kept a distance and visited once/year or where on the 'N list' of people who were worthy of their company).
I met a woman and her husband in Mexico whose many stories I'll paraphase to one: Her alcoholic brother was the golden child, could do no wrong. He lost his liscense after crashing his car dead drunk passed out at the wheel. One moring she went down to the driveway and her car wasn't there. She ran upstairs, her parents and other brother were sitting at the kitchen table, her other brother was passed out on the couch. After asking everybody if they knew where her car was (and they didn't) she woke her passed out brother. He said, "Yeah, your brakes are bad, you damn near killed me, I was lucky to get out of the accident alive." Her car was two blocks away, wrapped around a telephone pole.
To this day, her parents and brothers will claim she almost killed him (the brakes were fine, he was drunk as hell). The police suspect her in the accident (although everyone in the family knows who it is, they won't say a word and she feels they expect her to 'fess up' because that is her role in the family, always wrong, always to blame in any situation). Of course, the police also suspect him because they are familiar with his ways. Fortunately nobody was hurt and her parents home is in a small beach community in Florida where everyone knows one another.
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Yes, my mother was more than complicit in them ripping me off. Not only that, but I and many other predicted that it would happen 20 years ago. My mother has always rewarded my siblings' N behavior, it validates her own as 'normal'.
As far as breaking trust is concerned, that is a standard in my family, and it appears to be the case in others on this board. Ns take it one step further and put a spin on it to make it sound worse than it actually is; a lot worse. To a third party listening to them you would think they had first hand knowledge, but, they are actually confabulating stories (and it gets to be a competition sometimes... who can take it to the most outlandish level). Of course, the moment the story is told, it becomes 'reality'. Hence the reason so many N's use the term "We have a different perspective on reality." To me this means they are aware of what they do, but, accept it as their entitlement because they are elevated relative to others mere mortals.
Even people who are/were 'friendly' with them have feelings of inferiority around them and they wonder why (or, at least in the few cases that I've heard). Each one of them has very few friends, hence the jealousy at my wedding where we had to limit our guests to 150... they couldn't get half of that and all but my sister eloped. Her wedding had 60 people show up out of over 100 invited.
As far as 'clocking a year'... the first year is the hardest and holidays are still difficult for me. But, every year it gets easier. It is a cycle. Sometimes I go months (or weeks, more acurately) without thinking of them at all or on rare occasion. Other times I obsess (and visit this board). Sometimes I'll have dreams (nightmares) that involve them night after night. But, I'll also go through periods where my dreams are normal and don't involve them.
When the holidays come around, try to 'catch' yourself every time you find yourself thinking about them. Tell yourself: It isn't me, it is them, I can thinking about them because I'm human and I'm obsessed with this failed family. There is nothing I could do. I could not change them; they will not change. Try to have a 'replacement' thought or a number of them... when you find yourself thinking about them force yourself to think of something else. There is a book for obsessive/compulsive behavior therapy that outlines this... not that you or I are truely obsesive/compulsive, but the technique is known to work for many behaviors.
I know a gentleman who had a narcissitic mother. He didn't speak with his mother or his twin sister for over 40 years. (His sister never married). Then, when his mother became terminal she wanted to bury the hatchet (sp?) Long story short she wished she had done things differently (not an outright apology or admission). Now he and his sister are close (she never married and has nobody) and she recognizes the error in her mother's ways. I'm not certain the mother was an N, but, from their descriptions, it sounds like it. He only met my family once (at my wedding) and almost immediately felt that something was seriously awry in the family (as did many people who were at my wedding... it was as if my mother, sister and brother were the center of attention, at least that is the way they behaved even towards my wife's family).
Good luck, stay strong and visit this board (although I find staying away from the rants and focusing on the 'it wasn't me, there was nothing I could do posts are beneficial, ranting has it's place, but, you should focus on acceptance and healing... much easier said than done as evidenced by visits to this board five years out.
Incidently, when I was 18 my parents and I went to family therapy (20 years ago). The therapists immediately recognized Axis II personality disorder and recomended (practically insisted) that I remove myself from that atmosphere the day I graduate high school (which was weeks away, at the time). The day after I graduated I did (I knew they were f'ed up), only to fall back two years later.
