Finding voicefulness......losing......finding.....practicing..

[Meh]

I'm going to go try my meditation class again just for the sake of not hanging out at the shelter.

~ Now I'm back from the class, it was very good, there was a talk afterwards that was fun to listen to about karmic doom and destruction and duality and it was much better then listening to shelter people having burping contests.

Faith as described by a flyer on the Buddhist center wall is two things: genuineness and gentleness or something like that. That is part of why I like Buddhism because it doesn't make any sense at all. The description of faith says nothing about belief that good will happen in the future.

During the meditation part I got bored, after a while I looked at the artwork on the walls, noticing the lotus blossoms that the dudes are sitting on.
So I figured it might help me to meditate if I imagined myself on a lotus blossom (I know thinking mind) any-who I let myself think when I meditate, I figure why fight the thinking mind? So I'm sitting on a light pink, many pettled lotus blossom. There were a few moments when the lotus blossom could have been a carnivorous plant but then it finally transformed into a sturdy tame lotus. Then I looked ahead of me and I was looking at a mirror image of me sitting on the lotus. Right about this time the meditation was over and the leader started to talk and ding the bell. Ding-ding. So I lost my little visualization but it was fun while it lasted.

So then after that was the talk part where some intense-wild looking guy started talking about some concept and it all sounded like turmoil and grief and problems --like a different version of an ACOA meeting might be, so I wondered if doing this is just as good as going to an ACOA meeting. I sort of hope so.

Started thinking tonight how depression is a label of sorts and so is Narcissism to be fair. I thought well what would these people be if they all shared certain habits and behaviors but were not labeled--they would still be a type of person or a STYLE of person maybe.

Guess what, today I had tea with everybody else at the meditation center, I'm glad that I had my tiny little step at attempting to act like I am acceptable. There is one person there, one of the leaders that is going out of his way to make me feel welcome as a new person-so that makes it easier for me to be there standing with my tea cup and feeling awkward about what to say and who to say it to because that is the etiquette to talk to people.

Buddhism has a lot of room for turmoil and suffering and those things get addressed a lot. So for a while I will continue with the classes as I can. I feel guilty for attending and not paying but if they are going to have them and there is extra space then I might as well be there.

Truth be told its a pretty small group.

I imagine that they think in principle they should allow people to attend without paying but they probably resent people who actually do it. I think they put the verbage out there about the policy of being open even for people who are unable to pay but maybe they still dont like it. But that is sort of their problem for now because Buddhism has some rules and standards and after all it is sort of the Dali Lama who started all this.

[Hopalong]

What a gift to the group, you are, MB.
There are different forms of payment, and one is "showing up" on the level that you are. That kind of practice seems to be working cooperatively with some structure well inside you. (I understand what you say about needing certain dogma-things to be absent, so you can be present in a spiritual activity.)

If you just keep showing up to it, find your own visualization and trust that you belong (words are just sounds humans make up; none of them can exclude you from the permission to exist you give yourself)...maybe this is what/where/how.

Thank you for the Wordsworth, too.

Hops

[Meh]

Thanks Hops!

"80 percent of success is just showing up" — Woody Allen

[Meh]

This morning I'm thinking that Nar-ways go against a natural nature and order of things.

In religions of all sorts there is a right way to live and a wrong way to live. The right way to live in theory prevents problems/bad karma while the bad way creates more problems/downfall/karma/hell etc.

I'm not sure how much I believe in religion but I think it's good to realize that the difficulty probably doesnt come from our own weakness but from the results of parents "wrong-living". Things such as abuse, lies, alcoholism, nar-habits are bound to cause problems.

Samsara is translated into something like: "The Wheel of Suffering".----See---See why I dig Buddhism so much? They get it!
So do I, I get the wheel of suffering thing, I'm an expert at it!

Ok, I'm cutting myself off of this message board until 5:30 PM today. Bye Board.

[Meh]

Back to board a little bit early.

I did my volunteer gig, just sent some info off to the director, I'm concerned that I'm not "good enough" because I really have not been cultivating my skills in an academic environment. So I'm sort of stressed out.

I'm overwhelmed. I have my weekly yoga class tonight THANK GOODness.

On the inside I feel like I'm not good enough. I need to be careful not to depreciate my SELF. I just wonder if one of the student interns would be better?

There are so many projects going on, I can't believe all the things this woman has got happening in what appears to be a very disorganized manor, this woman is like a power house of ambition. I'm very methodical and into clarifying details...but more about that later. I asked her a question about liability insurance who would carry this for the project and it was interesting. 

My little heart is worried about every thing (big span of the arms motion here gesturing towards the horizon).

The director told me today she is going to have me write a grant. I have no idea what is going on and I think a look of fear came over my face when she said that to me.

I swear to god I did not misrepresent myself, I said I wanted to volunteer they didn't ask to see my resume or anything.

She asked my if I have ever written a grant and I said "NO" with fear on my face and she said "That's ok!, you can do it, it's  just like journalism"

She saw me reading a book so I guess that = I'm a journalist.

I don't know. Deep breathing here, I wait to see how she responds to the last thing I sent her step by step, each time I give her something I'm very careful to see if she approves or not.

Crossing my fingers. I WANT TO WORK on the grant.

I'm so overwhelmed. So instead of organizing and planning, I'm going to start running in front of all these things whizzing about in my mind.

Got to go. FINGERS CROSSED and tearing up because I'm overwhelmed and hopeful and excited but not sure if I'm in the right place at the right time? I hope I'm the right person for this!!!!!

Write more later. I'm so glad this board is here. It's like the best friend that I don't have.

[lighter]

Whoo hoo, write Muffin, write.

Feeling your not good enough is probably one of the things that will drive you to do excellent work writing that grant!

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Okay, MB...no more whizzing.

How about a quiet hug for yourself?

But a calm one.

Like a peaceful, confident friendly hand. Reaching over and patting you. (NOT poking, prodding or pushing!) Just a friendly, peaceful "pat."

Yup. MB, you are an intelligent woman who writes very well.

Grants are not mysteries. They're just a format.

She CAN teach you or show you. And you can do it.

(SO tickled for you. Yabba dabba doo!)

Hops

[Meh]

To top it off, a paramedic flirted with me today while he was on his lunch break. Not that I take this stuff seriously but it's a nice entertainment every once in a while. That someone would even flirt at all...sort of makes me feel human. I'm not really much of a flirt, mostly I just smile politely and stare at them a little bit shocked.  

Thank goodness I got dressed up for my volunteer gig because I would never get dressed up thinking that a paramedic would flirt with me.

Yes, I just emailed the director a few mins. ago and told her I would be glad to work on the grant. I know I gave her a worried look at first so I figured I better confirm it. The whole thing is a bit confusing, it's that creative-people-chaos thing, well it's confusing because today she said verbally to me again that the other group doesn’t have the time to manage this project. So I think she is asking me in an oblique way if I want to do that? I would only be doing it as a volunteer pro-bono as far as I know. The other group had money for an intern.

Still just keeping an open mind and my fingers crossed.

I actually have always wondered about grant writing. This director seems willing to give me opportunities and some hands-off mentoring.

I'm just waiting to see what happens, I'm worried that she is going to figure out that I'm really dumb!
I mean I know that I have some insights some of the time.
I guess I don't want to disappoint, you know what I mean?

Still, going back to fingers crossed, being gentle to SELF...

--Oh I can hear that my poor neighbor woman in the shelter got groped while she was waiting in a line with homeless guys. –That kind of stuff absolutely sucks. That is exactly why I avoid some of the resources that are out there because showing up for them can be a risk for single women. 
When it comes to this level of social services it's a very good idea to segregate by sex. I just knew she was going to have a problem when she told me she was going to go check it out.

Yoga soon. 

[Meh]

Thanks, Lighter and Hops,

I keep on talking myself into it!!!

[Meh]

This board is like a crutch for me at the moment.

While walking back "home" from the yoga class tonight with another woman from this place, she told me that I was able to describe things well, same things that she had "in her head" but was unable to get out. I can't help but to think this board helps me with that. There are definitely times where my ability to articulate really declines. So I'm glad for being able to come here and just write.
I also imagine that the woman listening to me talk her ear off is benefited by it also in some little way. We ended up having an honest laugh-out loud moment on the walk home and it was really great. She is the one who has a very slight build and is struggling with some sort of physical issue. It's really good that I can laugh and share it with someone else who probably needs to laugh.

I have been more chit-chatty recently.


--So I volunteered to do the grant and she responded to me, she wants me to do it so Yay! I guess.
I really want to get excited about it, but I feel worry.

What I'm noticing is that some people would naturally pat themselves on the back and feel proud of themselves and it would show on their face that they are proud. I don't do that really, it's a big stretch to really FEEL that. Just an observation. I'm almost wondering if I can bring my inner child in on that. Oh, and by the way I think my inner child may even approve of the volunteer project I'm working on! Another bonus.

The volunteer project is a good thing for me to do on many different levels, it’s very creative in scope and I love that so it's truly in alignment with my values and passions. It benefits the community in numerous ways. It feels like it could open doors for people, not just me, albeit little mouse doors but still....opening doors is a really good thing. At first I didn't realize how many projects were going on with this organization, this woman is amazing to me--I guess she probably needs a person to pour over all this paperwork and figure it out because she is more like one of those outgoing social people and that's her gift. She has a lot of energy, if I ever get through all of this, one day maybe I will send her a flower arrangement and tell her how important it was for me to be involved in the work she is doing.

If I do have an interview and someone asks me what I am doing I can say I'm meeting with directors and writing grants, it sounds much better then "nothing"...I just hope the shelter director sees it as positively as I do.

Someone hugged me tonight, the yoga teacher did. She is really a sweetheart, I plan to find some treasure-object I have stored away somewhere so I can give her a little gift-probably one of my mini-paintings. Sitting on the yoga mat I noticied that it had once belonged to someone with the initials (MB) because that was marked on the corner in ink--MB- just like Muffin Buster.

[Meh]

I'm intensely engulfed in my life, I think it's justified for me to have all of this self-centered energy right now and yet I still question it a little bit. This doesnt represent balance.

I had this friend in high-school that I dearly miss, we would sit on the beach near railroad tracks and we could share anything with each other.
That kind of exchange has not been a part of my life for a long while especially not with the kinds of conversations I have had, mostly the conversations are a monitoring process and proving that I am staying on track and doing what I'm suppose to be doing--that's very authoritarian. Friends are not authoritarian at all instead friends meet each other on common ground-that almost seems like a surreal space. I still can't explain the friendship I had with this person from highschool it was just so different like it was from another planet.

I'm tired, G'Night!

[lighter]

MB:

Perhaps you ca rekindle that connection with your old highschool friend?

It sounds like it was a healthy reciprocal relationship that built you up.

Hope you slept well.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

WOW MB....

Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of fun happy things you have to talk about! I'm so happy for you!

It sounds like your methodical detail oriented self is exactly what will compliment the director's 40 directions at once, social butterfly director needs. Someone to help keep her on track, you know? Keep her focussed on the goals, while you're attending to the details necessary to meet those goals. Perfect.

Grant writing... well... it's probably not as hard as it sounds. Usually, you'll have instructions about the form the grant will need to take - and a list of things that need to be submitted. And the creative spark - well, that's probably going to be explained to you by the director... so all you'll have to do is "translate" it into the form that the instructions lay out. Maybe you can look at some other successful grant applications, too - for some ideas.

In reference to your worry... feeling not good enough too... at one point, I realized the actual feeling I was feeling was actually excitement and anticipation - looking forward to something... but that I'd learned (god knows where/how) to interpret this feeling in my mind, negatively instead... as anxiety and worry and self-doubt. And when I allowed my mind to look at it as excitement... yes, yes it really was... and though I wanted to do well... I was able to relax into that feeling of wanting to do well... and figure out what that required; how it would be measured and that enabled me to do well... instead of "experiencing" that feeling as anxiety, worry, self-doubt.

I don't know if this is just something weird about me... but I thought I'd share it, in case you want to try this and see if it works for you too. Because when I realized my feeling was excitement instead of dread/worry... I was able to pat myself on the back and just enjoy a private smile to myself about those things... ok, maybe I did a little "happy dance" when no one was looking, too! 

[Meh]

So tired right now, cooked a big batch of teriyaki chicken for the shelter, it took all night to defrost, marinade and bake. I have never cooked big bunches of food before oh well, must appease the forces that be. Attempted to make foodbank fare into gourmet meal, didn't quite work out. Live and learn. I think I made one new friend at least for the attempt. I can't believe this week has gone by so fast.

As I was standing in the foodbank line today, snow started blowing around, it's formed a white blanket now and I'm in bed wondering what the morning will look like. I think I may have come a little closer to some kind of forgiveness for my own sake.

While I was standing there I thought it was like a scene from a movie.

I didn't go to the ACOA meeting tonight. Maybe next week.  

[lighter]

I hope you slept well, Muffin.

Lighter