In fairness to my inner and past selves...
I guess that I probably DO need a lot of validation, reassurance and encouragement... to believe that it's OK to act in my own self-interest without overcompensating and eggshell dancing around other's interests (since when have I been able to accurately predict what those disputed issues might be ANYWAY??) My experience has been that I've paid a very high price every time I attempted to act in my own self-interest (though granted, the "experiences" are based on selective memory...)***
But, "experience" is based on a whole complex set of criteria - a past "present moment" with millions of variables - so to always believe that past experience can be applied to present situations... and that those actions <--> reactions will be consistent with past experience... is well, a rather "primitive" belief. Sort of like believing magic spells that are based on something belonging to a certain person will have an effect on that person. The fear-based "experience" of our brains extrapolates that past experience and projects it on a completely new set of variables... when only one or two of the criteria match between the present situation and the past. Completely missing all the differences... discounting them... dismissing them, even... therefore, not even accounting for them...
... and then those amygdala brain systems engage emotions... and ZOOM... we're off on a re-run of a past situation - in our experience, anyway. Replaying the old emotional audio-video tape... the old roles... probably making the same mistakes... and yet still hoping for a completely different result. But, this is one of the more primitive parts of our brains - three fries short of a happy meal in the cognition and meaning and understanding department. It's not one of the more "higher functioning" parts of our brain.
We have to rely on other parts of our brain (that aren't emotionally stimulated) to intervene and say: "Hold up... that "snake" isn't moving... and look: it has 2 maybe 3 "arms" or branches... oh DUH... it's just a stick" before we are able to send the order to the self-defense troops to stand down; false alarm. And then it takes some time for the adrenalin to drain down to normal levels, the shakiness to wear off... and to be able to laugh at how we scared ourselves.
There are states of consciousness that are less susceptible to this re-run (or triggered emotion) effect. A sense of being present in and aware of one's body and the more all-encompassing awareness of meditative states, for example. Both use breathing awareness to put the brakes on the runaway amygdala train LONG ENOUGH that other parts of the brain can get alerted that they need to participate in the process... and can head off the primitive fear-based self-defense parts of the brain before the false alarm is sounded.
***
It is ironically fascinating that my memory likes to store those past experiences that didn't go well more often than the experiences that did... and assign way more importance to them, than the probably zillions more experiences I've had that were a lot more pleasant. A morbid fascination, I guess, with learning the "don't ever do that again" lessons... or perhaps, it's the impact of trauma (and for me, the ming-boggling emotional-trauma aftermath that made things so much worse)... that temporarily "broke" the communication system between the parts of my brain that gives the "stand down" orders to the amygdala...
... and I jumped to the wrong conclusion; I assumed that once broken - always broken; and that the old experience of trying to survive (act in my own self-interest) would have serious, awful consequences.
There is also an attachment issue here... an infant cries in discomfort (acting in it's own self-interest)... and when the response is neglect, isolation, or angry and resentful treatment... that infant internalizes the "never do that again" lesson of very bad results when acting in one's own self-interest.
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We are more than our brains and emotions; we also have a physical body. It stands to reason, for me at least, that if my brain and emotions can elicit physical sensations in my body... that it should also work the other way 'round - like in my example of being centered and aware of my body... like Iz's nerve-related gnashing & clattering of teeth - those are electrical signals that contain "data"... the brain is just the central processing server... and all the nerves, muscles and sensations of the body send their data to that "server"...
... and it's just possible, maybe, that if I can generate enough physical "feel good" sensations over a long enough period of time - food, exercise, proprieception, comfort - maybe this will ultimately nudge my selective memory over into a focus on more pleasant memories... and let go of the bad ones... and make it easier for me to engage in what is in my self-interest, more angst free.
