Hi (((Hops)))
First, I'm so sorry this hurts so much.
It frightens me for you, and your D......
there are no good decisions, I'm afraid. Only less terrible ones, but on the bright side, any new decisions you make could lead to something positive for your d, as well as negative.
The pro's of getting rid of the phone are.....
1. You'd be respecting, completely, your d's very clear stated boundary. All the sudden, POOF!...... for the first time, she'd get exactly what she asked from you. Maybe she'd think to herself..... "Wow, that wasn't exactly what I expected to happen. I guess maybe I pushed it a bit too far, and maybe I want my phone back on so I'll call her, and see if she'll do that for me."
2. She might not have any other way to get on the internet, and she may decide that being poor AND cut off from her data services sucks so bad..... she asks you for help again, which of course you'd have the choice to engage in, and surround with boundaries of your own. She might get so ticked off, that anger moves her into positive action, and she ends up improving her situation, which isn't all bad either.
3. She might end up on her roomie's phone all the time, make more trouble for herself, and get evicted, leading to her breaking down, admitting she needs help, and asking someone for it, even if it's not you.
4. She might use her roomies's phone, and complain about you so much her roomie sits her down, explains that it's not working, and that she's bitten the hand that feeds her, yours, and that she's overstepping his boundaries, and she'll have to go, or find solutions. Solutions require getting a phone elsewhere, or money to provide one for herself. He isn't her mother, and he's not obligated to provide food, housing AND data services for her when it impacts his life negatively, esp if she's her character flaws make it hard for her to show gratitude, and be humble under his roof. At some point, cold hard reality might be necessary for d to see she can't get herself out of this uncomfortable place without help from someone, or some agency. Maybe that's what it will take to get her to admit she can't go on this way.
The unintended consequences, or negative consequences might be that d spirals completely out of control, and harms herself, or ends up in a situation where she's harmed.
That's the big concern, isn't it? That's the unbearable unintended consequence, and since she's ill it's just too hard to qualify the true weight of that decision without input from someone in contact with her IRL. I wonder if sm speaks to the roomate? What does the roomate feel would help?
If the phone really is a life line, and something that keeps her in touch with the world, and functioning, and applying for jobs, then it would feel too terrible to take it away, even if it's just respecting the boundary she herself put in place, right? I wish you could call her on the phone, and say
Hey, as painful as it is, I finally accept your NC boundary, and I'm going to honor it, starting at the end of next month with the phone service, unless sooner would be better. If you want me to shut it down today, or next week I can do that too, you just need to let me know, and I'll honor it. With that, I accept that any contact will start with you, not me, in the future. I love you, Goodbye. ::click::
What happens if she has a completely break down? What are the services in her area? She'd likely end up in the emergency room, under observation, on an involuntary status. The roomate might be the one to make that call. In our State, attorneys volunteer to represent those folks, and help determine what the next move is when their hearing comes up in 10 or so days to determine whether they're released or stay longer. Maybe 14 days, not sure, but there are caring professionals at the next stage working with them to get them services, housing, and care...... crisis management services in other words. Not sure about Florida, but it would comfort me to know what the likely outcome of a breakdown would be, and to feel it might be the best chance for someone I love for growth, medical care, and services that would impact her life positively.
You know there's always another hand with me, so......
here d is, working toward gaining employment. Would taking the phone derail that completely? IS she working towards improving her life? Is she just getting worse, with no real hope for getting better? I'd be more likely to cut off the phone if I thought it would lead to things getting better, eventually, even if they get worse first.
Either way, cutting off the phone would change something, and with addicts letting them hit rock bottom is often the kindest things we can do for them, bc that's when they can't deny or minimize any longer. That's when they have to make the hard decisions, right?
I know your d isn't an addict, but she's in denial, and struggling with disordered thinking, and what does sound like ODD, and ADHD, on top of the bi polar. Wow, that is scary to read, Hops.
Just doing nothing, and keeping the status quo seems to be the less threatening way to go, IMO.
But, if I'm looking down on the situation as if it's my own, and thinking about getting someone to the next difficult phase, that requires SOME CATALYST, unfortunately a negative one to get someone's attention, or some agency's attention, then I'm going to really consider withdrawing any enabling behaviors, out of love. This is what your friend is telling you, and I completely GET that, but.....
Since your child is ill, it's not so easy a call.
That brings me to staying in touch with the sm, as suggested in earlier posts.
My first thought was to send her the 80.00 a month, and tell her she's welcome to get another phone service set up, if she thinks it's the best idea, and would lead to a job, and maybe getting job training, but if there isn't going to be a better job, or training... maybe not.
And IS keeping the phone service another thing you do that ticks your d off? She asked you to STOP, and yet there you are, providing that darned phone, and she's too weak to cut it off herself, and so she's conflicted, and angry and it doesn't help anything if she's getting worse, not better, through the unwanted, and unasked for gesture, right?
Secretly, I believe the best possible outcome would be if your dd realizes she's miserable, broke, hungry, and SO uncomfortable, she HAS to make a change, and goes about doing that in what will likely be messy, scary, uneven, two steps forward, a stagger back, but maybe that's the best chance she has at seeing what adult responsiblity really and truly is. How out of her depths she is, and how much help she needs to truly get on track, and in a place of comfort, and independence. She seems to want to be those things, but she hasn't actually taken stock of the actual moving parts involved.....
adequate health care;
training for employment;
taking responsibility, and resisting blaming others;
receiving continued health care that makes it possible to get, and keep a job.
She says she wants those things, but she;s not really doing what she needs to do in order to achieve those things.
You want them for her desperately.
She seems to be spending a lot of time on line, distracting herself, keeping herself from focusing on the hard decisions, IMO. IS the phone service you provide her link to the internet? Does she have a computer, in her basement, on wifi? What would the impact of losing her phone service truly be?
She said to stop contacting her, but she didn't say she wanted you to cut off the phone service if I remember correctly. It just slips by, without comment. IMO, her latest request includes cutting off the phone, and that's just respecting a boundary she put in place, but since she's harmed you, and continues to harm you, I don't know if a small part of that is me wanting her to feel a little discomfort.... a little unintended consequence of her actions, kwim? She may not have intended for you to treat her like an adult, after this last contact, but that's exactly what she asked you to do. Respect her by completely withdrawing all contact, help, and expectation. Well, would it help for her to live with the consequences of her request? Completely? For once?
You don't want to cut off that phone, in case it's the final straw that breaks her sanity, but I think it's not likely that her sanity hinges on that one one thing. It's a combination of things, and IMO she;s as likely to find positive change as she is negative if you cancel phone service.
If I thought it was the one thing keeping her alive, I'd certainly not cancel it, Hops. No one can know. You can ask the roomate, perhaps, and the sm, but you can't actually know, and that makes a decision difficult.
I wonder if you could filter services, and help through the sm in any way?
If you could make a request..... help d, in any way you think best, here's X amount of dollars, don't tell me about your plans, but use it if you think it will get her help/training/mental health care/dental work, etc,. and move her into a better space if it's possible.
That's a lot of rambling, but I hope it helps, (((((Hops))))).
Lighter
