Thanks, Amber and Lighter. A lot.
You're both wise, rich with nuggets from your own deeply lived pasts, and truly generous to share them. Thank you.
I think what I was reporting on was some fear I was feeling at her re-emergence. I love her still, but it's more the memory of her before bipolar and the other diagnoses took over. And in nearly every single situation with a narcissistic person I've found in my life (and I sniffed them out like a hunting dog) -- I've taken the love and forgive route and kicked self-protection to the curb. I do love my daughter and I do forgive her, but the gradual changes in her character (or reveals of it) caught me those years ago unaware, uncomprehending, flinging myself under the tractor wheels. I just wasn't able to believe that someone I thought loved me, would take pleasure in hurting me. Then I recognized her expression one day, which her father had shown, too. A little smile when I was absolutely devastated on the canvas.
I don't blame her because blame is the deadest of dead ends. But I got around to recognizing that in my situation, without family support or allies, I had to learn I need to be all of it for myself. (I think Tupp may feel a similar resolve.) And if I had a sister, or a trusted cousin, for sure I'd tell them all my truth. Now I'm reaching for some closer relationships (sisterhood style) here IRL that have always been possible, but I couldn't see. Love and support still available, I just had to open up, forcing myself out of isolation, and what was I always preaching? Allowing for the possibility of good things happening?
I am glad you both reminded me....I have to allow that for my D, too. Just a couple semi-hostile or critical emails from her had sent me cringing again. But I won't get stuck there, promise.
Boundaries are everything. I still sense her pure self missing somewhat having a mother. A little tendril from all the trauma she's been through waving in my direction for comfort. And I surely have the tendrils, too.
I've noticed a weird feeling of unexpected ease in my heart. It's as though the stump of an amputation stopped hurting, and I'm moving through my days without much anxiety (moments sometimes) and with a feeling of new peace. I won't fantasize because fantasizing is always my downfall. So, NO plans/expectations/specific hopes/daydreams/wishes/hopes/grand new roles allowed. I really do know this. I'm freer, better, more at peace without them.
Sorry I'm so hypervigilant about that, Lighter. Not you, but "it" (the daydreams) are threatening to me. I lost years hoping and fantasizing and won't get them back. What I CAN to is go forward taking each present day as it comes, and if messages from my D are part of one now and then, finding my center and not letting the pathos and misery of her situation "hook" me into fixit fantasies.
Yes, I need to allow for the possibility of good things happening. I just won't imagine myself as the driver of them. Motherhood is gone for me. Loving this child doesn't have to be gone; being vulnerable to her does.
A brutal truth. But I did learn it.
hugs and more thanks,
Hops
PS -- Irony smacked me upside-a-da-head when I read this right after writing this post to y'all. It's not about a parent-adult child situation, but you'll see the parallels. I'm referring to the first letter, and Hax's reply. (Free link's good for a week, I think.)
https://wapo.st/3tQJf2c
