Erin - hon!
Of course, we're all flawed - all of us. No human being is perfectly wonderful, competent, smart, pretty.... (fill in the blank).... in sum total, and if it APPEARS that someone is... for sure, this is only a momentary, fleeting, transitory copacetic moment in time. Doesn't take much at all for things to flow back to "normal, fundamentally flawed" again. Sometimes, just the tick-tock of another moment.
I don't think that makes everything suck, or hopeless or that this perception condemns one to a life sentence that precludes ever experiencing those wonderful, cool, easy, happy moments. Because I've been where you are - staring at that same space of myself - and then gone to those other moments, where it felt so good to simply sit in the sun and listen to the birdies. A "perfect moment" of experiencing that "all's right with the world (and me)".
It's my theory - and it's only my theory (I read a lot; but that still doesn't make me an expert)... that this kind of awareness with that kind of feeling and judgement of ourselves... is what some kids begin to think is a TRUTH - a FACT - about themselves when they have parents who don't meet the child's emotional needs: to be recognized as a separate person, to be loved, to feel safe... to feel "allowed to take up space" - to just BE ---------- without conforming to a complex set of rules, jumping through hoops, proving ourselves to be worthy of being loved.
It's kind of a paradox, really. Hard to think about rationally and to put into words. But, if there is a fundamental flaw in you; in me - that paragraph right above sums it up. And guess what, sweetie? THAT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. It's NOT a direct result of something wrong in you; you're not an awful person............ you felt that way when your kid-logic was in control and decided that since "mommy's always right" and "mommy won't love me unless I am _____________" and since "I know I'm not __________"
your kid-logic then came to the conclusion that there was something inherently "wrong" with you, yourself, and all that you are.
Kids think a LOT of strange things, don't they? But "good enough" parents take notice of this... and provide alternative perceptions, ideas, FACTS, and reassures the child that no matter what, I'll always love you "THIS MUCH". When you grow up without that - I can tell you from experience that one's whole focus can be warped into constantly trying to measure up to what we believe... other people's conditions for finding us worthy... are. So I'm going to share my strange, goofy, flawed path of how I've been working on this with you. I hope I remember everything (I'll be back, if I realize I didn't!).
We can fix this gaping abyss of yearning, longing, miserable feeling of unworthiness - there is inner child work, where we learn to mother ourselves. Therapy of course, provides some guidance and feedback on this, too. We can "take back" our own self-respect, our own power and self-worth... and proclaim - Sorry, "Mother" -- I'm afraid on this point you were as wrong as you could be... I DO MATTER A LOT. To ME. And then find ways to practice this, in our lives... until it really feels like "us".
He only judges me by the way I present myself, the things I do. I don't know if he'd still want me if he really understood me. I have tired, to make certain sure for my own peace, to get him to see how messed up I am, but I can't make him see.
Right here, you've summed up exactly what I imagine you felt as a child, with your mom. Understand - it was ONLY your mom who didn't understand you and judged your worth only by what you do. ONE PERSON; not everyone. I doubt, from some of your descriptions, that your hubs is anything like your Mom. It's pretty clear
and that you and your mom weren't a good match; but that's just ONE relationship... your hubs is a different person; your relationship with him is therefore, also different. And remember, to some extent (not completely) you are the way you present yourself and the things you do. Some of that is REALLY you, too. You might not be able to tell him - yet - what all those feelings, thoughts etc are, that are running through your head. When you are able, I'm gonna bet he understands just fine.
From the sounds of things, what you've written lately... I think you're on the verge of really breaking into a whole new (and happier) perception of yourself. Sometimes, even a beginner's attempt at setting a boundary with the old Nmomster - and you did very, very well in your latest encounter - is enough to sound all the air-raid sirens of total freak-out of our unconscious memory... that "inner child"... who knows she's just broken the Number One most IMPORTANT RULE... the big taboo. But there is immense energy in those usually small, first attempts - I was way more timid that you - and that energy can propel you through your healing process. It's an unfamiliar feeling... which sometimes our brains want to assume, since it's new - it's scary. That's just the "old" way of looking at things, again. Perhaps, instead of anxiety and dread... perhaps that same physical feeling is anticipation and excitement?? Only YOU know for sure, kiddo.
Remember to BREATHE... slowly... take your time... think slowly... look at that emerald in your mind's eye again and realize that it's the flaw that makes it unique, special and important - loved. Tell yourself - it's OK, everything's all right - there is plenty of time to sort out the details... but now, it's OK to rest... to relax... to pay attention to the sun, the breeze, the happy laugh of your little boy... and the protectiveness of hubs. All's right with that world... in this one, short, fleeting moment.... and you can experience that, hold on to it, and it can get you through the scary, uncertain, freak-out times until you get to your OWN answers. Mine are just tossed out here as placeholders... a possible template. It's only what I perceive... what I see. It's way more important to decide for yourself what you see. Please customize my "placeholders" to fit your unique self! See if it makes any sense whatsover for you... if not... that's OK... I've been wrong before; I don't mind this... it means I'm learning something!
((((((Erin))))))
