I could stand accused of being upset, merely because this is happening to MY guy, Lighter - but there are so many more. Here's the deal - you CAN'T just shop around for another VA or hospital. Against "the rules". There's been talk of changing that - but it's still a 16 form process, and months wait just to get a second opinion. It was explained to me, that when the gov't "owns" you - you are at their mercy, and have to be tough to survive them too... I tend to choke on that word "owns"; to me, that reeks of slavery. No one's "patriotism" can balance that, IMO.
I did see an interesting article yesterday; criticizing the last Dem debate participants for barely mentioning the VA. But also proposing some changes which would CERTAINLY help a lot of former service members. Primarily, allowing them access to telemedicine - contacting an actual doc or nurse from a distance. One guy I know lives in rural S. Dakota. It is a 3 hr drive (one way) for him to be at the closest VA hospital to him. Fortunately he's an experienced doctor himself.
I went off to the studio myself; the plan was to start working on a sewing project to replicate a WWII jacket for Buck but I ran into issues trying to find the proper authentic notions: zippers, button, etc. Olive drab velcro. Next thing I knew, I was checking out websites for support of military wives. Mostly managed and offered by other military wives.
DOD itself, mentions "injuries" and caregiving for returning injured service members; the catch is the ONLY thing discussed is PTSD. I understand how important that is; but golly gee guys... these soldiers get shot, blown up, and even run over by equipment. Why no discussion of physical disabilities?
Hol and her friend John gave me a couple options for buying those notions; one is a Hollywood costume/wardrobe expert and the other was a maker's web forum. Lots of re-enacters there. I'm using an actual authentic jacket as my reference; I considered pulling it apart to scavenge pockets and such, but on closer inspection there are a LOT of pockets. So Buck will get both of them for Christmas. (He likes it when I make him things; not so much me buying him gifts - but he IS letting me send him non-traditional, herbal medicines that I thoroughly research and offer as a substitute. Always with the caveat that it may not do a blessed thing to help; and how to take it so as to avoid any allergies or severe side effects.)
So, last night, we addressed the mortality rate of people with these kinds of injuries and medical devices. And his frustration over needing the one thing left on the list to be fully functional again (AFTER getting his infection under control). The way I see things (and Hol too) is that anyone can pass at any time or age; and that I can accept the hardships of his situation... with the one condition, that we squeeze every single ounce of happiness and joy and dancing out whatever time we have together. He complains a lot; is easily frustrated by all the obstacles - and refusals - to treat the infection. That's expected. Also, his focus on it too. But he can STILL choose to be happy and have fun NOW - because he is NOT an INVALID. I sometimes believe that this asinine VA system actually CREATES more PTSD for people. Definitely triggers people. But I'm comfortable dealing with that, with him. He is very considerate about not dumping emotionally on me. So, to help, I have to be very direct with my questions - even when all I can do is make him laugh or smile.
And as a result of that input, he actually slept longer than 2 hrs at a time last night. He won't use sleep medicines; they trigger all kinds of things he'd rather not dream about or act out in his sleep. I might suggest melatonin, because the sleepytime tea - camomile & valerian - isn't effective. He's trying to solve his dilemmas by thinking his way through it obsessively; and that keeps him awake at night. He NEEDS sleep to rectify the balance of his immune system (which is very strong in spite of the bacterial infection). That's my next workaround to outsmart the docs and help him hang in there - until he moves here, and has access to a better hospital system.
I keep checking in with myself on this decision; to get involved with him in the first place. Making sure I'm not over-extending myself or setting myself up to get blindsided by something. We're starting to discuss logistics of the future move, too. And that's helpful; we learn how to work together. Even as set in our ways as any two people our age will be. And it's VERY INTERRRRESTING (cue: Arte Johnson voice...) that after the initial smashing of intense emotion with him that I can see how we are weaving into an "us"... and that takes time...
the same way there was an unweaving of the us I shared with Michael. He is very understanding, when I mention Mike... and talk about some things. He lets me process, the way I need to. And he is very good at cheering me up, when I go to my "dark places" too. Very gently & kindly for such a big, badass tough guy.