2019 Farm Life

[lighter]

Amber:

I want to go on record reminding you that Buck's choices don't just effect him, and his life...  they affect your life also, right?

I'm sure that it's difficult for Superman Special Forces Buck to receive help..... I find it difficult and I'm none of those things.  IMHO you have a SuperAmazon Cape, and you should be allowed to wear it, bc this is your shared life in the balance.  It's not just the quality of HIS life.  It's a shared life.

It would be very sad if you dawned your Cape, swooped into action, helped Buck get the help he desperately needs in a timely manner, then find he's resents you so much the relationship is irreparably harmed.   That's not acceptable, nope nope nope.

That's one of the worst possible outcomes I can think of, and there are many terrible outcomes to ponder, IMO.

I have to say... if he commands you to stand down.. if he commands you to leave your cape in the closet..... if he continues moving towards bad, and worst possible outcomes.... what does that mean for the relationship in your opinion?

I don't know what you'd be if you had to watch the worst happen, while sitting on your hands, then deal with the worst possible scenario. 

Maybe contacting news stations,  and 60 Minutes, etc would be helpful.  I know the Vet services is in the news right now, with whistle blowers getting punished, and bad actors getting away with what they're doing.

Whatever you decide, I'm sure you'll have thought it through.

The Holly Hut is light hearted stuff compared to this health crisis. 

I'm sure I'd have to have Buck's infection tested, and treated..... maybe that's what needs to be documented and shared with the world through the news.  This terrible journey so many vets have to suffer.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

'morning dears - no, I don't have insomnia, just went to bed early so I'm up early. I think I do my best thinking asleep.

Lighter, so far he hasn't told me to stand down. For all his resilience he does accept help. I can be very persuasive in a logical fashion while dealing with (unknown, possible) underlying emotional traits. Once I'm 100% sure I want to and can help without going too far out on a limb.

I asked a simple straightforward question - about why he couldn't simply find a doctor somewhere else, and get a prescription for antibiotics. I was confused by his answer that it's "Federal". Antibiotics aren't regulated. The explanation is, that he has to get approval from the VA to see another doctor AND for the Rx. And there's the rub. The chains that bind.

I'm hoping to do some research and verify that for myself. Again, I am aware that policies do vary from VA to VA not just statewide, but locally too. I do trust him and don't think he's making any of this up. It's been too many years of hearing the same things and the story is too consistent for me to question his veracity. But perhaps he's missed a loophole in the policy that could be leveraged. Hard to read clearly when one is in pain sometimes.

Just like it only makes sense to let people shop across state lines for health insurance that works for THEM, at a price they can tolerate and doesn't impoverish them... why can't vets go to any doctor they want? At any time they have a need? Why are they put on a "waiting list" for approval FIRST? Who died and made the gov't God; in charge of those kinds of decisions about people's lives?

That's not the way it works on a battlefield; docs & medics & corpsmen triage those that can be saved and get them medivac'd to full service care asap. If it's resources for chronic conditions they're concerned about in the cubicles of power... then wouldn't it make sense to get this last step in the "repair" process over with so he ISN'T a drain on those precious taxdollar resources as he becomes progressively more (and more accutely) disabled?

Or are they already broke and just hiding that fact?

So, ok... I can accept that those are the conditions I have to work with, to sort this out. No ones care how bass-ackwards I think it is. Time to roll up my sleeves, dig in, and see what I can unearth in the massive amount of verbiage and obfuscatory language of the policy that I'm sure exists. Meanwhile, he's waiting on callbacks from lawyers that specialize in medical malpractice & negligence.

This crap has been going on so long, Lighter, that he's had to face giving up male ego and false pride already. He simply wants to feel better; take the lowest dose of medication possible that allows him to be functional... and not be abandoned to die by the same gov't he gave his life to for 30+ years... because they won't free him to find help outside their little crony-buddy hospital systems.

Damn right I'm going to help him. We're all gonna die someday anyway. But this is beyond the pale. Humans aren't discardable.  They're not like a toaster that gets thrown away because people are too lazy to replace a faulty element or electrical plug.

I am paying close attention to how he feels he's been singled out for this kind of abuse. I keep reminding him it's system-wide and there are LOTS of others out there being treated the same way. In some ways, that's just as important as the antibiotics... and filling the pain pump.

ETA: FIRST CLUE  The VA distinguishes between "service-related" and "non-service related" services. Because even the infection is considered to be "service related" (ie, they can argue that the infection is a common "side effect" of his surgery to repair his back functioning) -- local ERs or other docs will refuse to treat him because the VA will not reimburse them for treatment. Hence, why approval from the VA is needed first.

Grrrrrrr.

[lighter]

I don't understand why he can't go to a regular doctor, whichever can perform the proper tests, and write the prescriptions... get the infection under control... even if he has to use a false name.  Even if he pays out of pocket... how does that stack up against the possible loss of function, the pump, his ability to walk, etc?

I'm curious what a reporter would THINK about THIS journey of a Vet. 

I'm curious what would happen if Buck got the help with the infection and THEN had the VA get his pump up and running and FILL the darned thing.

I'm just not sure about the intricacies of waiting for the VA, when they're failing, are promising to continue to fail, and have no answers other than ones to promise tragedy, and loss of function, perhaps life.

How expensive can it BE to test and treat an infection?  Is expense the problem, or is it being identified as the property of the US government, therefore off limits, or can you just go to the ER, use a false name, and get a discount for paying cash for the treatment B requires?

I know hospitals are willing to give discounts for cash payments. 

I'm sorry if I seem slow on this, but it's really confusing for me.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Gosh, Skep, I'm very behind with your thread and you've got so much going on my head is swimming.  It's all very much outside my world of knowledge, particularly as your health care systems there are different to ours.  But for what it's worth, I just want you to know that you are in my thoughts and I'm quite sure if anyone can find a way through this, it will be you.  I have personally had a lot more healthcare success with 'alternatives' - herbal medicines, acupuncture, osteopathy and so on - so I think your idea to look into alternatives is a good one.  Cannabis?  I know it's legal in some states and not in others; I imagine there are insurance problems with various things but as relief for chronic pain I read only good things about it.  I hope there is some way through all of this; I hate the fact that people will stick to paperwork procedures rather than just getting people well (or at least not in terrible pain) but such is the world we live in.  I really hope there is some way of moving this along for you both xx

[sKePTiKal]

I know Lighter. It's horribly confusing. In this day & age, it's not possible to give a fake name because they want your picture ID, and insurance cards when you show up: ER, docs office, etc. And the receptionist does actually verifiy the insurance coverage. ER won't treat him until/unless VA decides whether the infection is "service-related" or not. If it is - the ER CAN'T treat him unless he's actually in a life threatening situation healthwise; sepsis in other words. And my guess is, the VA is trying to the best of their ability to determine exactly how he got this infection. There are only a couple of options - the med devices themselves; OR the surgical space/tools weren't sterilized properly; OR the post-op wound care didn't follow protocols. The first option would get classified service-related; the other two NOT.

I spent a long time yesterday trying to understand; break it down bit by bit. One of the complications is that he hasn't been processed out off the active duty roster; he's in a disabled subcategory - hence, why the evaluation in August. To see if his condition would permit returning him to active duty. It's ABSURD to us laymen, under the circumstances. And so, his first option (preferred by DoD) is VA coverage.

Now, if he can RETIRE from active duty - which would require his going back for 6 months, even if just as a trainer - the situation improves significantly. If they simply process him out of the roster - also easier. He will have more choice of docs, hospitals, etc. Then Tricare insurance become a more flexible/viable option and he can submit claims to them as his main insurance and use VA coverage as supplementary and backup. Right now it's the other way around due to his status with the Navy.

Making a wrong move now can actually jeopardize all his future coverage and benefits. There are more rules involved than a catholic girl's school for juvenile delinquents (joke, people). Now, if he has a life threatening (as in right now life threatening) situation - he's to call 911 and has 72 hours to notify VA. But if it's not loss of blood, heart attack, stroke or he's unconscious... they'll deny the claim and refuse payment to the docs/hospital. As long as he follows these byzantine rules and system... he can never be billed or have unpaid invoices sent to collections... precisely because he's "property of US Gov".

Full circle jerk, isn't it? If I hadn't done my own research I'd still have doubts about what he's already told me. But it IS the way it works. And if I wasn't absolutely convinced that he is intensely self-conscious, embarrassed (if not a bit shamed) about being believed about all this... I would suspect it was a ploy for attention and sympathy. But if I get upset about it (and I have even before we met in person) then he retreats and withdraws and clams up... just so he DOESN't make me worry or stress out. But I've pushed to try to understand what's going on - to the best of my ability. Because it COULD matter very soon. And I don't want to doubt him.

Everytime I think I understand it - I find I'm confused and can't possibly think about it anymore. It's so convoluted, twisted, and just plain WRONG it makes my head hurt. The things he has to put up with and suffer through - make my heart hurt for him. So, I do my best to stay positive and hopeful and as objective about the situation as possible.

I distract him and keep him future-focused with possibilities and plans; motivated to make it through all this uncertainty and frustration - and if I can convince him it will be OK, he's going to get a change of scenery and right in front of him major distraction... to forget about it for awhile. LOL.

[lighter]

So... they have to do a convoluted study of all the people with the implant B has, and SEE IF THEY HAVE INFECTIONS,  and break down the most probable WAY they contracted the infections?

Like... they ALLLL have infections, so it's the gear?

Or... only the ones from a certain hospital, and same post op care folks,  have the infections so THAT's the logical cause?

Or.... there's no way to figure all this out in a timely fashion, IME, AND no one to 100% that the infection was caused by A, B or C, IME. 

They're going to assign a cause, at some point, hopefully soon, and I'm curious what will inform that determination, bc it SOUNDS like they can make any determination they please, if sepsis doesn't set in first, which honestly, seems like they're first preference.

I know ranting here isn't helpful to you, and I'm sorry about that.  If I write it out it helps me process, and see things with more clarity.

I'd like to be helpful.  I will say this... there are labs, and doctors, and they don't all require ID, or insurance, and they do take cash.

If B is treated, somehow without screwing up his paper trail, which honestly IS very important, then maybe he gets back on track more quickly.  Back to fixing the implant, and filling it with meds.   This infection.... determining how he got it, which seems impossible to be 100% about, makes my brain hurt.   

I've seen docs under false names. I've not had to show my ID.   I've never given my ss to a doctor, or my children's.  The crazy contractor fellow goes to the hospital to set up surgeries, and tests... sets them up ahead, not with ER, and he pays cash at a big discount. Hernia repairs and the like.  I know he doesn't have insurance, and I don't know that he had to show anyone ID in his case.

Speak softly to B, don't despair, and distill your questions and opinions down the their shortest form before speaking about this to him, if you can..... you're a wonderful support to him,  Amber.

[CB123]

Also, if he is too far away from the closest VA hospital they will let him go to another provider. Does he have a move in his future?

CB

[sKePTiKal]

CB, yes; he's planning on coming here possibly as soon as late next summer - IF we decide that's what he wants to do at that time. And because our closest VA doesn't have the same services - he'll end up seeing docs from our VERY GOOD local medical system across the mountain.

And I also know WVU (actually further away) also has a good team - that's where my friend Ronnie went after he almost severed his spine in a motorcycle accident. They referred him to a super hospital in Atlanta for a few months of rehab... and he's out in the woods states away (and scheduled to go to Utah soon) hunting. Ronnie is a good 20 years younger than B.

And yes - I've considered and even brought up the possibility of changing the timeline; but because the timeline is based on his daughter's school year and graduation and college schedule... that's not very flexible. I've pulled every single piece of this puzzle apart looking for a magic "key" to change the situation. Multiple times. So, I come back to... because he's accepting the situation for what it currently is, and doesn't appear willing to challenge it much at all... I'm concluding there's kind of a stubborn streak under the persistence & determination & resilience. And I suppose that's natural. It's almost a prerequisite.

So... lately our communication has been flying past each other; and quieter than normal too. He accepts the fact I have to sleep and probably won't respond often after 10 pm. And I pulled another relationship horoscope chart - with a slightly different way of interpreting things - more practical terms; less psychological perspective. I realize that actually spending time face to face would give me the same information... and I seem to be craving that information before our decision deadline arrives (the list of physical challenges is quite daunting as it is). It's also a possibility he move NEAR me and not be living here. But I absolutely have to gather as much information - first hand - as I can before I take any risks in a relationship area at this age. There is only so much energy now; and I feel more acutely aware of what my capacity to give is - and how thin I can spread that - before I'm drained.

This new chart said something very interesting that I'm pondering. First off - this won't be a traditional relationship. There could be a lot of separation and individuality in it. Each of us valuing the relationship highly - but keeping our separate lives. That reads like strong boundaries to me. Simultaneously, we'll have a very strong connection - which is actually already growing from both directions. The challenges in something like this are 180 degrees different from the massive "togetherness" aspect that I've been used to in other relationships. I've experienced some friction with that much togetherness, true. But I'd be nutz not to recognize this other arrangement wouldn't have it's own challenges; albeit different ones. Granted, I have enough room at my place for us to spend the whole day completely apart from each other. Doing our own things, in our ways, without always bumping into the other.

3 of my parental relationships were the same signs; and 2 of those were excessively dominating and controlling and differently PD in their own ways. My gramma was something ELSE possible within that sign. Maternal, nurturing, a healer. All 3 of them, Creative in very different ways. So, I'm overlaying the personalities, the predilections, what I know about my Self... and trying to "see" whether I might just be biting off way more than I really want to chew in 10 years. When all that process comes full circle, I still probably won't feel confident I know anything for sure, and I'll face the leaping off a cliff inflection point again.

So I would say the excitement phase is passing. The shiny new aspect is wearing off - and now it's time to start dealing with the nuts and bolts, nitty-gritty stuff. Reality - not hopes & dreams & fantasyland. At this age, the degree of difficulty goes up in relationships - "it is known" - LOL.

For a funny and yet observant look at aging relationships, I've GOT to recommend a series on Netflix - "The Kaminsky Method". Season 2 just came out; each episode is short - Hol and I watched both seasons straight thru from afternoon to evening. Michael Bridges & Alan Arkin. And it's the kind of comedy I haven't seen in a couple of decades. Some of the lines had us crying while laughing and almost peeing ourselves. Sometimes all we can do is laugh at ourselves and life's issues.

[Twoapenny]

It's a lot of issues, Skep, and you're right that age changes things - what we want, what we can manage, where we want to be and who with.  Focuses things in a whole lot of different ways.  I do hope there is some way the two of you can have something that works for you, however unconventional, and that, at the very least, there is some way to sort some of B's health issues out.  Sounds maddening to have potential options out there that can't be explored because people are arguing about who picks up the bill.  Crazy.  I hope something settles down and becomes a bit more manageable for you soon.  And sleep - you do well to be awake at 10pm, lol.  I had a friend to stay last week and by the time I've had dinner my brain can literally manage nothing more than dishes and running a bath for my son.  I stayed up watching a show she likes the first two nights but by the third I had to say I was tired and turn in about 9.30pm.  I just couldn't do it.  So you do well to manage up to 10pm as far as I'm concerned.  Lol xx

[sKePTiKal]

We had a "phone date" last night. Way later than 10, Tupp... he's definitely a night owl. I can shift back & forth from lark to owl... but I adjust a lot more slowly.

He says he's very used to this system and being tossed back & forth while nothing gets done, and he's obviously aware that I'm not. Just by my reactions to "new developments". He's told me not to worry; that while we all think this is AWFUL and really, in many ways, unbelievable... it IS the reality. He enlisted when he was 17; the year before Nixon got us out of Vietnam. The year before I graduated High School. LOL. HE is the expert on how things work, even if we all think it should work a lot differently. And this is par for the course; situation normal, all F'd up. SNAFU.

I went down the research rabbit hole; reading everything I can pull up in the browser - both serious medical studies, and quack ideas... looking for the common threads and patterns in what is known about the bacteria and what's effective against it. So far, the BEST news I've found is coming from DNA analysis of the bacteria. There are some breakthrough treatments out there, but they are for topical skin infections - not so much the internal variety.

My herbal solutions are a poor substitute for antibiotics. There is too much distance; disparity between the establishment of the colony of bacteria and virulence of it - and the impact and ability of the herbs to deal with it. He really needs the full 10-day course of IV antibiotics.

Lighter pretty much nailed it; everything treatment related hinges on whether or not the VA considers the infection "service-related" or not.

I don't exactly give up, once I assign myself tasks like this. But I'm going to have to take a break for a couple days. Today is baking day - the experiment day - for the sourdough starter I've created. And if the kids can move the old electric fireplace out of my bedroom today - I start dismantling the concrete block & tile fireplace surround. That gives me just a bit more room in there; a possibility for changing the position of the bed (again) so I can use the door in my room for morning coffee on the deck, etc.

I've got some other things like this to attend to, as well. Holly's just as single-minded and obsessive about getting pregnant. Another of her friends just announced she is. And this is her "end all, be all" right now. She's back working on quilts and trying to be ready to make more final decisions on the hut too. Construction is moving fast; the weather is perfect for building; we're coming up on the time change and seasonal change... and there are still some important things on the to-do list.

[lighter]

You go explore that new sourdough starter, Amber.

I have one rhetorical question.

What's a vet supposed to do IF the VA determines a life threatening infection isn't something they have to deal with, and things deteriorate while they're faffing about, wasting time?

Enjoy this beautiful fall weather, Amber.

Lighter

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

I am wholeheartedly enjoying it Lighter. This is my favorite time of year - when I have the most creative energy. So bread today; oatmeal raisin cookies for Buck later. I made biscuits a couple weeks ago that turned out great. So, I'm on a roll in the kitchen. Today Hol is making chili based on her boss' recipe, because Steve has a cold/sinus infection and refuses to take anything for it. There has been some chit-chat about stubborn men, in the kitchen today. LOL.

Sourdough loaves soon to go in oven. This is the "proof" as to whether or not I was able to capture enough local yeast from my air to make this work. I used to make bread a LOT and was pretty good at it. So far, things are looking very hopeful.

I'm really longing for all the domestic activities that I set aside as a single mom and later - because most of the time - the men in my life had other plans. But Buck is a homebody too. He's already travelled a lot of the world. I'm not saying we might go revisit some of them... but I seem to always have to much to do at home to go gallivanting. I don't even get over the mountain that much; once or twice a month is the usual.

I think - while we wait for things to either get so dire the situation over-rides waiting on a decision from the VA, or they decide - we need to have other things to talk about. So, I'm forcing myself to put aside my obsession over this right now and do what I can to keep finding things for him to look forward to. We're certainly not able to speed things along, talk sense to anyone, or effect any change at the moment. So, putting it down for awhile seems to make the most sense for us.

[sKePTiKal]

Sourdough = 2; Amber = 0.

And here I thought, everything was going SO well this time. Right up until all the various raises and proofing. I still have the starter going so I'm not giving up just YET. Going back to reading again; see what I did wrong - or if I just don't have enough wild yeast in my house. (Will order some active starter; just in case I give up.)

Meanwhile, there is going to be smashing, and dust and crashing in my bedroom, as I destroy a concrete block hearth that used to have an electric fireplace in it. I'm going to carefully approach the mortar seams with a chisel to try to minimize the mess first, but I'm thinking that's probably not going to work well. Pretty well convinced the sledgehammer is my friend. Even tho the tiny tiles on the outside of it are going to fly all over the place. Sigh. Why couldn't they have used cement board?

[Hopalong]

Woo-hoo...DEMO time!
I can just imagine how satisfying some sledgehammer action will feel, Amber.
Very Amazonian.

And I really loved reading your sane, calming, accepting perspective about Buck's health. So happy to hear you turning down the flame. I could feel you regaining control and balance.

Bravo!

xxoo
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks Hops. It frequently gets too much for me and I have to step back into my own stuff awhile. Nothing else about him affects me that way; just this medical stuff he's not really in control of.

I'm in "make it change" mode, so the sledgehammer is appropriate. Hol is saying I'm not going to have the muscle to get thru it. HA. It may take me twice - or even 10x - as long as it would a couple of big farm boys. But, I NEED to expend the energy and I don't NEED - to do it the fastest easiest way. I just can't make her see that. Yes, it's daunting. Like moving a 400 lb rock. Uphill. I want to figure it out. Do as much as I can - rest - and go back at it until I'm tired of trying. I can't sit still and pay attention to anything right now. Smashing is good; smashing is fun.