Mom's: I'm open to your critiques on me.

[bearwithme]

I guess I shouldn't have addressed my post like that.  I'm not only open to what other mom's have to say but to what Dad's and other's have to say as well. 

I need some advice and I have no where else to turn right now.   I'm torn up with what to do and I feel like it's a tug of war that I'm about to lose and I feel like you all are my life raft at times when I need it most.  Here goes:

My husbands parents, who are getting up there in age, have booked a rental house for over two months this winter, on the ocean coast nearly 3,000 miles from where we live.  They have invited everyone of their children (my husband, Steve, and several of his siblings) and all the kids, grandkids, etc, to their ocean villa on the coast.  Well, all the adults have booked their trip with their kids, etc, to visit in a staggered sort of way since it's only a 3 bedroom house.  My husband's parents have asked several times when we were coming (with our 4 year old daughter).  When they first booked the rental, back in October 2011, we were all gung-ho about going, but things have changed since then.  I had to get a job because things were getting pretty tight financially, we just had bought our first house, had to get a new car and had some debt creeping up on us, so, I had to put my daughter in a school-daycare in order to make ends-meet. 

Getting the job I got was a blessing and we are thankful.  We were saved.  Unfortunately, my bosses are a bit reluctant to let me take a 10 day vacation when I haven't even passed my probationary period, etc, and also,  I don't get much my first year and that would wipe my out of any time off for another 12 months.  Regardless,  I need the job so bad, I don't dare rock the boat at this point. 

Here is my heartache.  Grandparents have caught wind that we might not go.  They adore our daughter, "Caitlyn".  She is a sweet 4 year old who is a Mommy's girl; our only child.  When talking with my mother-in-law, I lightly brushed the subject of us not being able to go, my mother-in-law said (rather coldly) "Well if YOU can't come, what about Steve? Can't he come with Caitlyn? Can't he just bring Caitlyn for a vacation with us?"  I had no response.  My heart dropped to my toes.  I have no idea why.  But the thought of my baby being so far away without me just crushed my heart.  I had never thought of that before and when she said that, I just felt weird.

When I told my husband, Steve, what his mother had asked, he said to me, "Yeah, that sounds like an idea, what's the big deal...I leave on business for several days from you and Caitlyn all the time and I don't have a problem with it."  Steve said he does miss us but it doesn't make his heart ache or anything like that.  I asked him to put himself in my shoes: that I'd be working 9 to 4 every day to come home to an empty house, and on Fridays, I would be off and longing for my daughter.  I'd just be here doing nothing but working.  Each night I would not be able to sleep because I'd be so far from my Caitlyn.  My husband travels a lot because of his job so I am used to him being away, but when it comes to my kid, it's different.  I'm angry at my husband because he is being very "smug" about it and I feel that he doesn't understand what I feel.  I know this sound so stupid and petty 

My in-laws' rental house has a pool and is on the ocean.  My child doesn't know how to swim yet and although my husband is a fabulous father, he has relied heavily on my abilities as a mom to care for our daughter like the "eyes in back of my head" thing that I have.  Get my drift?  My in-laws are getting older and have slowed down considerably.  I trust them all completely.  But for 7 to 10 days, it's just tipping the scales.  It's not like they are just baby sitting for a short while.

Steve's mom has asked again and almost demanded that Steve bring Caitlyn, but mom in law never has said, "honey, I know it's hard to leave the little ones...."  or "Hey, it's okay, you're just a normal mom...we'll figure something out...."   All my sister's in law have even said at one time or another, that they couldn't leave their kids for "x" amount of days, etc.  And not one of them ever had to in this situation!!  We left Caitlyn once for 2 days and I was so ready to go back home and see her....I think I'd be a basket case even after day 4!!  Sorry, that's just me. 

I have been wrought with guilt and anxiety over this.  I have talked with his family members since then and I get the sense that they think I'm overprotective, controlling or selfish or whatever.  I have heard a comment here and there.  I find it funny that none of my sisters-in-law are speaking up and admitting that they wouldn't do it either, especially my one sister in law that has 3 small kids who NEVER let's her kids out of her site, relatives or no relatives and I think that's fine.  So what?

  I have thought about this long and hard. I have soul searched and dug deep into the strength that I don't have. 

Truth is:

1) we can't afford to go;
2) I want to go too!
3) I know grandparents want to see Caitlyn so bad;
4)  Why can't we postpone so we can all go together, she's barely 4 years old;
5) Why doesn't my husband see how much it tears me up?
6) I'd have the worst week of my life here all alone; and
7)  I'm not ready to part with her for that long and that far away.  3,000 miles away.  Not yet.

I'm trying desperately to not sound like it's all aobut me and reading my post, it kinda does.  No?

There.  Okay. Rip me to shreds.  Am I selfish?  Am I insecure?  Am I an overbearing mother?  What is this?  Am I doing irreversible damage to my daughter and the family? 

Why am I so guilt ridden?  Is this the works of my N-mom from long ago telling me to "Please everyone but yourself, Bear."

Any input, honest input, will do me good.

I thank you again friends for letting me here to rant and share my life, as imperfect as it is, and as I.

Bear

[BonesMS]

Bear,

You are NOT being selfish!  You are simply BEING A MOTHER!  Even though I don't have children, I would be reluctant to send a 4-year-old three thousand miles away under these circumstances.  As for the husband, I tend NOT to trust men regarding their children because they seem to lack those "eyes in the back of their heads" that us gals seem to have by instinct.  (I don't know how else to describe that.)

The reason I am stating that is based on an experience I had when I went to the aquatics center in my city.  The way the pool is designed, the shallow end is divided from the deeper side via a walkway.  I had just gotten into the pool, and was in the process of acclimating myself to the water temperature when I noticed a young father crossing the dividing walkway with his very young daughter behind him.  To me, she looked to be about three or four years old.  As these two were walking from one side to the other, the child slipped, lost her balance and fell, striking her head.  Then she fell into the water where I was, which was waist-deep for me but WAY OVER HER HEAD!  I dove after her and brought her up.  For several frightening seconds, she wasn't breathing and I started doing the Airway, Breathing, Circulation check on her in preparation for either doing rescue breathing or CPR.  (Needless to say, I was SCARED SH*TLESS!)  Before I finished my assessments, the child started breathing spontaneously, then started crying.  (I was relieved that she started crying.  That meant, she was breathing and getting oxygen!)  While I was still holding her in my arms and comforting her, her father was still wandering around!  (He hadn't noticed a DAMN THING!   )  I finally spoke up and shouted at him to turn around.  He looks around, blankly, before he finally looked down and saw me holding his crying child.  THEN he asks me:  "What happened?"  I wanted to clock him upside his stupid head SO BAD!  His kid had a BAD ACCIDENT and HE DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE!  The fact that a TOTAL STRANGER was holding his child DIDN'T EVEN REGISTER IN HIS BRAIN!!!     Sheesh!!!!!

So, no, I don't trust men to have the necessary parental instincts to protect a four-year-old from danger.  Just my opinion.

Bones

[sKePTiKal]

Hi Bear!

I don't think your level of separation anxiety from your D is out of place under this specific set of circumstances. Quite normal, really. And of course, you'd like to be able to go along!! Who wouldn't? Your D is 4 - not 14. I'd be concerned that she will be anxious being away from mom that long, too... even if she understands you have to work. Anyone think about how this would be for your D?

I did see something in your description of circumstances that I wonder about, though. Do the G'parents understand your financial situation? The sense I'm getting from the conversations, is that your family is being "commanded" to appear and if they were so eager to spend time with D, wouldn't they have been able to make it tad easier for you all? I mean - I have grown kids too - and I understand that much as we'd mutually love to spend time playing together, for them to remain self-sufficient they simply don't have that freedom and time in their schedule... unless I go to them. You said you can't afford to go; does hubby acknowledge that? Can he simply explain that - "sorry to disappoint you, but..."? Or can't he be that plain, with his parents? Can you all just look at the dollars & sense of any of you taking this trip? And make a decision based on that?

Or... the first thing that popped into my head as a compromise, could you get a shorter amount of time off work? All of you go, but for less time? As a way to "keep the peace" for now?

I don't think YOU are making this all about you, Bear. And maybe I'm just a grumpy ole grandma... but I don't think it's fair for others to make you the problem, when no one's even acknowledging your feelings or the "spot" you're in, in the first place. I mean, really - isn't there a closer ocean, than 3000 miles away? I'm on the east coast and the weather's been pretty nice this winter; not summer-warm... but not bad at all. If the G'parents made the choice to go that far away... and if they knew y'all were stretching your budget... surely they can put 2+2 together to figure out they just made it harder you to participate and it's nothing more than time and finances.

And if they can't figure that out... well, maybe your worries need to be listened to.

[Hopalong]

I had some similar thoughts to PR's, Bear, and a couple others:

--You cannot make a drama at your new job or pressure them for time off. Jobs are too vital these days.
Your job really has to come first so you can keep family going.

--They chose the coast. 3000 miles is pretty darn far.

--I would not let go of my 4 year old child for 7-10 days, even if Dad was competent. For me, that's too young to be that far away. On the other hand, that's sexist of me. So it really would be critical about THIS Dad -- some Dads are more nurturing and attentive and responsible than some Moms. And I don't have a sense from your post that Steve is fabulous in that department...if he's traveling all the time, would he be handing over her daily care, or most of it, to his elderly parents and others? A little girl can feel pretty lost if she's not strongly connected to a very close and very trusted relative.

--How much THEY want to see her is secondary to what's GOOD for her.

--I think the ILs and other family need to stop demanding. I also think YOU need to stop discussing this with everyone else, because you're surrendering your authority. Don't agonize over your decision with the relatives, process that on your own (here, with a close local friend, etc.). But the more you air your doubts in front of the family, the more you'll invite them to blame, opine, or criticize.

I think it's time for a confident decision (even if you're faking it) and then, repeter:

"I am sorry but that's not going to work out. I'm just not going to send Caitlyn that far away without me being with her too, and though I'd like to go, right now I can't because of work. We're sorry to miss you but there'll be another chance to visit." END OF DISCUSSION, change subject, boundaries boundaries boundaries. Next time it come up, same thing:
--calm declarative statement (not asking for approval or support -- you are an adult making an adult decision, it's fine if someone objects)
--change subject

I think you're seeking emotional congruence that is not going to happen in this situation, wanting everyone to understand how you feel or declare you "right" and them "wrong." Meanwhile, the ILs are being unreasonably demanding and if they can go 3000 miles in winter to be by the ocean, they can go 3000 miles in the opposite direction, rent a pleasant suite, and play with Caitlyn during the day while you're at work.

Sometimes aging parents completely forget the level of stress young parents are going through, and the aging thing becomes a hook. I don't want to demonize them but this really is unreasonable, in my view. Unless you had previously promised or made a huge commitment to join them. Even if you had, though, your job and the economy trump that now, and you're just doing the necessary prioritizing.

hugs and cheer,
Hops

[lighter]

I'm thinking that you might be able to swing a flight Friday after work, returning Sunday evening, and not miss work, while getting a couple days to lounge in the sun too.  Perhaps the Grandparents could help with the expense of airfare, since they're so keen on the trip?

You could watch, and see how everyone deals with the baby, making sure they're on point, and more than capable of handling safety issues..... man I would let everyone know that this is their chance to show you that they can care for this child as well as you would.  I would let dad put C to bed, deal with meal time, and handle her at the pool and beach, and I would be quiet as a mouse, no reminders, but feeling out how well prepared he is to handle it. 

How shaky is Grandma looking?  Does she offer to do more than she can competently handle, etc?

If what you see doesn't make sense, then you take the baby home with you in a calm, matter of fact manner.

As much as my heart would ache leaving my 4yo that long, I think it would be a good experience for my child to spend 3 days or so with an appropriate/responsible father, just like she spends with you when he's gone.  The Grandparents might not be happy that they only got to see C 6 days, but it's a compromise that might work?

I hope you can work something out, and I really do understand not wanting to let your child out of your sight for so long.

You can phone every day, and talk to her if the trip ended up working out.  You can discuss issues before they come up, reminding about flotation devices, sunscreen, and pool toys, KWIM?

Lighter

[bearwithme]

You are all so good!   I needed some comfort and confidence and that is what I've gotten from you: bones, Ligher, PR, and Hops.  I am digesting all this as we speak.  Thank you.  I hate feeling so Un-strong during these time. I hate feeling defeated and that my feelings are pointless to others.  How is this an example for my daughter??? It's an awful thought for me but I have to face it, yet, if I get strength from others, then I'll take it.  I'll take it all.  Thanks!

These situations are infamous for making me feel like a failure.  I was never taught to stand strong and be "me."  Never taught to feel "okay" about my decisions and my gut reactions to things.  It was always questioned then mocked then thrown in the garbage as rediculous or not good enough.

Funny thing is, my gut told me ALL  the things that Hops and PR and the rest said.....but I smothered that voice.  I smothered it until it was silent and I was reeling and had no backbone because others challenged my control and sense of self.  It's always like I desire these situations because that is how I was raised, to be doubtful, to be insecure, to be relying on everyone else to make my decisions for me.  This I hate about myself.

Now that I'm a mom. I love my role as mom.  I need to work on this for my daughter.  Last thing I want her to see is me trying to placate people while my needs suffer for no good reason.

I'm a little ashamed here.

I know my job comes first right now and that is going to keep us going.  Thank God.  I know my gut feelings are there for a reason and not to be reckon with but have a tendency to let others break my boundaries ( a lifelong work, of sorts).

You are all full of wonderful advise.

I had some similar thoughts to PR's, Bear, and a couple others:

--You cannot make a drama at your new job or pressure them for time off. Jobs are too vital these days.
Your job really has to come first so you can keep family going.

--They chose the coast. 3000 miles is pretty darn far.

--I would not let go of my 4 year old child for 7-10 days, even if Dad was competent. For me, that's too young to be that far away. On the other hand, that's sexist of me. So it really would be critical about THIS Dad -- some Dads are more nurturing and attentive and responsible than some Moms. And I don't have a sense from your post that Steve is fabulous in that department...if he's traveling all the time, would he be handing over her daily care, or most of it, to his elderly parents and others? A little girl can feel pretty lost if she's not strongly connected to a very close and very trusted relative.

--How much THEY want to see her is secondary to what's GOOD for her.

thanks!!

Beary thankful!

[sKePTiKal]

Bear hon, you are most welcome!

When it comes to "mom-skills"... if ours wasn't very good at it, we end up observing, experimenting, educating ourselves and trying really, really hard to be different than she was. Essentially - we're making our own role up as we go along; writing our own job description. And we're not always gonna know with certainty what the the clear, obvious or "right" thing is all the time. I'll blow up that little "secret" once and for all:

NO MOM ever gets it "right" all the time. I believe the ability to apologize needs to be in the top-ten list of "good enough" mom characteristics. And right next to that one, is the ability to just say "ooops! I messed up" - toss that in the trash can - and start again. It's never, ever "too late"...

And the truth is, it really doesn't matter that much how "perfect" you are at the role either. What is more important - most important in fact - is that you CARE enough to think about just these kinds of things and that you want to find that path through all the choices in that are yours, that fits you and your family the best.

And it's plain as day to me that you care a lot.



(hee-hee... I'm available for adoption!!)

[debkor]

Hi Bear,

Just a memory from long long ago.  I was a year older then your D when I was left in my father's care for about 10 days(without mom) being around to be mom.  And he was Mr. Mom!!!!

I still remember walking with him to grade K holding his hand and wishing he could do this all the time(with my mom).   Being that kid that had to do without mom for a period of days...Dad did just Great and left me with a very special, warm, secure, loving .....Memory. 

I would always be safe/loved/secure/comforterd with either of them.  I cried when he had to go back to work.  Very important (warmed) memory for me.  I can feel all that love today as I did back 50 years ago. 

You'll miss your D and be worried but really bear there is nothing on this planet that would stop you from, flying, sailing, swimming across seas to get to your D if you need to be there (not even your job) but this could be a very good experience for her to be with dad one on one.

It was for me. 

They both took care of me.  I felt very secure. 


Love
Deb

[bearwithme]

Debkor:  Thanks for the input.  I, too, remember times with my father almost identical to yours.  Growing up with Nmom, I LOVED being with "Dad."  I can remember him showing me how Salmon swim upstream and how weather changes affect forests and  nature. 

My father was nurturing.  Thanks for reminding me.

I think you have a great point, but for this situation, it is just too far in mileage.  I  want my daughter to enjoy her father but on this trip, I don't think he will be as focused as our dads were back then.  He has 4 brothers who are party men.  They love sports and love to golf and have drinks at the bars....they get carried away, believe me, they are a riot to watch but children are NEVER involved. I know my husband would want to mix the two scenarious with built in baby-sitters being his mother and father. But it's too  stressful at that and I would worry. I'm hearing now that all the other kids' trips are overlapping to a degree and one brother just lives 3  miles from the grandparent's rental house.

I love the fact that we have had loving fathers.  I want my daughter to bond with her Daddy like no other. I will take advantage of other times, I think.  It just feels right to say that now.

Thanks for reminding me of this.  I know it's true.   

Bear

[sea storm]

Dear Bear with me,

I think that your feelings really matter.  You have a strong reaction to your daughter going into a situation where you do not think she is 100% safe. That is enough. Your radar is excellent.  You are not over reacting. These are your reactions. You mom in law is not sensitive to how your feel and tough bananas. You do not have to have elaborate justifications for your decision. Keep your little one close. She is too young to stick up for herself.

I would allow my daughter to go off with her dad to exotic vacations land and I wish now that I had not. I thought I might be depriving her of a lovely experience. She ended up thinking that I did not want her for vacations. I just could not afford them.
Claim your mighty place as your child's mom. Your instincts are telling you loud and clear what to do.

I hear you trying to placate people who are not respecting your boundary about your child. She is  a bit young to be away from mom. She will understand a separation in a few years.

This is just my opinion. The opinion that really counts is yours, dear bear with me, so walk don't wobble.

Much love,
Sea storm

[sea storm]

Hi Bear,

How are you doing?


Sea

[bearwithme]

Sea,  I'm doing great.  Thank you for asking.  My feelings of anxiety have passed and now I truly know I made the right decision.  I was there when my husband broke the news to his mother (my mother-in-law) and then he passed the phone to me after a few minutes.  She was very disappointed and focused on the fact that everyone wanted to see us so bad and that they missed us, etc.  I kept saying sorry and that no one is more disappointed than myself.  She didn't mention my husband taking the baby with him but she let me know that she was so disappointed. Yes, I felt guilty.  But after my husband and I restated the costs (amongst ourselves) of taking the trip, we knew that now was not the right time to go.

You know, it's not so bad afterall.  I worried over nothing, really.  I was so caught up in pleasing everyone else and so worried that we were being "compared" to everyone else and that we would not measure up, that I lost focus on what really matters at this moment in our lives.  Thank you to all for your never ending support and words for me to listen to.  Not only did I get support but I gained perspective here.  Yay!!

Bear

[BonesMS]

Sea,  I'm doing great.  Thank you for asking.  My feelings of anxiety have passed and now I truly know I made the right decision.  I was there when my husband broke the news to his mother (my mother-in-law) and then he passed the phone to me after a few minutes.  She was very disappointed and focused on the fact that everyone wanted to see us so bad and that they missed us, etc.  I kept saying sorry and that no one is more disappointed than myself.  She didn't mention my husband taking the baby with him but she let me know that she was so disappointed. Yes, I felt guilty.  But after my husband and I restated the costs (amongst ourselves) of taking the trip, we knew that now was not the right time to go.

You know, it's not so bad afterall.  I worried over nothing, really.  I was so caught up in pleasing everyone else and so worried that we were being "compared" to everyone else and that we would not measure up, that I lost focus on what really matters at this moment in our lives.  Thank you to all for your never ending support and words for me to listen to.  Not only did I get support but I gained perspective here.  Yay!!

Bear

(((((((((((((((((((((((Bear)))))))))))))))))))))))))))