Deprogramming

[Overcomer]

Hi everyone!!  Although I don't post as much as I used to, I am processing a whole bunch of "stuff."  My brother is having a similar meltdown to what I had ten years ago when I finally realized my mom was an N and I was so past all the control and brainwashing.  It took me many months and years to wipe myself clean from the controlling goo she had over me.

I was diagnosed with cancer almost 3 years ago and am still not free from it.  I'm about to start my third round of chemo.  I have also had 4 surgeries. 

Anyway, through my diagnosis and the realization that someday this disease will get me and that my life is really going to be cut short, emotions have been all over the place,  One thing I am realizing is that my faith is faltering.  I don't run to the Bible or a devotional to get peace.  My prayer life has virtually gone out the window.  In some ways I feel let down by God.  I know there are literally thousands praying for me and I never have a good report.  I see so many other people of faith dying and I wonder about the verses in the Bible that promise healing.  All the "faith as a mustard seed" verses which tell me I can command a mountain to be moved.  But I can't seem to tell my cancer to jump out of my body and fall over a cliff.  I feel God has become silent.

Maybe it's because I am facing death and all the guilt and shame and religiosity that was forced down my throat is just walking out the door. 

I'm using essential oils and have gone vegetarian.  People have talked to me about becoming more centered.  So many concepts which I used to consider bad and New Agey are appealing to me now.  Am I toying with the demonic?  That is what my Nmom would tell me. 

I'm so confused.  I cry out to God sometimes and ask why I cannot hear or feel Him.  I feel abandoned.  I'm angry.

I don't know what to do.  My Nmom is getting aged and is a complete snob.  She has only become very nice to me when she understands that I am probably going to die.  This makes me mad!!

[sKePTiKal]

Hi Kelly!

I'm really sorry you've got so many heavy things to sort out, all at once. How about just taking one at time? You know we'll listen, right?
And just for good measure...

here's a big ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Kelly)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))).

[Meh]

Hello,

Sorry that this is happening to you.

I think about this sort of thing also, frequently. There is a place in the book "Into thin air" about the mountain climber falling into a crevasse in the ice and crying out to god-at this point the authors faith falters. My personal take is that I think going to church is mainly a reason for me to get out of bed and I pray but often it just echos back to me and I feel alone.

Centering and grounded were trendy verbal jargon that went along with the popularity of the yoga movement, along with decorated yoga mats, yoga shoes, designer yoga clothes, yoga videos, yoga sound tracks. I've always disliked when people used these terms because I always got the sense that they didn't know exactly what they were referring to.

Basically though I think what centering and grounded means is to attempt to find practices/personal habits that bring you an sense of calmness and peace.
That doesn't sound demonic to me although I'm not an authority on the bible.

I think you deserve to find solace and some relative sense of well being at this time in your life in whatever way you need to.

In a lot of religions there are the mystical branches/ saints that had a more experiential personal sense of divinity. These sometimes seem new-agey to me and they are accepted by some churches.

I guess the question is: What exactly are you going to do that is described by the words "grounding and centering"--always thought these were vague.  It's all a matter of belief, some pastors will say it's okay-Unitarian. Some pastors will say it's not okay-conservative.

Essential oils are not strange or new-agey. Churches burnt Frankincense and myrrh because people didn't have plumbing and they all stunk en mass in church. You probably know all about that. I don't think the bible says any thing against NOT having meat. Just because you are vegetarian doesnt mean you must convert to Hinduism or Jainism or Buddhism. If you wanted to change your belief though there would be as many people that might support you as there might be people who would say it's wrong.

If you do some deep breathing/soft and gentle stretching well that isn't demonic. IMO. You don't even need to visualize to do that.
How can breathing be demonic, if it is every single one of us is doomed. Often when people say grounding and centering they mean to get calm and to do that often it is to slow breathing.  

So that's how I break that down.

[Hopalong]

Whatever guides you to more peace of mind and peace in your body, and wholesome rest, and peace peace peace in your heart...

those are godly things.

Don't worry about a book. Trust your inner self, which recognizes things that are life-affirming.

It's okay to explore nature, new rituals, things that bring you a sense of hope and being part of the great mystery of life.

You are safe in it.

love,
Hops

[JustKathy]

Hi Kelly! It's really nice to hear from you. I wish I had some words of wisdom to offer you, but I'm coming up dry right now. What I CAN do is offer you my support and a big fat hug. I hope that helps a little.

xxxxoooo {{{{{{{{{{Kelly}}}}}}}}}} xxxxoooo

[sKePTiKal]

Kelly hon - I can kinda relate to what you said about feeling that God has abandoned you. I felt that way ever since I was raped... until... I was describing the weird memories I had of an angel who gave me sword (and instructions on what to do with it). When my T said that this kind of dissociation was a way my brain was protecting me - it finally clicked in my head: God hadn't abandoned me at all.

He just didn't respond the way I - in my 12 yr old panic of HELP ME - imagined he would. Then I remembered something I was told once: when we pray, we can ask for anything we want... but we can't dictate the details of what, how, when, where, etc. It's sort of like Hops' excellent wisdom about asking... and then releasing the outcome. Sometimes we get the answer we want but we don't need/want it anymore (the careful what you wish for problem) and sometimes we get just what we wanted... and we don't see it. Or didn't realize we had it all the time...

The other thing I've pondered the past couple days... was the list of big, big things you talked about. Like a "to-do" or "to-fix" list. From the exasperated description you gave of your battle... I have to gently suggest that perhaps it's time to let someone else "do" or "fix". You "job", if you will... is to let others take care of you, endure the treatments (which I know are not pleasant) and if you can - make each moment as conscious and loving, to yourself and others, as you can. It's OK to let someone take care of you, you know? Your mom probably doesn't even realize she should try to... but that doesn't matter now. OTHER people will try to... will want to... take care of you.

Let them. It's your turn to be taken care of.

I hope the sun shines and birdies sing and the breeze wafts scents of fresh baked bread and pie and you hear kids laughing and playing where you are.


(((((((((((((((((((((((((Kelly))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Overcomer]

Thanks for all the responses.  I agree.  I think my husband should pick up the slack.  In fact, he does nothing.  I still am in charge of EVERYTHING!  He won't unload the dishes or empty a wastebasket.  He started a project downstairs and I am sure it will take him a good year to get it done.  That is, scraping away a border and repainting.  His excuse?  He works all day.  Then he comes home and gets drunk on the weekends.

I really would like to divorce him but with all the cancer stuff, I don't need the stress so I am damned either way. 

Oh, and by the way, the last time I posted I said I was cancer free.  After this last CT scan they realized there were a couple spots back at the last one but they didn't know they were spots until they grew.

Well, back to topic at hand.

I have downloaded some meditation app on my iPhone.  I listen and it helps me go to sleep. 

My diet is to help with the cancer.  So are the oils. 

I don't even know how to pray.  Oh people say I have been such an inspiration.  I don't feel inspiring.

[Meh]

I think my husband should pick up the slack.  In fact, he does nothing.  I still am in charge of EVERYTHING!  He won't unload the dishes or empty a wastebasket.  He started a project downstairs and I am sure it will take him a good year to get it done.  That is, scraping away a border and repainting.  His excuse?  He works all day.  Then he comes home and gets drunk on the weekends.

 

How do the meditations go that you listen to? I had one on tape years ago when there were still tape players and I liked it. It was pretty simple and there was a psychiatrists voice that said to clench the fist and then relax then, tense certain body parts and then relax them....I guess it was mainly to promote relaxation. What is your meditation about?

[Overcomer]

Focusing on each part of your body and then relaxing it.

[Redhead Erin]

(((((((((((Kelly)))))))))))))))

I used to have a tape like that, too.  I played it until it broke. 

I cannot imagine how declining to eat God's creatures could be demonic....or enjoying the benefits of natural oils made out of things that grow in Creation....whoever told you that (NMOM???) is full of bunk.

On a practical note, I have been a vegetarian for 12 or 13 years or so, and carried, delivered, and nursed a kid through it.  If you need any practical help with meal planing or recipes or whatever, go ahead and ask.  My personal email is connalnme at yahoo-dot-com.   

[Overcomer]

No, I think you got me wrong, Red.  The vegetarian thing is not the "demonic."  I was raised to look for demons under every rock.  Aromatherapy, meditation.......all New Age.  Well, I don't believe that for one minute now but that is part of the brainwashing I received as a child!!!

[Redhead Erin]

Ok, I see it now.  At first I thought somebody was telling you currently that all the things you are doing to care for yourself are demonic and wrong.  I meet so many people who have such bizarre ideas about vegetarianism, at first it seemed to me as if your NM or some other family member was giving you grief about it.  Sorry about that.

Anyway, I hope the diet and the oils and everything else are helping you feel better.   I think I am going to look for that app for my phone.