As the Hellidays approach (LOVE that term!) and I’m getting ready for my next Nparent visit, I’m reminded of some of my most favorite Nparent behavior.
For whatever reason, my Nparents resented spending money on me, but most especially once I was an adult. They treated me like I was some kind of mooch walking around with my hand out (which I most certainly wasn’t). I am the only one of their children, from my observations, they treat like this.
When I left home, I had no particular desire to spend any time with the parents, which they obviously knew, so they would invent ways to get me to come over. One particular favorite was to invite me out to dinner. Then, at the restaurant as we were ordering, my father would tell the waitress that I needed a separate check. I would never say anything. And my mother would be just bursting at the seams waiting for a reaction to this. I was so in a fog at the time it didn’t occur to me to have a reaction so at least there she didn’t get what she wanted from me (I just didn’t have the pleasure of realizing that till years later). Because I said nothing my father pointed out “why should *you* get a free dinner?” Well, buddy, how bout cause you invited me out for a free dinner? Eh? Of course it was only a “surprise” the first time, any other time I went out to dinner at their invitation was simply out of a feeling of duty, and I knew what to expect. But I think they thought they were getting one over on me every time. I couldn’t grasp why they were so eager to stick it to me. I still can’t, actually.
I knew I didn’t like being treated like this but it was just the three of us, *always* just the three of us, no other person there to take up some of the abuse, so there was no one else around to say to me “Gosh, that sure was mean. What did he do that for?”
And occasionally they would decide it was “my turn” to buy. To keep the peace, as was my style at the time, I just did it. I had the money and truly didn’t mind buying them dinner, but I still didn’t understand why I should have to pay for their meal.
On one occasion my brother was in town visiting and we all went out together for dinner, and my father didn’t pull his little separate check schtick. However, later he took me aside privately and told me how much I owed him for dinner. I paid him and said nothing. But a light bulb went on. He knew what he was doing was wrong. He was hiding the behavior from my brother. He didn’t want my brother to know what a shitty thing he was doing to me.
There are other examples. If I needed a ride to the airport, my father would make me reimburse him for gas with the question “Why should *you* get a free ride?” When I moved out of their house, it was on the 7th day of the month, and my father pro-rated my rent with the question “Why should *you* get 7 days free rent?” At my first real job I got a very nice cash Christmas bonus and my father said “Why should *you* get a bonus?”
Oh, and the way they KEPT TRACK of everything!! “We’ve had you over for dinner 3 times this month. You’ve only had us over twice! You OWE us a dinner!” “We spent $40 on you for Christmas but your gifts to us, there’s no way it comes out to any more than $30!” What an exhausting way to live (and is the primary reason I refuse to exchange gifts with them anymore, plus they never liked my gifts anyway).
Anyway, times have changed, but they clearly still do not like to spend money on me, they’re just less blatant about it. I don’t know where it comes from, but I accept that this will not change. When I go to visit at Thanksgiving, there will be no offer to go out to dinner, because they don’t want to be in a position to have to buy my meal, and they aren’t blatantly going to stick me with a check anymore. So *I*, wanting to get out of their house, will take them out to dinner and *I* refuse to resent having to pay for their dinner just to get them to go out with me. Instead, I will look at it as an opportunity to eat at a favorite restaurant I no longer have regular access to since I’ve moved, will get to enjoy a favorite meal, and since I’m buying I won’t have to clean my plate if I can’t, and won’t have to say no to a second glass of wine. Heck, I’ll even let those two wack-a-doo’s have a second glass of wine if it makes em happy. And then, when they think I’m on the plane Sunday morning to go home, I will really still be in town for another week, visiting friends and hanging out with people who *do* think I’m worth something. And my parents don’t get to be a part of it, or even know anything about. Why should *they* get to be a part of it??
