Author Topic: Experience of exiting PD relationship: What would you call it?  (Read 2758 times)

lighter

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I would say the experience is like.....

trying to exit the very powerful gravitational pull of a larger plantet. 

Plantet, heh.

Or.....

trying to extricate oneself from a powerful vortex made of social fabric, and the crys of our children.

I notice I use the word powerful, and realize some of that power belongs to a sometimes incompetent legal system that doesn't generally have the ability to discern motives, or determine who the truth tellers are....... the system is vulnerable to manipulation, lets just put it that way.

One step back, I see that this exit process becomes exponentially more difficult if we're hanging on to things inside the vortex/gravitational pull.  The PD looks a bit nutty if they're hanging on to US as a material posession, but the system expects them to fight for everything else.  Of course it does. 

Things like our money, furniture, retirement, a house, personal special belongings, our dignity, and especially our children.

As Hops celebrates her release from one vexing PD relationship, it's has me thinking about the experience in general.

How would you describe exiting a PD relationship?

Lighter


sKePTiKal

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Re: Experience of exiting PD relationship: What would you call it?
« Reply #1 on: June 16, 2012, 09:31:22 AM »
Like a 16-ton anvil that has kept me pressed to ground has been lifted off of me.
No more ball & chain slowing me down; holding me back.

Like I know the taste of being whole and FREE. Like riding Lady Godiva style, bareback, racing the wind.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Circumstantially, anyway. I still suffer from intense dreams about the various relationships I've been unwittingly entangled in. And it's because I think deep down I disagree with your description of the PD relationship's "power" and where it really emanates from. (Rationally, anyway).

PD people don't have any real power, to my way of thinking. And it's precisely that reason behind the elaborate machinations and schemes and tit for tat juvenile "revenge" games they play. Healthy people most always ignore -- and are unaffected by the PDs of the world.

It's US who have the power and unfortunately give away too much of it -- trading our souls to satan - making bad bargains for even the illusion of love and relationship. We simply didn't know any better, most of us who had awful parenting. Or were too trusting. Or too inexperienced. Or wanted to believe that surely people only have our best interests in mind. That people are truthful and honest about themselves.

Our power is in the knowledge that there is such a thing as unconditional love - that forgives all things and always knows the "best things" for us. Our HOPE, even, that there are others like us and that we'll be able to "give away" that hope & love secure in the knowledge that it will be returned. Sometimes this kind of "trade" does happen and works out. Happily ever after.

But when we give this power away to PD-person... oh boy. Katie bar the door. They don't understand the giving-back; it's never enough or perfect enough for them; and when you give them an inch -- they take a mile. And damn it, sometimes they forget to wear the warning that should be printed on their faces --

Caution! This person is devoid of all compassion or empathy and will completely destroy your ability to perceive reality and think for yourself. Do not feed the inappropriate, insatiable abyss of needs of this person and keep your distance.

The antidote to PD-poisoning is lot like rabies shots. It's quite painful to realize that all this time, I had the power to completely change whether I was under that anvil or free. I certainly didn't realize it, because I "drank the PD kool-aid" and believed what I was told about myself from a person who was delusional.

Then, there was the phase when I wouldn't listen and pushed back against what others told me about myself. HA! They don't know me, I self-soothed.

Then, I started to listen. I started see what I had in common with others. I still feared any and all encounters with personalities or even just traits that seemed PD. Avoiding that was necessary in this phase, while I was sorting things and my self, out.

Now, I don't really even think about it that much -- in those terms. I'm rediscovering my instinctive self (and trying to fix that self's dysfunctional mental/emotional tics) and am learning to "just be". Yep - I still struggle with things and some things still don't come easy or natural to me. Practice.... is it's own reward.

That's my opinion, based on my experience, anyway.


I certainly know that there ARE bad people out there and even being as careful as one can -- it's still possible to get sucked into those vortexes and overpowered. I'm training myself to never ever be in that position again -- but if I am -- I have other choices than to simply give up now. Most of that training is mental and emotional.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: Experience of exiting PD relationship: What would you call it?
« Reply #2 on: June 16, 2012, 10:30:05 AM »
Amber:

Thanks for your thoughtful response.

It's so very cool how you can include everyone in your posts..... it makes me realize how I can't really respond appropriately to folkes who have PD FOO's.  I just can't, but you managed to include everyone in your post, and it resonated on several different levels for me.

We do make bargains to be loved.  We do give our power away.  We do care more about how others feel than we care about ourselves (I threw that one in there, but I think it can be included reasonably.)

We are full of hope and ability and we are the ones with the power.

I've been thinking very hard about the different kind of people we might invite into our lives:

Choosing people with empathy, the ability to let others be who they are without becoming threatened and overtly controlling, people who carry part of the load instead of piling on and piling on while telling us if we could just do this one (other) small thing, everything would be OK.  Of course, there's always something else that needs doing, that should have been done to restore order and peace, something we're completely responsible for, and are made to feel foolish and incompetent for not doing.

And we do it.

Or not.

Learning to say no has been an incredible struggle for me, and I must admit I have just recently mastered it under very stressful conditions.

No.

Seems simple enough.

((((Amber))))

Lighter

sKePTiKal

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Re: Experience of exiting PD relationship: What would you call it?
« Reply #3 on: June 17, 2012, 10:06:51 AM »
Thanks Lighter. I know your life has been "challenging" in ways you never, ever could have expected and that after that storm, there's still a lot of work to do... but it's lighter, easier, and includes more dancing now!

How is it going, really? What's new & exciting in your life? What's still getting resolved?
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Meh

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Re: Experience of exiting PD relationship: What would you call it?
« Reply #4 on: June 19, 2012, 10:05:03 PM »
A door that keeps on hitting you on the backside and then sticks to yer arse on the way out.


Sorry Lighter.

I'm not certain about the things and the situation context. It sounds like you are feeling guilty but I'm not really sure.

Sometimes it feels bad to say No even when it's the best choice for yourself/kids.
I think with the Nar-Family thing....well it feels bad no matter what....you say yes- or- you say no....same result feels bad.


I think about rules. About the way that they are sometimes valid such as traffic rules. Then there are other rules and many of them that primarily serve the rule makers. Then it's possible to see that sometimes the rule makers don't believe in their own rules or even follow their own rules. --I don't know that is sort of esoteric and odd way of saying that with the Narcissistic Family stuff, or dysfunctional family stuff it's like the Rules are always being made by the ill people. To serve the ill people.

If one follows the rules of the ill the result is unhealthy. If one goes against the rules of the ill the result is that it disorients those who are accustomed to the illness. Anyways I'm just thinking out loud.

I mean I know you get it, we all get it by now....but it still sucks!





« Last Edit: June 20, 2012, 04:08:44 PM by Mild Salsa »

lighter

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Re: Experience of exiting PD relationship: What would you call it?
« Reply #5 on: June 20, 2012, 09:29:16 AM »
Amber,

I responded to your questions by pm. 

Hope you got it.

Salsa, a door stuck to our backsides, frustratingly, sometimes unbearably heavy, sometimes pressing us flat.

Yes.

It's also like having the air sucked oiut of our space.  Like being held hostage.  Like having our children held hostage.  Like being bullied without end.  Pretending to keep the peace, at the expense of our happiness, and sometimes our sanity.

Lighter

lighter

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Re: Experience of exiting PD relationship: What would you call it?
« Reply #6 on: June 22, 2012, 08:12:32 AM »
Beating our heads against an invisible wall, trying to break it down, and distance ourselves if we do.

Trying to have something of sanity left if we finally beat the wall down with our skulls.

Compressed.  Airless.  Truly unbelievable to have insanely untrue accusations made against us, by the PD's, when just telling the truth about the PD's makes us look small, petty and mean.  The whole experience seems so unlikely.

Unlikely.


Meh

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Re: Experience of exiting PD relationship: What would you call it?
« Reply #7 on: June 22, 2012, 04:21:54 PM »
Well, sorry you are going through a down spot with the PD relatives. For a while is sounded like you were doing pretty good.

Sort of like a ----- disease that goes into remission only to come back again, never being totally cured-------

I think that's how it is, things level off, we practice being disengaged to them and sort of feel like MAYBE we can master the problem and move on for good, once and for all. Then it comes back again, sort of levels off, comes back again.




« Last Edit: June 22, 2012, 04:35:00 PM by Mild Salsa »

lighter

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Re: Experience of exiting PD relationship: What would you call it?
« Reply #8 on: June 22, 2012, 10:36:45 PM »
MS:

I am doing pretty well dealing with PD relatives.

I was just hoping to be done dealing with them by now.

Lighter

sKePTiKal

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Re: Experience of exiting PD relationship: What would you call it?
« Reply #9 on: June 23, 2012, 09:10:19 AM »
Hi Lighter - I got your PM - but have been abominably busy with business/selling house/and lots & lots of complex company. Both my girls were here this week; one has two elementary school boys -- and that bit of family is too close to being as screwed up as my childhood was. I see a LOT of the same crap... patterns of dysfunction. That takes a toll, and while my other D & I have put a lot of ourselves on the line to try to get her to at least hear us and not simply deny or rationalize or blame... sigh - she knows better than us; she's the expert on her... and our observations are only opinions that do not matter. (I know I thought that, too for awhile... I finally "saw" that gee: if I'm existing in an environment with other people, their perception of me could be just as valid as though old, negative self image beliefs I was clinging to. A cosmic DUH, you know?)

To make matters worse - the cable co. has decided this would be a wonderful time to take the services down - without warning - for maintenance/repairs. I haven't even been able to get my business papers/emails in those small windows of uptime... sigh. This morning, I really really needed some alone time to process some of what I've been feeling and thinking. LOL... and don't you know? I wind up here, reading all the things other people are going through and thinking and some of those stress-engines start to throttle down to idle again.

They're leaving Sunday, so I'll get caught up next week a little more. Sorry about the silence on my part, hon.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: Experience of exiting PD relationship: What would you call it?
« Reply #10 on: June 27, 2012, 10:41:42 AM »
Amber:

I'm so sorry you're feeling off balance right now.

I'm sending hope, light, serenity and strength to help you through.

You're a wise lady.

I hope you trust yourself when things become overwhelming.
Lighter

sKePTiKal

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Re: Experience of exiting PD relationship: What would you call it?
« Reply #11 on: June 28, 2012, 05:40:32 AM »
Thanks hon. Yeah, I've learned when to put something down and go do, think etc something else. Problem will be there when I get back... but when I'm wiped out, I am useless and make too many mistakes. Fortunately, hubby specializes in distracting me!   ;)
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.