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Why do we feel so guilty over NC?

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JustKathy:

--- Quote ---no matter whose it was - and she thought/believed/that her version of who I am would want this stuff - because she DOESN'T know me...
--- End quote ---

This was actually the thing that made me decide to go NC almost ten years ago. We had just bought a new house that was VERY small. We had almost no closet space, and were trying to downsize. NM has always sent "stuff" for Christmas, and as with you, it was never stuff that I would have wanted or needed. It was stuff that she forced on me to further her own agenda. I remember one year a very pricey Beanie Baby, not because I wanted it, but because she wanted to brag to everyone that she had contacts who could get it for her. Anyway, the year we moved, I asked for gift cards rather than stuff. We really needed gift cards, not more stocking stuffers that we had no space for. She came absolutely unhinged. You would have thought the world was ending. I got a three page letter about how I had broken her heart by rejecting her gifts (and by "gifts," I mean socks, clothes that were not in my size, more socks). After reading her three-page guilt letter, I said, NO MORE.


--- Quote ---and I had this weird thought, "I could make it for the kids." And that is one of her thoughts - if she doesn't like it, make it for someone else or give it to someone els
--- End quote ---

Yep, my NM did that too. In most houses, people might think of disposing of unwanted food by giving it to the dog, or in my case, the outdoor wildlife. My mother gave the old junk that she wouldn't eat herself to me. Good for you for recognizing that you were repeating your NM's pattern, and put the brakes on. I never had children, and one of the reasons why was that I always feared becoming my NM. One of my therapists told me that the opposite is actually true. Most daughters of N's are so finely tuned into what their own mothers did to manipulate them that they know how to turn it around. I'll never know what kind of mother I would have been, but my NM's cruelties are with me 24/7, so I like to think that I would have been able to break the cycle. I'm glad that you did.  :D

BonesMS:
((((((((((((((((JustKathy))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Bones

sKePTiKal:
Kathy - you know, there is some truth to the idea that daughters of Ns DO work hard at changing things around. In fact, I think any kind of "mothering" role helps us process and let go a lot of the "old crap". I'm not suggesting you actually have kids! LOL... but perhaps being a Big Sister, or connect with a girl scout or brownie troop... something on that order, might offer you some new experiences and insights -- and I know you'll more than likely find opportunities to get emotionally "involved" - in a good way - with some of those girls.

This week, in addition to our latest grandson and his parents, we have a couple of their friends and two more little girls staying with us. The little girls have come through some N-times themselves, I've discovered and Mom's working overtime to rebuild their confidence and emotional health. I just wanna scoop them up and hug them until they're all "all better" and are ready to go run & play like little Amazons again.

Where's that universal, unconditional, love - protection - safety - and well-being machine? I gotta bunch o' quarters to feed it and maybe I'll hit the jackpot and it'll start streaming out all over the place!!

JustKathy:
Ugh .... OH UGH! I may have to use that postal harassment link after all, depending on what happens here.

I was getting ready to return Co-Father's latest card, and was trying to think of something to have a friend write on it that would convince NM that she had the wrong address. Maybe "Same name, wrong guy, RETURN" or something like that. BUT, here's where I freaked out. Assuming that NM would start Googling my name to try and find me, and hopefully get sent on a wild goose chase, I tried it for myself to see what results I would get. O.M.G. There are about 20 sites with my name and address, with other things, like my birthday, that link to me. One page had my picture next to my name and address! It was a photo that I had uploaded to my blog years ago and taken down, but apparently not before one of those "detective" sites grabbed it. Wow. You can run but you can't hide.

I did do one small thing today that might make her head explode. I made sure that 100% of my Facebook page is set to private, and opened a second, decoy page, that identifies me as still living in Arizona. For my favourite books, I listed, "Mommy Dearest, "Toxic Parents," "Trapped in the Mirror," and every book I could think of relating to N mothers. It's a very small "up yours," but if she finds it on one of her stalker searches, she'll not only be confused about the location, but her head will spin around like a top, and just the thought of that makes me very very happy.  :D

BonesMS:

--- Quote from: JustKathy on July 15, 2012, 08:34:36 PM ---Ugh .... OH UGH! I may have to use that postal harassment link after all, depending on what happens here.

I was getting ready to return Co-Father's latest card, and was trying to think of something to have a friend write on it that would convince NM that she had the wrong address. Maybe "Same name, wrong guy, RETURN" or something like that. BUT, here's where I freaked out. Assuming that NM would start Googling my name to try and find me, and hopefully get sent on a wild goose chase, I tried it for myself to see what results I would get. O.M.G. There are about 20 sites with my name and address, with other things, like my birthday, that link to me. One page had my picture next to my name and address! It was a photo that I had uploaded to my blog years ago and taken down, but apparently not before one of those "detective" sites grabbed it. Wow. You can run but you can't hide.

I did do one small thing today that might make her head explode. I made sure that 100% of my Facebook page is set to private, and opened a second, decoy page, that identifies me as still living in Arizona. For my favourite books, I listed, "Mommy Dearest, "Toxic Parents," "Trapped in the Mirror," and every book I could think of relating to N mothers. It's a very small "up yours," but if she finds it on one of her stalker searches, she'll not only be confused about the location, but her head will spin around like a top, and just the thought of that makes me very very happy.  :D

--- End quote ---

(((((((((((((JustKathy)))))))))))))))))))))))  Good for you!

Bones

Now to find a way to get the other stuff off of Google.....................

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