Well, you know after some more thought on this and an interesting experience, I think I can finally say something close to "final" on this -- for myself.
Hypervigilance... that old habit of always being on watch for the "trigger" that I'd trip and become a target for Nmom's abuse... is partly at work in my own neural patterns/pathways in "present moment" social situations. Like it or not - it's a legacy thing - and in the state of society these days, it's probably not ALL bad. I've even been intentionally taught (post-FOO) to consciously/subconsciously scan crowds and groups for anything that looks/feels out of place... as a first-line, protect myself, strategy. It's also meant to reassure myself that I am SAFE and can RELAX. (And the habit isn't geared to that goal, as much as the fearful feeling... they are flip sides of the same coin.) Sometimes, I don't realize it in the moment, but it can go extreme... run away with my attention, at a level just below consciousness until it finally reaches that nuclear melt-down state.
Inner Hypervigilance... scanning my own SELF, being hyper-aware of "giving away" any emotional weakness or vulnerability that would attract the abusive vultures to come pick away at me... very easily falls into, slides into... being over-critical, over-sensitive, and anxious about anything, everything I notice about "me"... like some emotional hypochrondriac.
That's a whole lot of activity going on - just in my own awareness - so it makes sense, then, that the visual info of watching people group, regroup, and separate and regroup... combined with the aural input of so many conversations going on at once, which sort of blends into a single sound because it's too hard to focus on or separate the conversations out into overlapping sounds... all that just sort of "crashes" my hard-drive - my brain - the frontal cortex, higher processing thought processes. That in turn, leaves me with only the primitive fight/flight/freeze - dinosaur brain operational. And that awareness engages adrenalin... the old stress hormones of cortisol... and is only intended for short-term survival activity. IT'S EXHAUSTING to be in that state for any length of time.
And so, I feel I need to curl into myself and withdraw from all external input (except reading - that actually seems to help speed up recovery) to restore my normal boundaries, to feel in control of myself and my brain again, to truly relax and recover. I keep asking myself, how come I don't feel like my normal boundaries can withstand being in those social situations... why I'm sooo freaked out... and the answer is obvious - the cumulative experiential "history" of each and every time I was criticized, told what I'd just said was "inappropriate" or "smart-ass" or "too nosy", each time I moved (or was in the way), did/didn't do whatever Nmom was thinking I "should" do, whether I succeeded at goals or failed, all of that is stored in my brain along with the umbrella-understanding-deep down awareness that there was something "wrong" with me - that I wasn't fit to be around other people - a freak to make fun of and ultimately - deep down inside, to be ashamed and embarrassed of myself. As if I were a feral child, dangerous to and unfit to be included in Human Connection. (That's kinda dramatic; in essence, I feel as though I don't deserve to have people engage me... and that anything I say to them, or how I behave, is so outre and outlandish... I shouldn't even try; some part of my inner child's heart has been labeled - defective, toxic, not for human consumption.
So, to this overly multitasking emotional chaos and mental overload, I also go into these situations compelled to protect OTHER PEOPLE from me. I was so brainwashed that I believed that I was SO AWFUL a person, that I dare not let anyone know me - the real me - because they'd run away in horror. That's probably related to my mom's BIG LIE about me. Her extreme denial that I'd been raped and shot at and impregnated... as a result of her war on my dad and his very unfortunate reaction to her. It was part of a BIG SECRET about "why I am this way"... only it was more based on Nmom's feelings and experience -- than mine.
There is still some smoldering anger, deep down about this. And I'm 100% sure now - this is why I sabotage myself; why I won't just go play and enjoy myself, why work is the only way I can feel "worthy"... and it's why I sometimes resentfully, aggressively present myself to other people as the worst possible person ever... going for shock-value... "Hi, it's nice to meet you. F$(# off. Keep your distance, engage at your own risk." Or why I reject people's suggestions for getting past this, or invitations - pre-empting the chance that I would have fun. Yes, I even do this with hubs sometimes. (He's a very patient man, thankfully).
This is what I call - emotional abuse PTSD. And it's something not everyone deals with... so that right there, makes me "different". But it doesn't have to be this much of a life-inhibiting thing. I mean, most people are paying attention to their field of awareness - and their inner agendas and this "problem" isn't tattoo'd on my forehead. They don't - can't - know this about me, despite all the times my mom made sure to make ME conscious of it... like I was some kind of leper. Hell, it took 2 years of intensive therapy for my T to really see and get to this; for me to even spew it forth like some poisonous magic pill I'd swallowed... so that I could even know.
The only way people will know, is if I "telegraph" it to them - with body language, my speech patterns, the inadvertant clues or pleas for help - that emotional SOS wavelength communication - I've got as a result of the past. And lately, I've - to my total surprise - been directly telling people bits and pieces about those things. GASP!! The horror. The humiliation. The absolute relief... so I AM better than I used to be... and still have some ways to go. For me, the goal is to just be - me - when in groups of people and not be so damned self-involved (inner hypervigilance)... I'm "doing it" to myself. Grrrr.
So: the experience I had. I mentioned that some months ago, I'd confronted my phobia about handguns and taken a class. The situation was ideal: it was just me and the instructor - a total stranger (and very understanding of my fear) - at the range. The weather was foul, so it wasn't comfortable for either of us to spend much time outside, limiting how many rounds I shot. Target shooting is something that hubs really enjoys - yet he put that away; on hold; for 12 years -- just for me. So, I've been tossing around the idea of training, taking more classes, qualifying and even maybe getting my CCW permit. It's something fun we could do - play - together. In the process of talking through his experiences, another issue came up for me -- what if there are a lot of inexperienced, untrained people in the class - unsafe people, in other words. How would I react to lots of people around shooting, too?
It was cool enough one day this week, for us to make the long drive to the range. There were lots of people there, on different ranges, shooting different kinds of guns. And the minute he turned the car off, I knew I had a problem - the sound of all the gunfire turned me to quivering jello and I wanted to duck down on the floor under the dash, I was that affected. Primal fear - and also personal history was threatening to swallow me up in that instant. So we just sat in the car for a bit. Inhale. Exhale. It's OK. I made it to the office; we nervously fumbled our way through the sign in process. And then, taking our place on the range I waited for another half hour. Then I was able to get around to starting through the process of loading clips... putting on glasses and ear muffs...which helped me establish a sense of withdrawal; my boundaries... repeating all the operational safety routines in my head... making sure I knew what I was doing. And then, the fear went completely away - I heard other people's shots; I heard the range hot - range cold commands; people left... other people came in... and I was fine. Until we were all loaded up and in the car again - and I started flinching and ducking again. Because my brain went back to auto-pilot, total surroundings scan mode... without a focus point, without that "process-oriented" left-brain engagement.
Well - inner hypervigilance made me wonder: if it's this unpleasant for me, am I going to ever get used to it... and just let it be fun? Is it worth putting myself through this, to be able to do this with hubs? The alternative is simple: not do it. Hubs would understand. I wanted to make sure I would be safe and understand the operation of hubs' guns... and that's not possible, without repetition and practice. So, I asked a couple of older guys - lifetime shooters, ex-law enforcement or military - about this. The oldest, who's not very well right now but has kind of taken me under his wing... laughed when I explained my fear reaction to the shooting around me and told me he'd worry about me more if I didn't have that reaction. Put it right into perspective for me, too. There truly would be something wrong with a person, if they weren't bothered by the sound of all those shots. That got to me to thinking about this whole phenomenon... this distortion of me not feeling "worthy" to be included in groups, how I feel or don't feel safe or worthy in the context of being around other people -- whether it's a BBQ, cocktail party, hanging out at my house in the pool, or target shooting.
I think the fact that I'm learning something new, unfamiliar, that has that element of danger to it -- just like learning to ride a motorcycle or in tai chi, push-hands -- helped me see again (I gotta love repetition for it's therapeutic benefit) -- that I am not the problem; there's nothing wrong with me EXCEPT thinking I'm the problem or that there's something wrong with me.
Most people aren't shy about letting me know if I'm out of line. I worry too much about that; I don't have to protect anyone from me; I'm not a bad person - just pretty average... so I forget to run my mental fingers over my own boundaries... my own little "safety net"... and that momentary feeling of panic is because I've been so busy in my head, trying to pay attention to everything and everyone else... I've lost my orientation within my self - my center - my grounding root.
I never had a chance to learn "safety routines" about being me, around other people. Parents teach that to kids unconsciously - or should. For me, my parents were the source of my danger... and being me was synonymous with being in a dangerous situation, 24/7/365. So I learned to either protect people FROM me... or try to control other people's perception of me... or just control other people... to keep myself safe. When that control issue finally started to shift... change... heal... I didn't realize I still needed to deal with the safety, the boundary issues... the inner routine, auto-pilot checklist of switches, gauges, and feedback that points to safety/danger in all situations.
All that hypervigilance - external and inner - leads me to a whole lot of unnecessary, potentially self-abusive continuation of past experience patterns and association, and over-thinking ordinary existence. No wonder I don't have any more time or energy than I did when I was working, ya know??
This has been another big "duh" moment, brought to you by dysfunctional FOOs everywhere. We now return you to your scheduled programming which is now, in progress. hee-hee!
PS - I wish I could make this a sticky thread on this website... just for me. Maybe I oughta copy/paste/print it out and post it above my monitor.
