Thanks Hops,
I just blocked their email (after I sent the below message to my father's reply). I think I'm going to go onto my cellphone and temporarily block their numbers too...
Hi Kay
I apologize for the delayed response, but X's wedding and the subsequent catch up effort with work took their toll. The delay also gave me time to ruminate about your email, and I have to say that I was absolutely stunned by its tone. First of all, there is nothing abnormal about parents dropping in for a surprise visit to see their daughter and grandkids. I was pretty much denied that pleasure when you and Nikki were young, due to the early death of both my parents. Additionally both Mom and I thought that, by restricting our visit to less than two hours, we were being considerate of both your and DH's time.
What I find distressing is that nobody displayed any annoyance at the time of our visit. Since it is now obvious that you were rattled by our presence, I wish that you had just raised the issue when we were there so that we could have discussed it and dealt with it.
I know that our relationship has been strained as of late, and I can’t fathom what transgression it is that we might have committed to justify this arm’s length relationship. I can only assure you that it wasn’t intentional. We’ve always been there to support you with both physical and emotional issues. Kay, we were there to care for your daughter during the birth of of your son. We were there to help with all of your moves, including the one into your current home. And, I certainly did my best to support you during your tumultuous time during X.
I can appreciate the fact that you are dealing with pressures of deadlines. But believe me when I tell you that everyone we love is suffering from enormous physical, emotional, and economic stress. We just need to acknowledge it, support each other, and try our best to repair any damage along the way. That’s the way families are supposed to function. I’m just saddened and disheartened by being reduced to using email in that attempt.
Dad
My response...I'm really done:
Hi Dad,
Thanks for writing...
I sent you an email because--after weeks of telling Mom by phone and text that this is not a good time for us and we will arrange a time to meet up once we've met our deadlines and commitments--I felt the need to put it in writing: we do not want unannounced visits. A surprise, when someone has been repeatedly told "not right now," is more like an ambush. It's more like bulldozing. There's nothing "arm's length" about asking you to please not show up at our house without clearing it with me first.
I didn't want to "talk it out" while you were here. All that would have accomplished was having this exact same conversation, experiencing the same lack of empathy and broad-stroke personal attacks....only not by email, in front of my children. And I'm unwilling to expose my kids or husband to my mother's rage. I'd like to think we could have discussed and dealt with it--like you said--but I think you know as well as I do that those kinds of discussions don't happen in our family. If I come to you hoping to address a very specific problem, Mom attacks me in a general way and you support her like a henchman. Which is fine. You're her partner and you have to live there.
It makes me really sad that you lost your parents so young. And I totally feel for you, wishing they could come visit and be involved in your life as a young dad.
I thank you very much for helping with DD while DS was born, and for helping with my moves and my tough time in X. I've appreciated them very much. But the fact that you bring them up now, makes them feel like you're trying to emotionally blackmail me--to say that because you've done that, you have some entitlement to drop in whenever you like, regardless of our time, commitments or level of comfort. I'm sorry if I put you out in any of those situations.
lots of love and take care,
Koren x