When will I ever learn?????!!!!!!!!

[Ales2]

 Okay, just a short post. I was doing so well for a couple of months and last week I actually thought that I was over all the anger and blame issues associated with my NM (even thought I kept burdening a walking friend with my stories that she stopped walking with me). My NM went to my T over the summer. NM also came to visit me twice. We had been NC for so long but were talking alittle.  Last visit was wednesday nite last week. It was an OK visit because we did not talk about issues i.e didnt get into it.

On saturday night I called her to ask a simple question and it escalated into a full blown fight. Nasty fight. She wanted to say she was sorry, and she did and I asked "sorry for what"  and she couldn't answer. She is notorious for the insincere apology to end a fight which means nothing is learned.  I got off the phone initially feeling empowered because even in anger I had asserted myself which felt good. I couldn't sleep all night and tossed turned because I felt like I had failed because I had been on this kind of forgiveness program, which was giving me hope that I could end my anger problem and move on. To hear the nasty fight meant my anger was still tehre. That made me feel bad.  Today we had a moderately decent conversation but it kept me wondering if I had been wrong all along. It stirred me up.

Anyway, later in the day, I had another bad conversation with her and we are back to blows again. 

Right now the problem is that I am drawing some money from a trust. She could have set it up so the money was mine with a boundary or a limit but instead doles out a fixed amount each month by giving me a check. she does it this way because she doesnt respect me enough as an adult to have jut inherited some money from my Dad and wants to control me.   If it were not for this, I would simply change my number and addresss and move on with my life.

The lesson I learned quite frankly is that I need to be on my own completely and be NC completely. There is nothing here that can be fixed, I can only accept what is and move on and create something new for myself.

Its dumb to have to repeat that to myself, but that seems to be the lesson I cant seem to learn.

[sKePTiKal]

One possible tip that might assist you, Ales.

I take it your mom is the trustee on that account. You may be able to work through a lawyer - someone to negotiate for you, instead of you having to get in the trenches. If your mom is NOT the trustee - even better - you'll have two rational, unemotionally involved parties trying to work out a mutually agreeable compromise.

It's never a good situation when money and emotional freedom are all mixed up, together.

[Ales2]

Hi Phoenix,

Thanks so much for your supportive post and suggestion. I have thought about going the lawyer route and your advice is excellent (thank you!), but I wish it were a financial issue - its not - its a psychological one. I have no hope the psych issues can be fixed, so no reasonable financial progress can be made. Best thing for me is an economic turnaround and eliminating the need for the funds. An investment in my business would help, but unfortunately, she would allocate money for education (which serves no purpose in the direction I am going) but not for the risk associated with small business investment, so my hands are somewhat tied. I can only look for a job working for someone else rather than produce my own products.  Its just foolish. 

But again, thanks for your help and advice.

[KayZee]

(((((Ales)))))

Don't beat yourself up for being angry.  I think anger's a normal, healthy, human thing...and god knows, Ns know all the right buttons to push.  It is good and healthy that you can recognize your emotions (including anger), feel them and work through them, recognizing that they won't last forever.  That is what your NM can't do; and that's what distinguishes your self-awareness and emotional healthiness from NM's repression, projection and goddamn N-sanity.

P.R. seems to have very good advice there about the lawyer!  Explore your legal options!

sending you lots of love and support,
Kay x

[sKePTiKal]

Slight clarification Ales:

The lawyer is meant to simply do the talking FOR you - to go face to face with NM, do the negotiating - so you don't have to.
The point of this being, that you don't get triggered into those old patterns... NM can't play head-games with the lawyer or push her/his buttons -- because she doesn't know the person. This is lawyer as advocate, and that's all. But it doesn't have to be a lawyer -- is there anyone involved with the trust, bank, CPA or anyone else you could trust to speak for you?

I've had to do this a couple times, when my bro was stuck in hearing something I wasn't saying... and also wasn't hearing what I WAS saying. It was suggested by one of my advisors - because I was getting so upset trying to do it myself. I really needed that distance from the situation... to stay "sane" so that I wasn't escalating the situation from bad to worse. It did work, too.

[Ales2]

Hi Kay - Thanks so much for your kind and supportive post. Today, I am actually glad I was angry, because its an honest feeling and I think she is getting the message that we are a toxic combination and I wont tolerate what I had in the past. Its the source of all my failures in life (i.e tolerating disrespect and not standing up for myself.) The kicker was after explaining an issue several times, and thinking she understood it, when it came up again, she threw out the verbal abuse again and that was enough for me to think she will never get "it" and I am a fool for continuing to try.  And, you are correct, she can;t self adjust as I have and it will be the demise of the relationship. 

Phoenix - thanks for the clarification - if I was going to hire an attorney, I'd give her the parameters and let her deal with it.  Staying sane via distance does help!

Today, I was also realizing the the forgiveness program I had been on, had worked, but it had opened me to hoping we could discuss issues again. I discovered that we can't,  I haven;t been able to really accept her yet, because I somehow keep going back to a conversation we can never really have.

Anyway, I'm going to be radio silent for the month with her, assuming that her visit to my T (it was her choice to go in and she said she wanted to meet with him for his "legal" advice LOL - I cant stop laughing about that one!) won't escalate into something.

Thanks all for the support. Have a great week everybody.

[Hopalong]

Ales, I'm confused.
Did your father leave money in trust for you, with your mother as executor of that trust?

What a horrid position for both of you.

I'm sorry there's no way to change that situation. Legally, is that the case? It's unchangeable?

I think as soon as you don't have to go "asking" your mother for your inheritance income, things could get better. It seems as though the financial dependency poisons your relationship.

I'm really sorry you're in that vice.

xo
Hops

[Ales2]

Hi thanks Hops and Phoenix.

To answer the question, NM controls all, legally or otherwise, there is nothing for me to challenge.

Dad passed in 2000 and until 2008, NM maintained that he had no will, nothing for us to inherit, she claimed he had made bad investments and made other claims to manipulate into believing her story of "poverty" as a means to mislead us and prevent us from asserting ourselves or asking for anything. I believed her.  Her actions also were in line with that.  When he passed, they were in the middle of a kitchen remodel, the day after he passed, she paid the contractor and then fired him, leaving the kitchen half finished. No working oven, no floor (just painted concrete), no running water in sink or laundry room adjacent to kitchen. And its been that way since 2000.  At Chrismas time or birthdays she might give me a check and would tell me to "do well" with it as she was not sure how long it would last.  She has been manipulating and controlling the money on purpose.  This is a financial issue compounded by her Nism, so appeals to business or rational money management do not work with her.

Now, the problem is that even when I want to do things to advance myself, she discourages that as well, even if I were to finance it myself because she fears my failure would pose a financial risk to her. This is where I thought T could help with boundaries and allowing me to take the right risks as an adult.

Even if I was self sufficient right now, I know from previous experience how demeaning she is and how discouraging she can be about me making my own decisions.

Thanks to all for the posts, its a relief for me to come here and get understanding and support. All the best to everyone.

[Ales2]

This is a financial issue compounded by her Nism, so appeals to business or rational money management do not work with her.

Let me clarify the above statement:

NONE of this is a financial issue, its ALL about her Nism and her need to manipulate and control. Appeals to business or rational money management do not work with her because of her Nism

My next move is that when I am sufficiently employed, which will be very soon, (I have several good prospects on the horizon) I will ask her to write me a letter resolving these issues, so she cannot continue manipulating me with this nonsense.  My married, homeowner friends have truly been a blessing in that they see first hand how her warped values have hurt me in work, finances and relationships and how the manipulation has actually handicapped me from asserting myself.

Thanks for letting me vent. All the best to everyone.