Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Not sure what to put for a title!
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on November 06, 2012, 04:17:46 PM ---And following on from Lighter's comment about advocating for ourselves being a balm - today I practised being assertive - no more overly nice Twoapenny!
My sister arrived, unannounced and upset over something that had happened earlier in the day. I only see her when she's upset about something. Several things strike me - one, that she never calls to check it's okay to come round first, two, that I don't see her unless something bad has happened and three, that the reason I never see her is because she's always doing stuff with her partner and grown up kids which is, of course, absolutely fine, but why does she come to me when she's upset and not them?
I didn't try and comfort her, I just said I was sure it would be fine and get sorted, I didn't offer her anything to eat (I normally feel like I need to feed people, I don't know why), her brother was there at the time (the one the Christmas hoo ha has been about) and she didn't want to talk to him, normally I laugh and joke and fill in the gaps to make everyone feel better but I didn't and just let the awkward silences grow. I carried on with what I was doing anyway, made it clear we were going out and they both left after about half an hour. I didn't feel guilty - in fact I felt quite pleased with myself.
I don't mind listening to people's problems or helping people out but I am realising that there are a lot of one way streets in my relationships and they're not heading in my direction!
--- End quote ---
Hear!! Hear!!!
lighter:
Tupp:
It's nice to see you put yourself first.
Something to practice feeling empowered by, while resisiting the knee jerk barrage of guilt you're expected to feel.
It sounds like your sister uses you for a dumping ground when she's feeling negative, and that you've traditionally been a safe place to dump, receive care, mommy food and comfort whenever she chooses to use you. She probably doesn't even know she's doing this, but you can stop it, or even better, let her know you're stopping it, how it makes you fee, and why.
Frankly, I think you need to speak your authentic truth, even if the listener refuses to hear.......
at least you heard yourself speak it and felt you were worthy of having that voice, kwim?
Also, your son will learn when you're able to model being open, honest and truly present in a relationship (((Tup, and son.)))
Lighter
Twoapenny:
Thank you, Bonesie :) xx
Lighter, I think you're right. It's not just my sister either, quite a few of my friends - in fact the majority of them - pick me up and put me down whenever they feel like it. I need to start being honest with people about how it makes me feel.
I find it quite difficult. I had to go out for the day today because I felt so angry that if my sister had turned up again I'd have let rip, and I don't want to do that. She sent me a text saying she hoped she hadn't upset me and she was sorry if she had. I haven't replied yet, I've been thinking things through. I'm thinking perhaps text is the best way to deal with it. A letter seems too formal and if we do it face to face she will cry and I find that hard to cope with. So a simple text message, non confrontational, simple, open - this is how I feel at the moment, x, y and z and just leave it open - no demands, no insistence, just I can't do these things any more - plain, honest, simple. It's feeling at the minute like the best way to deal with it. What do you guys think?
Twoapenny:
Sorry, I'm just thinking out loud, maybe something along the lines of "I feel that there are some people in my life now that I only see or hear from if they are upset or have a problem. It would be nice to see xxxxxx when you are happy and in a good place and not just when you are feeling bad and things are going wrong. I am very busy all day, every day with (my son) and it isn't fair on him or me for people to just turn up, it interupts the work I am doing with him and stops me from getting things done, and I need to get things done in order to cope and manage on my own. It would be much easier for everyone to call and arrange convenient times instead of turning up unannounced."
Just drafting, but maybe something like that? I also think I should say that I do think she ought to do something with her brother over Christmas, even if it's just half an hour for a coffee. I don't think it's a lot to ask of someone and it would mean a lot to him (and it frustrates me that his own family can't be bothered and are happy to let me sort it out knowing that I just don't have it in me to leave him by himself all over the holiday). So perhaps I need to include a sentence suggesting that as well.
Thanks for letting me vent/off load, it helps to get it on screen and out of my over worked head :)
lighter:
Tupp:
You're gifting your friends and family a part of yourself when you're authentic and share your fears, and hurt with them.
You can provide an opportunity for understanding and better communication.
You can listen to their response and make informed adult decisions about where you really want to file that person in your life based on facts, and not fear.
IF you decide to put healthy boundaries in place surrounding visitors, it doesn 't have to be viewed an an act of aggession.... it can be a simple request with consequences stated rationally. Nothing personal, no anger, no blaming, just you taking care of your own needs appropriately which can feel so wrong or bad if you don't know what boundaries are or feel you're worthy of them.
Time to start practicing. It gets easier my dearL: ) I like writing things like that out too, and the reader can go back and re read as needed without any unintended inflections getting in the way, kwim?
Heck, I think a letter is fine, not too formal at all. (besides I peck out texts v e r r r r y s l o w w w ly; ) Not to mention editing is a PITA.
Love,
Lighter
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