Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Not sure what to put for a title!
Hopalong:
Hi ((((Tupp)))) --
I had your posts rolling around my mind today, but couldn't get time to answer.
What kind of rises up for me, is that I wonder...perhaps you are lonely.
(Lord knows I often am.)
The approach of the holidays (hell, EVERYTHING about the holidays) makes it so much harder.
If you kind of set aside the whole Hollllllllllllllllllllllllllliday frenzy/expectation/cultural trigger to start feeling some FAMILY happiness...could it also be true that you need more dear, good, reciprocal friends in your life?
I think that whole question means (plus the feelings you're having in a lot of friendships you do have) that it just hurts more, when FOO members bang on bruises, hurt or hurt with neglect, etc.
I hear you about your awakening to a lot of your relationships being NON-reciprocal. Good for you for noticing that, this is huge. Really. I think it has enormous impact on one's future happiness when one begins to see that an adequate measure of reciprocity is what characterizes healthy relationships. Even if one hasn't had many, spotting that, and learning to instinctively retreat when it's all one-way...is what people WITHOUT N-scars do!
Who knew!!!!
I salute you for this realization. Some of your struggles also remind me a bit of what gets labeled "codependency" -- and some of the classic literature on that might lift your spirits, and boost your self-esteem, right about now....
With love to you,
Hops
Twoapenny:
Hi Hopsie,
Thank you. The co-dependency stuff is spot on. I feel like I've drifted back into a situation I got myself out of, at least partially. I am terribly, terribly lonely and now being honest about the fact that I have very few real, healthy friends is feeling difficult.
I kind of feel tied to people if they've helped me or been nice to me in any way in the past. I feel like I owe them. I always feel like I'm getting above myself if I start 'making demands' (when really I'm setting boundaries). I've had so many friends over the years who've simply stopped calling once I'm no longer useful. I'm in that sort of place where you clear out the bad bits and then you're left with nothing for a while. I don't meet many people, and certainly not many who I want to spend much time with.
I also find it impossible to ignore people who are feeling something that I've felt before - loneliness, fear, isolation etc. I know how bad it felt for me and I can't bear to think of anyone else feeling that way. I find it hard not to be likeable, even if people only like me because I'm doing things for them. I think I read something about that being a fear of intimacy as well, not being able to connect on an emotional level so keeping it safe with practical help rather than bearing your soul. I have my library of self help books, it seems it might be time to start leafing through them again!
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on November 07, 2012, 12:02:24 PM ---Tupp:
You're gifting your friends and family a part of yourself when you're authentic and share your fears, and hurt with them.
You can provide an opportunity for understanding and better communication.
You can listen to their response and make informed adult decisions about where you really want to file that person in your life based on facts, and not fear.
IF you decide to put healthy boundaries in place surrounding visitors, it doesn 't have to be viewed an an act of aggession.... it can be a simple request with consequences stated rationally. Nothing personal, no anger, no blaming, just you taking care of your own needs appropriately which can feel so wrong or bad if you don't know what boundaries are or feel you're worthy of them.
Time to start practicing. It gets easier my dearL: ) I like writing things like that out too, and the reader can go back and re read as needed without any unintended inflections getting in the way, kwim?
Heck, I think a letter is fine, not too formal at all. (besides I peck out texts v e r r r r y s l o w w w ly; ) Not to mention editing is a PITA.
Love,
Lighter
--- End quote ---
Thank you, Lighter :) It's really bothering me again now, I felt alright about it earlier today. Part of me wants to be honest and say how I feel, the other part just wants to cut them out completely and not have to deal with it - fight or flight response, I suppose. I think dealing with it is healthier.
teartracks:
Hi Twoapenny,
"You can please some of the people all of the time. You can please all of the people some of the time, but you can't please all of the people all of the time."
Abe Lincoln
A teensy weensy cliche - and it only addresses a teensy weensy part of your situation. :()
tt
Twoapenny:
Hi TT,
Thank you, I know what you mean and it does help so thank you for posting :) I feel better now I've slept on it; I'm just going to tell her (and some others) straight and if they get upset/angry etc then that is just how it is. I work really hard with my son, I've every right to expect people to visit when it's convenient for me, not just for them and also to expect them to see me as a person with thoughts, feelings, emotions and not just as a skip they can dump all their stuff into. I've realised that most people I know are like this, really I've known for ages but the prospect of admitting how lonely I am and how I have very few real friends (and the ones I have are miles away) was just too much to cope with. It's out now though, and I'm dealing with it so it's onwards and upwards from here. Thank you xx
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