Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
How to fend off a gang of jackals?
KayZee:
Thank you Butterfly:)
I'm so glad to know I'm not alone--that you've been there before and gotten through it.
Ns really seem to ramp up their nastiness in late pregnancy, don't they? At least that's been my experience. Last time I was pregnant, NM came to visit a week before my due date and spent the whole time mocking me ("HA! Kay, you just waddled! You're literally waddling!"), stressing me out ("I'm soooo bored. You need to go into labor already. Go bounce on a trampoline or something") or speaking to me as though I was obese (the fact that there was an actual baby in my stomach seemed to be totally lost on her, she kept giving me long condescending lectures about how I shouldn't be drinking whole milk or using butter, how I should be doing the same kind of exercise she did, it had helped her "lose soo much weight").
The "too big to mail" schtick really is a schtick. Gonna beef up my tech blocks and see how I feel once the new baby arrives. I really, truly don't want to see my folks...don't want them anywhere near my family, but I find it so hard not to be swayed by others. DH in particular. He knows how horrendous every visit with my parents is...he sees the head games they pull on us...he's supported me in my decision to forgo the holidays with them and go NC, but he still feels conflicted where the new baby is concerned. He feels my parents have some right to meet her when the time comes. DH's family is just so supportive and normal, it's hard for him to fully accept that he's dealing with people who are deeply abnormal. Which is a totally healthy human reaction, I think. I mean, a normal brain can't wrap its mind around N-ish behavior; it's easiest to either deny it or run.
Anyway, thank you so much for listening and the support!
This pregnancy has really made me see how badly I need to sort my FOO situation and myself out. I realized yesterday, that I've spent the past couple of years not really challenging myself, not even paying attention to myself (fact that I didn't realize I was pregnant til the second trimester is a good indication of this!). Feel like I'm not really living, just trying to emotionally survive on some day to day level. I've sort of been in a half-numbed out haze because I haven't wanted to deal with all of this. But I've got to deal with it, can't go on living this way:(
teartracks:
KayZee,
My personal opinion. If you don't want to see your tormentors, don't do it. It appears that their showing up will do emotional harm to you and perhaps the newborn. I'm a firm believer that infants have a keen sense of their surroundings and especially conflict. My vote is for you and the baby to be cloistered from the toxic people now and perhaps for a long period of time after the baby is born. It appears that DH is a very sympathetic person, a wonderful characteristic but for yours and the baby's wellbeing I would respectfully decline and not give in to the pressure that is at work.
tt
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: KayZee on November 24, 2012, 10:54:04 AM ---((((Bones)))))
Hugs of thanks! I think I am going to set up some more blocks today.
I think I've been holding out hope for years that my sister and I might be able to have a relationship sometime in the far-away future, when she finds some more maturity/inner strength and isn't so dependent on NM. But the sad fact is: we have never been close. We have never had a relationship. NM has always stood firmly between us. And even, years ago--when I thought we were finally connecting--sis was just reporting everything back to NM in secret, using even banalities about my life to stir the pot, using anything she gathered to fuel the family drama/dysfunction.
Blocking sis, ignoring her, all of it, feels like finally letting go of the fantasy that it can be okay, that I can have some family ties. The truth is: everyone my family camp is really, deeply mentally ill. And the rest of FOO has no interest in facing reality, getting help, healing themselves. The best I can do is plug on, on my own, and try my very best to get better myself.
--- End quote ---
((((((((((((((((((((((KayZee)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I'm visualizing you being surrounded by THICK castle walls with the drawbridge pulled up and closed.....the moat filled with hungry alligators....the battlements filled with Klingon warriors, armed to the teeth, ready to fight off any and all invaders who attempt to FORCE themselves on you and the baby WITHOUT your permission! Q'Pla!
lighter:
Awww, KayZee.... this should be a happy time, looking forward to a new baby, and enjoying the holidays with help, and everyone tip toeing around to keep the peace! SO glad you enjoy your IL's!
I don't see there ever being any peace with your family around though: /
If I was you, and I realize I'm not, I'd let your father and sister know they have the choice of respecting your bounaries or the relationship effectively gets shut down to whatever level you need it to be shut down to get some peace.
If they can't respect your boundaries, they're the ones making the choice to be placed further outside your life.... wherever that may be.
I'd say it, e-mail it, snail mail it and let the entire family know in no uncertain terms....
it's their choice.
I hope you can find some serenity in the matter, and very soon.
Lighter
Hopalong:
This is a hard but really powerful declaration, imo, ((((KZ))))
--- Quote ---This pregnancy has really made me see how badly I need to sort my FOO situation and myself out. I realized yesterday, that I've spent the past couple of years not really challenging myself, not even paying attention to myself (fact that I didn't realize I was pregnant til the second trimester is a good indication of this!). Feel like I'm not really living, just trying to emotionally survive on some day to day level. I've sort of been in a half-numbed out haze because I haven't wanted to deal with all of this. But I've got to deal with it, can't go on living this way:(
--- End quote ---
I thnk you deserve LOADS of support and I have such faith you can find it, and at your own pace, gradually unwrap and deal with it.
I have had critical help from a kind, invested, serious and compassionate T. One precious hour 2x-3x a month, with no guilt and no recrimination, just a safe, insightful space where I can feel safely, and then begin to think safely. To examine what I need to deal with.
You deserve that. And social, emotional, community support...sometimes when one looks for it from a partner, they can't carry the helpful new vision all alone.
love
Hops
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