How to fend off a gang of jackals?

[BonesMS]

Kay:

I think you needed to tell your father how you really feel.

Just for your own process...... to lay it out there, and know he

had

the

chance

to be appropriate, but couldn't.

Now you know.... he can't.

He never will.

He's broken, like your mother is broken, and they'll never be able to do better.

That's a very hard thing to come to grips with, but IMO you had to have that conversation standing there, crying over spagetti to understand that.

Don't feel bad you let your dad in...... your IL's and husband were there.  NM wasn't.  How bad could it have been, right?

Well, now you know.

That knowing leads to putting proper boundaries in place, and your husband was on top of it, putting them in place, and bless his soul I think he did a smashing job of getting things started.  Not only stating a boundary he understands will be challenged, but thinking about plugging holes proactively.   He's on board, and it's good to have him on your side  Don't feel guilty.  Embrace it, feel fortified, and stay focused on what's important...... you, your family and that new baby.

Don't feel guilty......... he's your partner, and he loves you..... wants to protect you, and sometimes there are things we need protection from.

This is one of those things, Kay.

It's going to be OK.

ps  Now is the time to stick to that thoughtful NC for 6 month rule.  Embrace your husband's stand on this, and enforce it together for your family's sake, not just yours.

I concur!

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Kay Zee))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You did the RIGHT thing!  You set a boundary.....FIVE DAYS AFTER GIVING BIRTH AND PHYSICALLY RECOVERING.....AND YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO SET A BOUNDARY!  And I am DELIGHTED that DH is assisting you with ENFORCING that boundary! 

I get the sense that DH heard the crap that N-father was shoving in your face, KNOWING YOU WERE RECOVERING FROM GIVING BIRTH, and caught him in a bold-faced LIE immediately afterward.  I am SO GLAD that DH stepped up and DEFENDED you and the kids!  Now it's time for the NC to be FIRMLY in place.  If the N's continue to attempt to INVADE your boundaries, then the NC period will be extended for an additional six months per violation.  If the N's don't like that.......EFF THEM!

Bones

[Twoapenny]

"I'm really worried too about what's going to happen next.  I can't imagine FOO accepting six months.  Even while Dad was here, he was pushing really hard to know where DD's new school is.  DH said he's going to take in a picture of NM and Dad and warn DD's teachers not to let her go off with them should they turn up.  I've been meaning to do it for months, but I'm just so embarrassed.  Still, I think it's necessary, what with the way Dad was talking.  And DH and I both remember the way NM threatened to snatch my niece from daycare."

Kay, don't be embarrassed.  When my son started at his new after school club, I made an appointment, took a deep breath and explained the situation to the lady that runs the club.  I told her about the false accusations my mum had made over the years, the child protection enquiries she'd initiated, the sexual abuse I'd endured at the hands of her husband and of my worries that she would do this again when she found out where I was living (and I knew from friends and neighbours that they were making extensive enquiries about his whereabouts).  She was really understanding and supportive and to this day they've been absolute rocks and have helped us no end (and eventually she confided in me that her family are quite similar).

It's not as uncommon as you think, there are all sorts of disputes involving children and you can bet that your kids won't be the only ones who've had parents go in asking the school to make sure x, y and z don't get too close.  Generally schools are quite hot on confidentiality and things like who can take the children out of school, but reiterating it will put your mind at rest and make the school staff extra vigilant.  You can even have a password that only you and your DH  know, that way if you need someone to pick the kids up in an emergency you can tell them the password so the school know they're okay to take them.  Do whatever you need to to make you feel safe.  Your safety and the safety of your kids is paramount, whether it's physical, mental or emotional.  You have a right to feel safe and secure - you've just been made to feel that you don't.  Hope you and your lovely babies (and DH of course!) are all doing okay xx

[KayZee]

Hops, Tup, Lighter & Bones,
Thank you so much for the “get out of jail free” (or more accurately, the “get out of self-loathing free”) card.  Can’t tell you how much I needed the reminder that feelings are normal and human. 

Ns and their schoolyard bullying ways... The way they push and push and taunt and provoke in secret and then stand back with smug satisfaction while you publicly go to pieces...  It just kills me.  Anytime I really emote and cry in front of FOO, I feel like they’ve won and I’ve lost.  But yes, you’re right.  I know, deep down, that you’re right: it was natural, normal, human and even valuable to get upset.  Because I know now that Dad is not capable of compassion.  Dad is not going to tolerate it when I give my side, talk about my feelings; he’ll just tune me out and yammer over me about NM.  He must feel very unsafe when NM is feeling diminished.

I’m really glad that DH stood up to Dad too.  I didn’t expect it at all.  We hadn’t discussed it beforehand.  But he says he was/is happy to do it.  And he’s even said he’s happy to take charge for the moment and thwart sis’ visit if I want to.  It’s really nice to have him there to help me be firm (it’s so easy to backslide on my boundaries).  And he’s said the same thing--that I shouldn’t feel guilty about involving him in the conflict/family dysfunction.  When I told him, “I hate dragging you into this sh*t.”  He said, “You’re my sh*t.  You’re my business.”  Which felt better than anything.  It’s nice to have DH (and you all) there reminding me I’m not family-less because DH and I have an incredible family together and I need to focus my attention there now.

[KayZee]

It's not as uncommon as you think, there are all sorts of disputes involving children and you can bet that your kids won't be the only ones who've had parents go in asking the school to make sure x, y and z don't get too close.  Generally schools are quite hot on confidentiality and things like who can take the children out of school, but reiterating it will put your mind at rest and make the school staff extra vigilant.

Thank you (((Tup)))!
I swear, the things I want to do/say to your NM.  Subjecting you to all those tough years and tough talks.  I wonder if it hurt her on some level--to see you being such a wonderful, warm competent mother, knowing (maybe on some subconscious level) that she was incapable of ever being that kind of mother herself.  Anyway, I am awed by your strength.  And it's a huge comfort to know you've been there, and you go through it.

I finally got up the nerve last night and wrote to DD's teacher, including pictures of NM and my Dad.  I got a response back this morning, and she was really kind and reassuring. She said, exactly what you said!  Essentially, "Don't be embarrassed at all.  We've heard this kind of thing lots of time over the years, and we've seen all kinds of family disputes.  We're really happy when people give us this kind of heads-up, so we can be extra careful."  My embarrassment is slowly fading, and I'm glad for the added piece of mind.  It was just the way Dad keeps pushing to know where DD goes to school and what days of the week, combined with the way NM used to threaten to snatch my niece from daycare...

[Twoapenny]

It's an understandable concern, Kay, and a really nasty way to push your buttons and worry you - what could worry someone more than what happens to their kids.

Thanks for your kind words re my mum and our situation.  I sort of gave up trying to figure out what pushed her buttons as I worried it would make me as crazy as she is!  I'm just glad I got help at the right time and got out.  Good counsellors are worth their weight in gold.  I feel sorry for her now.  I see a sad, lonely, little girl inside an old woman's body.  She could be enjoying a lovely retirement (she's seventy next year) but she's so consumed with anger and bitterness that she's pushed away everyone that might have cared for her and kept herself for a raggety old man who's never been faithful to her and my younger sister who, bless her, hasn't got the brains god gave a gopher (she's very like your sister in that she acts like mum's henchman).  I think it's a family dynamic that plays out time and time again.  It gets easier over time.  The sane stuff becomes normal, the insane feels like it's something to be avoided and eventually you look back and shake your head in disbelief that you ever did or put up with those things.  I don't question myself constantly like I used to - it still comes on sometimes, but on the whole I listen to how I feel now and take notice, even if I don't understand it.  Our bodies are good at saying "Hey!  This is a bad thing!  Keep away from it".

I'm glad the school are understanding and glad your DH is standing his ground as well.  He sounds fab.  Hope there's lots of loveliness going on with the babies as well