Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
My mum is ill
teartracks:
--- Quote ---And TT, I'd like to thank you for the notion: Taking on the offenses of others.
--- End quote ---
Thanks Hops and you're welcome. Every little tool helps, doesn't it?
Sincerely,
tt
Twoapenny:
Urgh, I've really messed this up. I've just had a text from my step-sister to say that my mum has written to her at her place of work. I don't know what's in the letter as I can't get hold of my sister (she's not supposed to use her phone during a work day). I've opened the can of worms again, what was I thinking? There's no reason for my mum to write to my sister, she can write to me directly (if she wants to). She's spent enough time driving past my house to know where I live.
Sorry, I will reply to the other posts as soon as I've calmed down a bit. I'm really cross that I've done this to myself again. I find it hard to be hard, if that makes sense?
I'm thinking just ignore the whole thing now? Don't reply, don't respond, ignore any further letters from other relatives etc etc. Just act like they don't exist. What do you guys think?
Twoapenny:
I'm just noticing my reactions to this. There was sheer panic, bordering on terror, at the thought that I have upset people, not done the 'right' thing and enraged my mother. I think this is the young me responding. My job as a child was to keep everyone happy and there was hell to pay if I didn't. I just couldn't handle it. The house was so much easier if there was no conflict. I think I'm going to take my son out somewhere for a few hours, a bit of self care for me now, little Penny who no-one cared about and my boy, who doesn't have to deal with this crap and I am so thankful for that!
I've started to calm down a little and from other text messages my step-sister has sent it looks as though the letter may be to my step-sister, about my step-sister. When she texted me I assumed it was about me, because I sent that card offering to meet up. That might not be the case.
I will need to talk to her later and think about that some more. If she has contacted me because my mum has written to her about her I think I will be quite annoyed. I feel like I am unable to cope with other people's problems and dilemmas now. I just can't cope any more. I've been feeling so ill for months. I think it's stress, as all the tests the doctor is doing keep coming back negative. Obviously it will be good if it isn't something physical - I don't want to be ill - but if it is stress and people keep ignoring my pleas not to contact me with their problems I don't quite know what I'm going to do about it. I will think about it some more later.
Sorry for rambling on. I wanted to get it written down because I tend to forget these intense feelings quite quickly and everything just goes numb. Thank you xx
JustKathy:
--- Quote ---a possible reconnaissance mission that positively identifies your mother's condition as imminently fatal in the very near future.....
ahh just writing that out lifted my spirits.
DUOH! Did I really write that?
--- End quote ---
Okay, I had to repost Lighter's comment because it really hit home. I'm dealing with the same issue right now. In fact, another letter came yesterday from my father, guilting me all to heck, telling me how my mother's "cancer" (something still not verified) has gone to her brain and that she is in great pain and suffering. I guess this is where the mention of a "reconnaissance mission" grabbed my attention, because I am still not convinced that she is dying, or even has cancer for that matter.
Tup, I really understand the conflicted emotions that you're feeling at this time. When I was told that my mother was dying, my reactions jumped from feeling guilty for going NC, to wishing her a slow and painful death for 50 years of abuse and neglect. As children of Ns, we have been through SO much. A lifetime of emotional suffering that will not go away when they do. It will get better, for sure, but we are damaged goods, and they did that to us. I, too, have had stress-related medical problems, all because of torment from my FOO. I think, in the end, we have to take care of ourselves.
In my case, I do feel that the letters I've received from my father and sister telling me of NM's impending death were orchestrated by NM herself. I can tell by the wording of the letters, that they were most likely dictated. I am sure of one thing. She wants to see her daughter one last time, not because she's had a death bed epiphany and wants to apologize, but to stick it to me one more time. That way she can die happy. In fact, such a scene was perfectly portrayed on the series "Rescue Me." Maybe I can find the clip. They absolutely nailed it.
I realize this is a confusing mess for you, with multiple relatives involved. I would just say to do what is best for you and your son. Sometimes it IS hard to separate the young you from the adult you, and we start to feel that daughterly duty. In my case, I got fooled four years ago when I was first told that NM was on her death bed, which may have been the turning point for me, as I now simply don't care what becomes of her. I really believe that an N's death is their moment to shine. I'm sure that they actually hope for a long and drawn out illness that can be used for drama, attention, and to stick it to us one final time. Follow your instincts. If anything doesn't feel right, detaching yourself may be the best thing.
I wish you all the best with this. This is never an easy situation. Never.
Kathy
Twoapenny:
Kathy, I'm so sorry you are still getting letters from your family as well, the whole situation just makes me want to bang my head against a wall.
I am completely with you on not knowing whether it is 'real' or not. Years ago she wrote to me and basically intimated that she had cancer and it was very serious. She didn't and it wasn't but it had me jumping to attention. To be honest, given the fact that she's drunk herself into a coma on a regular basis for the last thirty years I'd be more suprised if she didn't have health problems, but I wouldn't put it past her to be laying it on with a trowel.
I feel like you, that I just want her dead, if only because it means there won't be any new things to deal with. It's made me realise how much I hate her, although I'd convinced myself I was fine with the situation and I didn't have any bad feelings towards her anymore.
The letter she's written to my step-sister is mad, rambling, full of lies and done in her usual way of avoiding any real issue and waffling on about herself endlessly. She is truly detached from reality. I thought I'd got to a point where I could deal with the madness, if necessary, but it seems that isn't the case. I'm extricating myself from the whole thing now. It's difficult because the stuff she writes is so wide of the mark that it makes you want to write back and tell it straight, but that's just what she wants. I think you are right, they want to see you once more just to be nasty one last time. I won't give her the satisfaction.
I cannot bear to think that I might get like her when I am older. I am so scared of turning into her and that kind of madness becoming my normal. I hate to think of my son wanting me dead because it would make his life easier.
On a lighter note, we went out and had a nice couple of hours and he's got trampolining tonight so at least I won't be sitting at home twiddling my thumbs. And the evenings are getting lighter now which always helps lift everybody's mood. I've had a bit of a chat with my step-sister this afternoon and it's cleared the air a bit. I think sometimes two very damaged people in a relationship can be a difficult thing to manage, even if you both want to.
Thank you.
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