Hi Kathleen,
Glad you're back!
I am in my 60s and my D is estranged.
I don't think it's been "wrong" of her to take my money but refuse to speak to me.
I know she's been absolutely desperate, and genuinely needed the help.
But if it's worth hearing the other side of the coin, though all situations vary...it really does hurt that she does not say "thank you." Ever. Years back, she did...but over time, it became more like--gimme the money and f**k you. More or less.
I try not to think about it and when I do feel a flash of resentment, I know that underneath that feeling is the real one. It hurts. Not because it IS MONEY, but because in giving her money I was trying to say, "I love you." "I wish I knew what else to do." "I am so sorry I have failed you." "I would give anything to roll back time and undo my mistakes." "I want you to be all right." "I feel helpless and heartbroken."
All of those things, I have said in different ways. But when it just boiled down to her need, what she wanted most was money. And I gave until I couldn't give any more. And when I stopped, she dropped me.
It doesn't mean "right" or "wrong" but fwiw, from the failed-parent side...it hurts. Because it feels as though all the love, including all the mistakes, you ever tried to give...has been devalued by your child. "If you don't give money, you have no value to me. And even when you do give me money, I won't even acknowledge that human exchange with even a scrap of gratitude. I spit on you -- with my hand out."
That's how much a child can hate a parent.
I think what they don't realize, or may not realize until many years later, is how much they can hurt them.
(None of this moaning probably likely has any resemblance to what you've experienced or what your own reasoning might be.)
But I've found in the last couple years that while I spent decades roaring in my pain at being the child of a very-N mother...lately, it's been a whole new pain I never expected. Being rejected by my own child.
I just didn't see it coming. Money was one way it played out. Maybe, one way to see it other than "control" (unless in your case, "control" is the absolutely only way to interpret the situation, and that could be true) ... but if there's a crack of light for any other view, is that giving money is also a language. For a parent who has failed, it can be a kind of desperate, sad way to try to still be allowed to love.
It doesn't work, either. But I think sometimes that could be what even a "bad parent" is trying to say.
Hops