Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Making New Friends
Twoapenny:
Hiya Hopsie, and thank you :)
I do see what you're saying. It's not so much that I see my boy as my best friend, just that he's simply needed 100 + hours a week of care throughout his life, most of which I've had to do on my own. I think what I don't understand is why none of my friends want to spend time with him as he is genuinely lovely - some disabled children have such complex needs that I can understand people feeling that they aren't up to the job as it were but he really isn't like that which is why I feel so bad that no-one seems to bother with him. You are absolutely right that as he's getting older and becoming more independent that I am able to lift my head above the parapet and see what's going on in my world and I'm not too keen on what I'm seeing at the moment! I'm so sorry for the situation with your D and am still hoping that she will see the light one day and you will be able to work something out (((((((((((((((((((((((((((Hopsie)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
With regard to having different friends for different things, I think the problem from my perspective is that for many of the people I know I am simply the one they ring when they need help and support and they turn to others when they want to have a good time! There is a real lack of good times in my life, for me alone, as a grown up, a woman, a person other than 'Mum'. I think I need that balance within the same people - people I can have fun with, talk to, lean on from time to time and provide support for every now and again - none of it perfectly and I'm sure there would be times when a bit of grumbling and moaning would occur, but at the minute I feel a bit more like service provider rather than a friend? I don't know if that makes sense, it's a bit early here :?
I am so glad that you have found that nice group of people to feel safe and secure within - safe to be yourself, I suppose? I do hear you about not overwhelming one friend, I have one friend who ticks all of those boxes but I don't like to just rely on here for everything, it feels unfair on both of us. There are lots of lovely people in the world, I think I just need to hunt them out now :) Thank you again, lots of love xxx
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on March 17, 2013, 03:37:47 PM ---Thank you Bonesie, your hugs make me smile :)
I'm rambling a bit as things are just occuring to me now and then. I've already mentioned that no-one spends time with my son. I home educate him because of his disability (it's much easier for him in a quiet, one to one environment) and I love it. He's doing brilliantly and really enjoys himself, I've learnt loads since I started doing it and I just love being with him. He's good company, very funny and still has that child's view of looking at things. I think I've relived my own (crappy) childhood through him and it's really helped. We're close and he's the only bit of my life that works - my personal relationships are not great with other people but with him I think I've got the balance right and he's turning into a really polite, well balanced young man - I just need to be able to say the same about myself (although if I start turning into a man that will be a whole other thread but you know what I mean).
Anyway - whenever I complain about being ill or tired the response I get from most people is that I should put him in school. They just don't seem to understand that apart from school not being the best option for me, I love teaching him at home and I'd hate to stop doing it. If he wanted to then of course I would but he loves it and I do ask him frequently if he wants to go to school and so far the answer has always been no. So I never really understand why people think me stopping doing the one thing in my life that I love would make my life better.
But having just got off the phone with a friend, who has again suggested I put him in school (in the past she's suggested I send him to a residential school) the penny dropped - none of my friends actually like spending time with their kids. I don't know why I haven't twigged this before, but it suddenly seemed really obvious. Which perhaps does make more sense that I am liking spending time with these mums at activity groups; they at least are interested enough in their kids to take them to clubs and stay and help out. So yes, I think I am starting to see where I've been going wrong, these are just people who are very different to me so can't understand why I like spending time with him. Sorry for rambling on, it just helps to get it down while I'm thinking of it, thank you for reading xx
--- End quote ---
You're welcome, ((((((((((((((((((((Tupp))))))))))))))))))))))))
When I read about how these other mothers don't like to spend any time with their children, it made me wonder: WHY did they become mothers in the first place? Did they become mothers simply to LOOK GOOD to others while expecting the children to meet THEIR needs instead of the other way around?
I might be over-analyzing them.
Bones
Hopalong:
There is a real lack of good times in my life, for me alone, as a grown up, a woman, a person other than 'Mum'
I believe you. That makes me sad. You have been SO loving and giving, and such a heroic mother, that I'll bet many in your world think of you as just that -- "loving, giving, Mum" -- and so they call YOU when they need the same. It's probably not intentional, people just seek to meet their needs and there you go. But I can imagine how frustrating it is, to give until you're feeling used, and then wonder why none of them are imaginative enough to suss out that you are beginning to need something more.
Hmm. Now that I think about it a little more, I wonder if all this frustration isn't actually a good sign, in your life? You used to be so utterly other-focused ALL the time, and now you're getting a little....drumroll...selfish! In the GOOD way.
You have a full, three-dimensional self who's been clamped down on by the extraordinary caregiving and parenting load you've been staggering under. Willingly and lovingly, but -- with almost no room for a full self-expressing life.
Now that your son's boyhood has lost its endlessness, as it always is the way...change is coming.
I think feeling it in frustration with the less-than-full-dimensional friendships now, makes perfect sense.
--- Quote ---I need that balance within the same people - people I can have fun with, talk to, lean on from time to time and provide support for every now and again
--- End quote ---
I'm sorry you haven't got the 3-D friendship function going right now. They're creatures of habit, and you probably helped (not intentionally) set things up this way (teaching them to treat you as a service provider). I so hope either a couple of your current friends will be adaptable to a fuller, more reciprocal role...or if there's no sign of it, that you won't be too hurt for too long, but get out (hard as it is to "get out" with your boy needing you there all day and night) and do what you can, to expose yourself to the possibility of new friends.
PS--in my own community, we don't just do "good works" or intense heart-to-hearts. We get ridiculous and have "game night" and that sort of thing. I don't do all of it, I have a small regular circle and they tend to be the sort who welcome seriousness. But sometimes we do get absurd.
Gotta run, love to you lovely one,
Hops
Twoapenny:
Hi Hopsie, thank you again, you are so insightful :)
I have been trying to look at my own behaviour in light of all this. I find it very difficult to look at myself in this way. After the years of "you're terrible, everything you do is terrible" and then the counsellng years of "I'm a wonderful human being with rights and needs" I find it hard to accept/admit that there are aspects of my personality that I find quite unpleasant (deep breath here!).
I've been reading the bits about boundaries that you mentioned. I'm ashamed to say I think there is something of the martyr about me, something that likes/craves the whole 'look at me, look at how much I sacrifice and do on my own'. I think I need to spend some time at that and weed out what's necessary and what I need to get rid of now.
I do find it very difficult to ask for help, particularly if the answer is no as that triggers so many things in me. So that's something else I need to look at and work on a little.
I also recognise signs of passive aggression in myself - not being vocal about what I need and then resenting that. There are also people that I grumble about not seeing but if I'm honest I don't really want to see them, again I think there is something of the victim 'look they've abandoned me again' thing about me that I need to address.
IT IS OKAY FOR ME NOT TO LIKE PEOPLE AND OK FOR THEM NOT TO LIKE ME. Eek! That sits a little heavily on my chest. Something else to work on, I suppose. I feel sometimes like I have to have a reason not to hang out with someone, rather than just being able to say to myself "I just don't feel like it at the moment".
Lots revolving in my head. On a positive note, it's looking like a night out with a couple of the other mums is on the cards - nothing big, just a bit of chit chat and hopefully a laugh. I need to focus on getting some fun back in my life, I think. Things have been too gloomy for too long.
Thank you, everyone, for all your thoughts and input into this, I really appreciate you taking the time to do that and for listening to me waffle on. Thank you all so much.
Love Tup xx
Hopalong:
Oh good for you.
There is no way your life won't change for the better ...
It is so so so rare for people to own those sticky things, like martyrdom, or P-A stuff...and see those uckier sides of themselves clearly.
But the people who do acknowledge, accept, and forgive their darker sides, are the only ones who can change or manage them...and move ahead.
Now I'm excited for you.
love
Hops
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